Why my judge said I can't complete my doctoral program, why she iswrong, and why I do not have to listen to her

It sounds a little uppity, my saying that I know more than my judge or that I do not have to listen to her. Truth is, we cannot change our sentence, especially if we accepted a plea. Part of a federal plea is to know that we cannot be absolutely promised a specific sentence and that we cannot appeal the sentence we receive. Our only appeal rights are for insufficient counsel (very hard to prove unless your counsel happened to miss your court date or slept through your hearing) or if the judge went beyond their scope. In the case of my sentencing hearing, neither specifically occurred, although it appeared the latter had.

I mentioned prior that we had not prepared for the sentence I received. Even more so, we all believed - my lawyer, probation and even prosecutor, that my being back in school doing well and working on my doctorate degree in education was a mitigating factor in my favor. All the sentencing briefs stated as much.

The judge, however, prior to even giving the sentence in my case made it clear her opinion on the matter stating something close to, "I believe you need to consider a new path. The education path you are on is not going to lead to a job and it is INCONCEIVABLE that you will get hired as a faculty member in education with a felony at any public or private non-profit institution..." She then put a restriction on my post imprisonment supervision on my having credit or loans (including school loans). I explained that I will be eligible for a loan forgiveness program sponsored by the us government after ten years of working as a faculty member, but again she emphasized that I am kidding myself to think I could gain employment in that sector.

It was one thing to be going to prison and have to stop out of school and work, but her insisting that I must drop out of school was devastating to me. I've been back in school for two years. I have worked very hard, I have earned fellowships, scholarships, and research grants. My goal is to make a difference in how students are able to engage in the classroom. I've been fortunate to travel to Vietnam and South Africa to learn and work with colleagues. Walking away from this new career (that I love) absolutely makes no sense. My addiction and crime caused me to give up my former careers, friends, etc. I could not believe the judge was forcing me to do it again.

That night, after the sentencing, I cried harder than I had in a very long time. Later, with a clearer head, I realized the judge overstepped her role and I needed to read the judgement. If she forbade my education in the judgement, I could appeal. If she did not, then it was up to two people at my institution if I could stay and to answer whether I would ever get a job - the ombudsman and my advisor. I received a copy of my judgement earlier this week, financial restrictions will make it hard for me to stay in school, but the judges comments were not officially part of the sentence. She saved herself from an appeal. On to handling this within my school.

The Ombudsman serves as a confidential, neutral, informal and independent resource for student concerns and conflicts. I actually spoke to the office of the ombudsman at my university immediately after knowing the case against me was moving forward many months ago. I didn't want to hide. I knew the office was confidential and I needed to know my rights and responsibilities. Being a doctoral student gave me more rights than I realized. I had no responsibility to tell anyone anything, as long as I did not lie on my application, which I did not (these charges came nearly 2 years after I applied). In fact, I never had to tell anyone, even if I were to be convicted and going to prison, like I am. I at least agreed with the idea that until I knew what was happening, I had no responsibility to tell anyone.

That all changed last Friday, though, when I realized I would be gone for a full school year and that the judge believed I would need to leave school. I decided the person I needed to tell was my advisor, Dr. P. When you are in a doctoral program, you are assigned to a faculty advisor who kind of mentors you, assists you through your program, helps select your courses, ensures you stay on track, and if you stay with them, heads your dissertation committee. I've been wanting to tell Dr. P. and dreading telling Dr. P. for a long time. Dr. P. is a very well known and well respected scholar. Yes, I feared her judgement, her rejection. I feared she would say something similar to what the judge said, only I started fearing that long before the judge ever said it. But after the sentencing I knew my education fate was essentially in Dr. P.'s hands. If she wanted me out, I'd be out, if she were willing to fight for me, I may be allowed to stay. Our minds play wicked games on us. We always fear the worst things happening. Scenarios, even when bad things do happen, rarely turn our as bad as our minds think they will go.

Anyway, I had to wait until today to meet with Dr. P. I asked her last Sunday for a nontraditional meeting, outside her office and not confined to a short time. Neither of these things have I ever asked for and she accommodated both, but she knew I was not coming with good news. We met in a private conference room where no one would bump into us after, so if I were in tears, I could just leave without explaining myself.

I prepared many thoughts/questions in advance. I did not know what she would say, so I was prepared for most scenarios. Typical, I wasn't prepared for what really happened. Not only did she understand and support me and tell me that I'm "stuck" with her. She told me that she understands addiction from people in her life, that she is sorry this is happening to me, and that without a doubt I will not be kicked out of my university or my program. Even more, without my even asking, she wants me to do an independent study while incarcerated and do some reading toward my dissertation and also journaling around my observations of higher education for women prisoners.

