100 Things

Sometimes, I can't help but get caught up in the negative. I think writing yesterday's blog actually led me to thinking about the haters too much. I did the thing I should never do, I googled myself. It's like I was asking to be punished.

Once my head was filled with all the anti-me crap out there, sleep was impossible. I went to Sporty's room at like 3am, woke her up, and said I couldn't sleep - just like a toddler does to their parents. She works my same program, so what she said to me was the advice I would give someone else... Make a list of 100 things I'm grateful for. She meant to write one in the morning, but instead I just started going through my head and naming things - ga, people, house, being home, clothes, walking, cooking, education, places I've traveled to, etc. the list got long, although no one counted it, and I was able to sleep - my head now filled with positive things instead of negative. 

The Internet is a wonderful thing - we can find the answer to nearly any question at lightening speed. When a child asks, "why is the sky blue?" We can give them the scientific reason. I don't know can nearly escape our vocabulary. Instead it's, "well, let's google it..."

It can also be an enemy. The Internet has a much longer memory than people. Yesterday's news can resurface. It doesn't know to let go of the past or not worry about an unknown future. It finds answers based on popularity, not timing. Words, not thinking.

If ever you make the mistake I did, and google yourself, try making your 100 list. Then, remember, words are words and may live forever, but people are able to forget, forgive, and move on.

I'm Not Ashamed

After my three hour drive for a ten minute meeting at the RRC today, I met a professor/friend for lunch. It was a wonderful lunch meeting and very nice catching up. She knows my story and supports me. I told her the story of my admission being revoked. She knew a bit of it, but I told her it all. She's willing to be a reference for me as I work to get back in. I'm grateful.

The conversation did lead me to feel as if I'm defending myself. Could I still get a job as a professor? How will it be if I'm working along with people from my old program? Hard questions for me to answer, but I just smiled and said things like:

"I'm not afraid of haters, they are everywhere, I can work with anyone. Their  judgement is on themselves, not me..."

"I will get back into (my school) and I will walk across that graduation stage one day. To all the nay-sayers out there, I'm doing this for myself, for everyone who has made mistakes in their lives, and because what matters is who I am and what I do today, in recovery, not who I was and what I did in addiction..."

"I'm not concerned about where I will work, that's years away... Will I get a job? Yes. But for now, my concern is about taking it a day at a time and for right now, all I need to concern myself with is getting back in school..."

"I will not be ashamed of who I am, the experiences I've had, or the fact that I went to prison. The experiences made me more passionate to help others, more passionate to continue my education, and more passionate about the value of overcoming hardships. This is not my end, it's yet another beginning..."

People want to hear the horror stories of prison, and there are tons. I hadn't shared with you all, yet, the reality of learning that several staff members at Carswell were reading this blog and let me know. It kept me from sharing certain things, I always had to consider protecting myself. I'm home now, though, so I can share more openly and I will... However, even though I just experienced hell, it doesn't mean I want to dwell on the negative. I'm stronger now and that experience helps me know that I can overcome anything. I'm not happy about the experience, but I can focus on what I learned and the good people, rather than the horribleness and the bad people.

Being home has helped me immensely in getting past some of my walls of protection I built, but I have a feeling that some healthy walls may remain. These walls will allow negativity to bounce away from me, haters to have no impact on me, and shame to be nonexistent. We can only feel ashamed if we allow ourselves to do so. 

I have nothing to be ashamed about. I had an addiction. I committed a crime to feed my addiction and irrationally believed I wasn't doing anything wrong. I apologized openly in court to a packed courtroom. I put myself into recovery and surrendered fully to the program. I have not gambled in over six years. I've learned why I developed an addiction and have taken as many steps as possible to avoid a cross-addiction. I help others dealing with the same. I got myself into a top education PhD program. I worked hard over two years - earning fellowships and scholarships and passing my initial comprehensive exams. I went to prison with my head held up and I survived the experience. So, no, I am not ashamed. To be honest, I'm humbly proud of myself. I owe my success to so many people, and hope to pay forward as much as I am able. I will be an example of someone who can make something of themselves after prison, and by doing so, I know I will help others not give up on their goals/dreams either.

Anyway, lunch went well, although I hate that my time is limited. We would've kept talking. I have a feeling I'll be working with this professor friend of mine sometime again in the near future, and I know she carries no judgement of me. That's the way I hope I am when a future student comes to me with their hope for a second chance. There's no shame in asking for help and reaching out, the only shame is not reaching out and keeping it all inside.

Almost Normal

For two days, life was nearly normal (whatever normal means). I think this was one of the best times I've had with my parents visiting me. Perhaps nothing was different on their end, but everything rolls over me now. Maybe they were nicer than usual. I don't know. We had about 24 hours together and it was really nice.

