Letters of Recommendation

In order to be admitted to the criminal justice program at my University, I needed to include three letters of recommendation. For some reason, two of the letters were shared with me when sent to the department. Most professors do not share their letters, but these did and it was a blessing to read their words.

I know that I have a couple degrees, but I never felt worthy of them. I never believed myself smart enough - always comparing myself to the smartest people in the room and falling short. I always felt like an impostor. The "fake" me was earning these rewards, the "real" me did not deserve any of them. Even when I walked across the stage to gain my diploma from law school, already hired at a firm, it didn't feel like I'd earned that right.

My mind was sick. I didn't believe in myself. I saw all accolades as lies. Everything good that happened to/for me was by chance. I hated myself and knew deep down that everyone hated me too. The emotional illness feeding my addiction was all-consuming.

When I applied the last round to my doctoral programs, I cast a wide net. I did not know how programs would rate my past experience, as I was not always working directly in the education sphere. I was surprised to be accepted to my top choice and several other top schools. On paper, I look good.

So, what happens when you go from what's on paper to who I am in person? In my younger years, I was able to sell myself, but I did not believe a word I said. Even though on paper it was the truth, I felt disconnected from it. Undeserving. Although I'd been in recovery several years before my last round of applications, some of that still lasted... Was I deserving this opportunity in this program?

It was not until I finished my first year in the doctoral program, that I fully realized I was capable and that I did not have to be the smartest person in the room to succeed. We all have our own gifts and we each bring something different to the classroom, to our research, and to discourse. If we all interpreted everything the same, then no change would ever occur. No scholarship would need to be published. By the time I was in my second year, I felt secure, intelligent enough, and capable. I'd earned my right to be a doctoral student.

Now, here I am (re)applying to graduate programs. I have no fears of my worthiness. I earned enough high marks in my doctoral program to equal any top applicant. It's not intelligence that makes the difference between who succeeds and who fails, it is motivation, passion, and of course hard work. Looking back at my lifetime of success, now, I'm able to see those same qualities throughout. My success was not as an impostor, it was from hard, motivated work. 

When reading the letters of recommendation this week, I can officially accept that they are writing about the "real" me. I'm a whole person, with successes and failures, but even with my worst failures that led to unimaginable consequences, my successes still win out. I learn from my failures and try to do the right thing. No person is perfect, even if I held myself to that unattainable goal for most my life.

I will share with you one line from one of the letters. It said that I was probably "the top undergraduate that [she] had in [her] 30+ years of teaching." I have no idea if it is true, but it does not matter, because she believes it to be true and my being her student led to us both growing as people. I did not do my undergrad at some top university that earns accolades. It was a state school, and not the flagship state school. I never knew if I would have been accepted to a top school, I never applied. I left high school early, needing to leave my home life, and went to the furthest college I could and still be an in-state student. I do not regret that decision, as it allowed me the opportunity to learn from and work with the professor who wrote that line in one of my recommendation letters. Everything happens as it should.

I will sit down this weekend and write thank you letters to my three recommenders. Whether or not I am admitted, I know they put thought and effort into their pieces of the admission puzzle. I know I've earned their praise, even if it is sometimes hard to accept. I am smart and capable and I will add something unique to any program and classroom. I now know and accept that fact.

Supervision

It has been over a week since I met with my PO and I haven't heard from him, he has not stopped by, and I don't (yet) feel any strings pulling me (imagine a puppet). With the restraints of the past year, I feared supervision still resulting in the feeling of being contained. Instead, I feel remarkably free.

My only limit that I really feel so far, is the inability to travel out of state. Truth is, though, finances won't allow me to travel anyway. Without my scooter, I don't even have a current method of transportation. I'm taking public buses to/from campus everyday for my no-pay job. Luckily, I have a lot of quarters. So, my travel consists of where the local buses can take me and I'm comfortable with that fact.

Actually, there is one drawback. The 2pm bus I take home from campus everyday is the last trip before leaving work for the bus driver, so, he drives like a maniac! He swerves, he hits curbs, he drives in the middle of the street... I actually got motion sickness the other day and had to wear those motion sickness arm bands on his bus trip the next day. Luckily, today was his day off, so my ride went smooth and the geeky arm bands stayed in my satchel.

The bus stop is a couple minute walk from my home. Last year, when I was so sick, I wouldn't have been able to walk it. Now, I enjoy every bit of the walk - especially with the nice weather (although I understand the weather down at Carswell is so hot that they are closing the compound... It's never good to keep the inmates all cooped up for too long...). 

I imagine sometime soon, I will see my PO at work or home, or perhaps he will call. I'll be able to tell him about my application into the university, loving being back at my job, and that my goal is to be officially hired and start earning wages on August 15th. 

In the meantime, life is about trying to not spend money (never easy), keep my health up, stay grateful, and keep moving forward while I never forget the people I care about. I won't throw people away that matter. As long as I know I'm doing the next right thing!