When I told her about what the judge said, she said that she would like to, "smack the judge on the head" (in a nice kind of way of course) and that the judge absolutely does not understand our careers, how we get hired, or my employability. Dr. P. emphasized that the judge was absolutely wrong. In my line of work, if a background check is done at all, it's after hire, and as long as I am honest, it will not keep me from being hired. She also said that with my story, my background, skills, and areas of specialty, I will be very hire-able within the sector and she is not worried. She is willing to tell that to probation if she has to. Dr. P. feels that no one else needs to know the exact reason I'll be gone and I'm comfortable with that. We will tell folks that I am taking a leave of absence for personal reasons. It is not a lie. Once again, it is the difference between discretion and deception and discretion makes sense.

So, that's why the judge said I had to quit school, why she's wrong, and why I do not have to listen to her!

My Coaches

In May, 2008, on the brink of suicide, having lost my family, employment, friends, and secrets... My secret gambling life being exposed, I threw out nearly everything I had valued over my 35 years of life - articles I was quoted in, pictures of my childhood, keepsakes from events I coordinated or attended, news stories from historical events, note books or papers that meant something, favorite books, nick naks, furnishings, transcripts, plays I wrote, artwork, and so much more. Crates, boxes, and shelves of stuff that moved with me from house to apartment to anywhere I called home. It grew over the years. Some of it was replaceable (like transcripts), some not (like my plays). I did not care at the time. It had no value to me because I had no value to me. I threw it all away.

Today, as I have to plan for a move where I cannot bring anything in with me, and I must sell things to help support me, I do not want to make the same mistake. I cannot afford to keep all my furniture and things stored. I also do not have the means to automatically afford the monthly balance I will need in my commissary account ($100+). I will do a later post on commissary needs. So, selling things must be part of my plan. Therefore, I need to balance value to me with value for my livelihood. 

This is where my coaches come in. I have a couple individuals in my life - Survivor and Traveler who are assisting me with decisions, especially the difficult decisions, I must make over the next several months. Traveler helps me with all things household. She is helping me decide what to sell and already telling me what not to sell (like my couch and one bedroom set) and will help with that process. Survivor helps with all things financial and she will send my commissary money orders once a month into prison camp. I will make no large financial decisions like what to do about my bills, etc without talking with Survivor first.

Going to prison is overwhelming. If you are given the opportunity to get your affairs in order and self surrender, don't try to do everything on your own. If you have a spouse and/or family that are supportive and willing to help, ask them! If they are not, ask a friend!!! Get a coach, someone you trust!!!! If your spouse is too angry to assist you, ask someone else.

Discretion vs. Deception

Who do I tell? How do I tell? For what reasons do I tell? For a long time those questions followed me about being a recovering addict. A wise person in my recovery rooms said that there is a difference between discretion and deception.

I now face those same questions about my felony and why I will be leaving school and where I live (or rather my life as I currently know it) for almost a year. I will not be deceitful. I will not tell everyone it is a family thing or a medical thing - although some may think that. I currently have both family members ill and with chronic health issues. I will not lie. Lies get me in trouble. Lies cause me to have to lie more. Lies cause me to make up stories that I can't keep straight or I have to elaborate or I have to hope my friends can corroborate, lies are my life before recovery. Lies keep an addiction fueled. 

Discretion on the other hand is okay. There are wonderful people in my life. Friends and family, and friends who are like family, who know my whole story, and I trust them completely. There are others that I am not as close with. I do not have to tell the world. That is discretion. But I cannot lie. 

"I am taking a leave of absence for personal reasons. I would prefer not to talk about the reasons." That is all that is necessary. 

Will people gossip? Will people figure it out? Perhaps someone already told them... Well, I've had to realize the truth, "other people's opinions of me are none of my business." Maybe later, when I'm back in a year, I will want to tell more people, maybe I won't. That's my choice. It is my discretion. You have a right to privacy. Not a right to deception.

The Notebook

It is red. Spiral bound. 120 pages. Lined, just like all my notebooks for school or for notes or for organizing. This notebook, I started yesterday.

In the top right corner, starting a couple pages in, I wrote the date and on each page after the next date between now and the end of August. There are pages blank at the end, I hope to add dates there as well. I hope to make it to the date I wrote on the top of the last page I wrote, Saturday, August 31st.

On the lines of each dated page are lists. Things to do. Things I must do to prepare to go to prison. There are so many big things, like move out of my apartment, give leave at my job, figure out my finances, etc., that they all break down into smaller tasks: figure out what furniture to sell, post items on Craig's list, rent storage locker, call capital one credit card, make appointment with supervisor, etc. 

This is what the red notebook is for. I cannot, in fact no one, can solve all their problems at once, and if we try to look at everything we must do, it is overwhelming and can become debilitating. So, plan it out. Small tasks. A couple a day. Progress each day. Goals that move me forward. 

Today included an email to a fellow GA member I met by chance over 2000 miles away from where I live who may actually be able to assist me in getting me out of my car lease. I also (with the help of a wonderful friend) packaged old school books to be shipped off - so I can make funds toward the expenses I am incurring as I prepare for prison and for my needs during incarceration. I dropped all the fall and spring courses I was scheduled to take and instead signed up for dissertation credits (something I can do as a doctoral student), so I do not lose my status as a student. I also reduced my funding for the time I am gone to only cover the tuition of the credits I am taking and no living expenses. All these will be marked out of my red notebook on 6/25. The things that I thought I would do today, but could not, I simply carry over to another day. There is no guilt for not getting everything done. We must take all that must be done just one day at a time.