When I was told that I'd get home confinement, I really didn't know what that would look like. I though it went through probation, but it goes through the RRC (residential reentry center) that I stayed at. Some people are tethered (electronically monitored), I am not. Some people have to pay fees for being on home confinement, I do not. Some people only have curfews and can use their days however they want, that's not me either. However, with advance notice, I can do many things, as long as it can be verified. I'm not allowed at a park or to take a walk outside, because no one can verify that. I can do a lot of things, though.

Yesterday, I went shopping with my parents and out for a good steak dinner. I had my verification sheets all prepared in advance and knew what times I needed to be home by, in order not to violate. We went to the store for shopping, I walked up to the manager, and I asked if she would sign the verification with my time of arrival. She refused. She called her supervisor and said, "I'm not putting my name down in this..." Well, I was in a quandary, I was already there and now I couldn't get my necessary verification. So, I called the RRC on what to do, my parents were pissed at the manager and restless, so I ignored them, and the person at my RRC said to just save the receipt. Problem solved. 

My parents helped me buy some workout equipment (mat, hand weights, resistance band, etc.) and some food. I'm so grateful! The money that would've bought me a plane ticket home from Carswell, is now helping me stay active and eat healthy. Thank you parents!!!

I got home literally at my end time on the dot... Careful to always leave enough time to get home... Just before I left home and when I got home, I called my RRC. They note every call, time, and location.

Today, my step-father made his famous pancakes for breakfast and then we went to see the film "Chef." I must admit, it was a great first film to see in ten months. It's about having passion for what you do, I know a little about that. Who wants to wake up every morning and hate going to their job??  To verify the movie, I just had to keep the ticket voucher.

Last, I had lunch with my folks. The people there had no problem filling out my verification form, neither did the people at the steak house last night. But now I know to be prepared for people to possibly refuse to sign. Thing is, while my parents got visibly upset that the manager at the store wouldn't sign, I didn't. I just needed to ensure I could take care of the problem by calling in. The manager was rude, but not half as rude as many of the CO's I had to deal with at Carswell. I'm so used to things not going as they are supposed to, that it doesn't even phase me. However, I won't choose to shop in that store again in the near future.

Tonight, Traveler stopped by and we did some more catching up. She is absolutely one of the best people walking this earth. What always amazes more is that she doesn't even realize it. I can learn a lot about being humble by spending time with her.

Being out so much over the last few days really felt good. I look forward to many more days of near freedom. My life may not be normal, but sometimes normal is overrated. I'm just glad to be here and I can handle any limitations. They certainly won't last forever. My normal after all this may be entirely different than my normal before my self-surrender. So, maybe I'll just stay "almost normal."

The 6am Call

For the last week, it never fails. Someone from the "bubble" calls me to make sure I'm home. I guess that makes sense, since my technical curfew is 9pm-6am, but since I had no permission to be out yesterday or this morning, they could've let me sleep in until at least 7.

Okay, I know that I woke in the 6am hour, if not earlier, in prison. I'm home now, though, in a nice comfy bed, with my window open and fresh air pouring in, and no where to go. I'd like to sleep in. But no, that phone rings next to my bed and I must answer it.

It's actually difficult to be married to my house phone. I carry it around, put it down, and then find myself upstairs when it's downstairs, or downstairs when it's upstairs. I can't do stairs fast, so I have sent T.S. on the phone chase more than once while it was ringing.

I'd forgotten how many spam calls one gets on a house phone as well. It took me only days home to add the number to the national do not call list. Calls still make it through now and then. No, I am not interested in your product. No, I cannot answer questions about cleaning products. No, I am not interested in a magazine subscription. No, we are not selling this home (it is a rental in a rental community). 

Every time the phone rings, I believe it's the RRC checking up on me. They keep a log of their calls here and my calls there, ensuring I am where I am supposed to be at any given time. This is why you must have a home phone without call forwarding in order to be on home confinement.

Luckily, there are digital options to have a home phone. Comcast gives us ours. Many newer homes don't even offer a plug for analog phones anymore. This place does, as it is a 70's townhouse. My old apartment did not. So, if the power goes out, I pray the RRC doesn't try calling here, as I will only have my cell phone and cell phones are not allowed for check-ins. Good thing I only have 3 more weeks - six more drives to the RRC - and then we can cancel the home phone if we want to.

I should try to be productive after the 6am phone call. With white noise the only sound I hear, though, it's just too comforting to stay in bed. Today, though, my parents are coming, so I best at least get up and try to clean a bit before their arrival. So I guess I should thank the RRC for being a very precise alarm clock every morning.

Health Insurance

As promised under the new healthcare law, my journey to having health insurance upon coming out of prison was quick and smooth. All I had to do was go to my states' public assistance website, answer some questions about myself and my current lack of income, and I was immediately approved. Yesterday, I received my health coverage card.