One suggestion. Please put on a couple pages of your notebook (which can be any color by the way - mine was red and free) to take some time for yourself. Take a walk, take a nap, take yourself out to the movies, etc. Don't forget that YOU matter and that YOU deserve some mental preparation for prison as well.

"Dragonfly"

While I do not suggest I am these things, I do suggest these are things we strive for in our recovery program one day at a time.

"Symbolisms of the Dragonfly:

• Maturity and a Depth of character
  The dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self realization; and the kind of change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life. 
• Defeat of Self Created Illusions
  The end of one’s self created illusions and a clear vision into the realities of life. The magical property of iridescence is also associated with the discovery of one’s own abilities by unmasking the real self and removing the doubts one casts on his/her own sense of identity. This again indirectly means self discovery and removal of inhibitions.
• Focus on living ‘IN’ the moment.   Symbolizes and exemplifies the virtue of living IN the moment and living life to the fullest. By living in the moment you are aware of who you are, where you are, what you are doing, what you want, what you don’t and make informed choices on a moment-to-moment basis. This ability lets you live your life without regrets like the great dragonfly.
• The opening of one’s eyes
  It symbolizes the uninhibited vision of the mind and the ability to see beyond the limitations of the human self. It also in a manner of speaking symbolizes a man/woman’s rising from materialism to be able to see beyond the mundane into the vastness that is really our Universe, and our own minds."

http://www.dragonfly-site.com/meaning-symbolize.html

A call with my public defender

As my time of freedom narrows, I am planning goals for each day to prepare. Some are rather small, some much larger. I just need to get it all done, best I can, and try not to procrastinate. At the same time, I need to keep studying, keep doing my job, and my other responsibilities. Even though I got a prison sentence, it does not give me the excuse to stop being responsible or moving forward.

My most important business today was a phone call with my public defender. So, you may ask... She was a public defender, did I get a good defense? Well, I think I got better than my money's worth. She was good... Not great. She didn't really try to understand me / gambling addiction or to defend me, but she did advocate for my needs at times, she respected my GA program, and she always returned my emails and calls. Since I paid nothing for her, I can not complain.

Today's call, however, was important, and it is an important lesson to anyone going through legal issues: ALWAYS READ YOUR LEGAL PAPERS! I hadn't received the sentencing documents from my hearing on Friday and so I asked for them yesterday. I read through them thoroughly. The judge failed to cross off a recommendation by the prosecution that after prison camp, I have 6 months radio frequency monitoring. The judge made it clear on friday that she didn't think that was necessary. But there it was, still in my document. At first my attorney told me that it doesn't matter because it isn't "checked," but neither were any of the other requirements that the judge is ordering (like 3 years supervision). I don't think my attorney was very happy because this is a real error that must be fixed meaning more hours. More work for her.

 My overall advice on public defenders - be nice to them. Say "thank you." Tell the truth. Write out your story, all of it, and give it to them. Let them "know" you. Think through a plea agreement. Always ask questions. Write your questions down and build them up so you can ask them all at once. It's okay to show emotion with your attorney. Listen to their advice, but it is only advice. It is okay to think something over. Get a copy of everything and keep a copy of everything (electronic okay). Get to know the attorney's assistant/paralegal, there are many things they can get you quicker. Give them as much advance warning of travel plans, medical needs, etc. bring someone with you when you talk to your atty to help you remember what was said. Fill out and mail forms on time. Dress appropriately, but you do not have to wear a suit.

My name is Dragonfly Hazel

This first post will be short, but I did not want this blog to be started without something on it. I am 40 years old, Caucasian, well educated (in fact I am currently obtaining my doctoral degree and I also have a juris doctorate degree), but none of my demographic information is important - I struggled with the demise of a debilitating, baffling, progressive addiction - compulsive gambling - for 14 years. Addiction will make the strongest people weak, the smartest people dumb, the most capable people incapacitated, the givers into takers, the rule makers into rule breakers, and the ethical into criminals. Such is the truth with me and so many I've met over the years. I am not unique. I am not special. I am a person who has had to overcome the realities of an insidious emotional illness. I am now five years clean from compulsive gambling - a disease that nearly took my life five years ago.

In about 60-90 days, I will be going to a federal women's prison camp as my punishment for stealing funds from my employer during my days of gambling. I believe there's a reason so much time passed between my crime and punishment and I believe my story may be able to help someone else struggling either with addiction and/or with the legal system. I looked all over online and found very little real information about preparing to go inside for women (much more information is available for men). So this blog will tell a story. A story that moves through the past and a story that tells of the preparation of what is happening as I prepare to go to prison. My sentencing was just a couple days ago. I had NO idea I would be sentenced to such a long time. My lawyer, friends, family, and I had not prepared for it. So, we all must prepare for it now. Come along with us. Learn. Chat. Share your story. This is our blog.

One year and one day.
Dragonfly Hazel