I could select a plan that will have a monthly cost, but instead I qualify for Medicaid - simply due to my finances. The state I live in is an "expanded Medicaid state." More than half the states are as well.

My next step is to select which healthcare plan (there are four available) I want. They vary by doctors, medications, etc. I've talked to one already, and they will cover my enbryl with a doctor's notes and it must be pre-authorized. The same was true on my old non-Medicaid plan - so this is good news. I'm calling all four health plans to see which is best for me.

It's so relieving knowing that I have healthcare coverage. As someone with a chronic health issue, having coverage is not an option, it's a necessity. Actually, I believe it's true for everyone, but chronic health issues cause great financial stress with specialist bills, frequent labs, and hospitalizations.

So, do not hesitate to seek your healthcare coverage immediately upon release. There's no reason not to take care of yourself. No insurance plan is perfect, but having no insurance is a recipe for disaster and desperation. I'll select my Medicaid plan today and will have the peace of mind knowing that I can seek medical assistance when I am in need.

Six Years

Today marks my six year GA anniversary. It was also my first GA meeting since before I went to prison. It was a great meeting and I was happy to hear a lot of recovery in the room. Giving my therapy, I knew I was where I was supposed to be.

A lot of people get some clean time in and then they choose to stop going to meetings. Their lives get busy, they have money again, they believe they can stay clean on their own. Too often, we see them walk back into a meeting weeks, months, or years later. They are once again devastated by their addiction and need help. I've never seen anyone walk into a GA meeting and say, "you all were wrong, I went back out and it was great!" The first gamble to a compulsive gambler is like the first drink to an alcoholic. There is no good that comes out of it.

Also, it's those with a decent amount of recovery time that are so important to newbies who need to hear our stories of recovery, have us to sponsor them, and guide them through the steps. Those who were already in the program helped us and we now pay it forward to those that are new. I gave my contact info to two people who requested it. That's what we do.

There's also no magic time when you should start recovery. Some are successful early after discovering they have a problem, others have to face dire consequences to their addiction. As a rabbi once said in her sermon, "you never reach rock bottom, you just stop digging." The only real rock bottom is death and I pray most will find recovery before that extreme consequence.

Sporty and I have decided to start a new GA meeting in the area. It will start in 1 1/2 weeks. We've successfully helped start two others that are strong today (where we used to live), so we hope this new meeting here, on a night that had no local meeting) will be successful.

I never thought I'd connect with a 12 step program. I also never really understood what it was. At first, it can be very intimidating, but if you keep going back, it becomes comfortable and safe. If you struggle with an addiction, give yourself the gift of recovery. Will power alone doesn't work in the long term.

I gambled for 14 1/2 years, so 6 years of recovery is still nothing compared to my loss of such a long amount of time gambling. I plan to keep going to meetings for the rest of my life, sponsor others, rework the steps, and know that if ever I am in need of a friend, all I need to do is call someone else in recovery or go to a meeting. Yes, it's that simple.

First Real Outing

In order to go anywhere, besides the RRC, this month, I have to let my CW know and have it approved. This morning, I did my 3-hour driving for 10 minutes with my CW in order for her to approve my schedule for the week. This includes: meeting with an assoc dean at my school, going grocery shopping, going to a couple meals out with my parent (mom and stepdad who are coming Wed-Thurs), seeing a real movie at the theater, and attending GA meetings. All approved. I had to provide an address for each place and I will have to have a form signed at each location - worth it!!!

After my drive back, I went immediately to my campus. I forgot how much construction happens in summer and had to go in several circles to get to the building I needed. The Associate Dean was waiting for me and was incredibly kind. He was not at all phased about having to fill out the attendance verification form once I said I was on home confinement. 

Anyway, as I knew, the grad school has very little to do with whether I get back into my school or not. It's all done on a departmental level. However, it's good I met with him, because he helped me figure out how I can take classes before formal admission, if I need it. Also, given that I may already have my grad assistantship lined up, he didn't see an issue for me to be admitted outside of the typical cycle (which would have meant waiting a full year to start back up once readmitted to the school). He did encourage me to consider other departments, which I am.

The Assoc Dean gave me advice that fits well with my own thoughts -use the past as an asset, not an incumberance. I certainly have even more passion for the value of education! He literally said, if you talk to them like you just talked to me, I think you'll have a chance. The biggest hurdle will be whether the programs think that having me as a student will harm their reputation. I need to turn it into an asset to have me.

It felt good to be on campus. It's where I belong. I may have to knock on 40 doors, but I just finished the first one and it was a positive experience. Plus he told me that his door remains open to me. That's a good thing.

After the meeting, I called my former supervisor from my graduate assistantship. That conversation also went super well. She'll be talking to her boss today and trying to get permission for me to help them out this summer, and in my old job once I am able... While her boss works out of the same office as my old advisor, I believe he knows my work enough and is an independent thinker. I pray he allows me to continue on. 

There are many, many more things I will need to do in order to move forward with my phd work, but at least I'm trying and I have certainly learned to jump through hoops!

Being home

Five days on home confinement so far, and I have to say, "life is good!!" There are so many things I can do and I'm loving it! I am married to my house phone (the rrc does call at any time they want to check to ensure I'm home --- midnight, 3am, 6am, 10:30am, noon, 3:00pm, 6pm, etc. They only call 2-3x per day, but I never know when the phone will ring). I always get a call that wakes me up.

Sporty set up a nice home for me to come to. It's a 70's rental townhome, so the floors squeak with every single step. Even little superdog can't avoid squeaking the floors. At least no one sneaks up on me!

My room seems huge to me, even though I don't have the master. In fact, my full size bed feels enormous. I roll over and don't hit a cinder block wall!!! I am still working on getting my room set up, but I take little steps every day. I have boycotted making my bed for a couple days, but I hate walking in my room and not having my bed made, guess I'll have to find something else to boycott.

Superdog follows me everywhere and sleeps next to my bed. She always slept with T.S. when she's home (which she is for the summer), but ever since my second day here, she barely leaves my side. I haven't lived with her in 3 years, so maybe she thinks if she keeps an eye on me, I won't leave her again. I don't know, but having the constant companionship of a wonderful dog makes home confinement much more tolerable!

I am able to get fresh air. My house phone in my pocket, I can sit just outside my front door, let Superdog relax with me, and enjoy being outside. I wish I could take walks, but that is not allowed.

I am still working out, though. Actually, it took me a couple days to get back into my daily habit. I discovered free workout videos on comcast on-demand. Many need weights and things I don't yet have, so I've stuck mostly to Pilates and yoga. It feels good to continue that morning tradition. 

Food is amazing!!! I forgot how good things could taste!!! This week's highlights include pizza, Chinese, chipotle, real salad, salami and provolone sandwich, ice cream, cheese omelette, home-made waffle, bacon, raisin bran cereal, taco salad, edimame, and Arizona Arnold Palmer tea/lemonade. It's a good thing I am working out!!! I've actually lost weight.

I've left the house only once. I had to drive myself to/from the rrc (3 hours total driving). My appointment there lasted 10 minutes. What a waste of gas. But it got me out and back being comfortable driving. I listened to radio and heard some current music. I'm really behind the times now. I'll repeat that trip 7 more times. Instead of counting down hamburger days, I will count down trips back to see my CW.

I've been enjoying catching up on some movies. I watched Hunger Games 2 and Frozen, so far. Oh, and just the first episode of the second season of "Orange is the new Black." I've been asked by tons of people if I think I could handle watching it. I said, " hell yes, it's hilarious..." I actually really want to watch it, but in just the first episode I was thinking, "wow, yep, that's pretty accurate," a couple times. The first episode lacked the humor and really went for the drama. I'm sure the humor will be back soon. Or, perhaps, I couldn't see the humor in something I just lived through. Although, I really saw humor every day living the reality of prison. As we would say, "you can't make this s**t up!"

I have started my job of doing everything to get back in school. I officially have a meeting with the associate dean of the graduate school and have reached out to a couple professors to talk with. The ultimate decision to let me in school lies at the departmental level, so hopefully I'll get more meetings set up soon! I'm nervous, but know I can do this!!

Survivor did a nice job on my finances and it looks like I can sustain paying minimums on my bills for two months while I work everything out. That's with the incredible generosity of many friends who donated funds to me while I was away and Sporty allowing me to share the townhome for free for a while. Everyone's generosity does not go unnoticed!!! Thank you friends!!!!!

In fact, friends have been stopping by, and it's been wonderful. I've seen Cashe a couple times (even watched some Doctor Who!). Joy, Traveler, and others have also stopped by. It's so nice to see them!!! For me, it doesn't seem like almost a year passed, but catching up, I realize how much their lives have moved forward. My perspective seems to be that life just stopped 10 months ago, but for others there are new babies, dissertation proposals defended, graduations, new jobs, people moving, new relationships, and so much more!! Even though I learned much of these things in letters, somehow it wasn't as real to me until I was home.

I think this month of home confinement will go by quickly. I'm keeping myself busy. I'm enjoying downtime with T.S. and reading recovery books with Sporty. Tomorrow is my 6 year G.A. recovery anniversary. I have permission to go to a meeting. Slowly, life is getting more and more "normal."

I had a hard time figuring out which remote went to which device.