I'm going to get to some of those questions a few of you wrote to me after the friend update very soon. I want to spend some time on them. I was also asked to be a guest blogger on someone else's prison related blog. I've never done that before, so I'm trying to work on the right topic. I never run out of things to write, but as all this blog's readers can attest to, some blog posts are better than others!!

I am not going to tell my PO at the present time about the fact that I'm starting to write a book - well, actually working on three books. One has been within me for many, many years, but I didn't know how to end it until now. Another has grown out of my recent experiences. The third is the book I wish I had to prepare myself for self-surrender. I have a lot of dreams and goals in my life, and now I'm embarking on one I've had for more than 20 years - to write a book that sells! I believe I have it in me.

Anyway, this post has certainly swayed around topics quite a bit, but the most important item I'm sharing is that being on "paper," "street time," "probation," "supervision," (whatever you choose to call it), isn't so bad. You no longer have someone pulling all your strings and controlling all your movements. You have choices and as long as you choose healthy, legal things, you will do just fine!

Keep your fingers crossed that the bus driver has tomorrow (oops, after midnight... today) off as well!!!

Opening the Door

Many of us have a lot held in. We have things we don't tell everyone, just our closest friends and family. It's normal to use discretion when we talk with colleagues- they don't need to know everything about us.

It is pretty great, though, when someone opens the door to a conversation you never thought you'd had. Yesterday, I realized that I did just that for a work colleague. She is very work oriented and while I know some basic things about her life and grand kids, I don't know all that much about her personal life.

While driving and walking to a meeting, yesterday, we started talking about nutrition and food. I was telling her about how food crazy I've been since coming back. That's when she revealed that when she picked her nephew up from prison, he was craving certain foods. She and I then talked a bit about her nephew and I could sense she was happy to be talking about him without any judgement coming her way. She has loved one or more people who have had an experience similar to mine and that was all that mattered.

In the past week of work (for no pay), I'm feeling great being in my old office and doing work that matters. From the very beginning, when I was first hired, we all felt that this was a perfect fit for me and the organization. Being back, I sense that everyone still feels that way.

In a couple weeks, I'll know my status for reentry into my university and whether I can accept the graduate research assistantship so I can continue working there. There's a part of me that knows this is all going to work out! Even if it didn't, though, it's good to know that I'll have this office of wonderful colleagues that I feel safe being open with, and they feel safe being open with me.

Hyper Sensitivity

Tonight someone asked me about the day I left Carswell. They wanted to hear how I felt, not just what I did. It's always so much easier to just go through the motions of the day, rather than how it all felt. At first, I said, "anxious," but that's not really the right thing. The closest I could get was, "hyper sensitive."

On the day you walk out of prison and into the rest of the world, everything is suddenly new once again. You get so used to the limitations and realities of life incarcerated, that you don't realize how insane everything is. There are bright colors everywhere. Signs advertising everything. Music. People on cell phone walking and not paying attention. People annoyed being in a short line. Space that has no specific purpose. Artwork. All kind of haircuts. Children. Laughter. Polite security people. Routines. Smiles. People who say, "excuse me," and, "thank you." Rude folks that bump into you. Smells ruminating from restaurants. The smell of McDonald's fries. People running places. Laptops. Pay phones. Calling cards. Cash. Empty chairs. Strangers. All kinds of shoes. Moving sidewalks. 

There's so much and it's all at the same time. Nothing happens fast at Carswell, but everything happens fast in the real world. Strangers talk to you. People sitting next to you are interested in what you are reading. You appear to be the only person without a cell phone, and everyone else's face is buried in theirs. I noticed it all. I tried to capture moments in my writing. There is so much we take for granted on the outside. I don't want to take anything or anyone for granted.

I'll keep thinking about the best words to describe that day, but for now hyper sensitive works for me. I noticed the little things that we usually stop noticing. After prison, tattoos are normal and dressing up is not. Pen and paper is normal and texting is not. A cafeteria is normal and a restaurant is not. A see through bag is normal and luggage is not. Grey and khaki are normal, red and black are not.

I'm home long enough now that I'm starting to get used to everything once again. T.S. did not want me to bring my cell phone with me to watch softball tonight, since I'm constantly using it. I left the phone at home. I'm back to posting nearly everyday on Facebook. I'm driving and not always paying attention to the constant advertisements in my face. I'm back to enjoying working with data and evaluation tools (total geek). 

I'm still quite aware, though. I walk a lot more, even if I don't have to. I try to make sure I thank people properly for everything. I'm more sensitive to the costs of things. I try to avoid khaki. I care about how I look a lot more. I tell those I care about that I love them every time I say goodbye. I still read my Peace a Day at a Time book every night before bed. I care less about what people think of me and have a lot more gusto to go after my goals. I say prayers for my friends still locked up and hope they will get opportunities to experience the hyper sensitivity soon as well.

At no point did I feel excited or particularly happy on the day I left Carswell. The minute Red was put in a cell, I felt the crushing reality of still being in BOP custody. Anything could happen to any of us at any time. I was at peace, though. I knew that I was walking out of the fences and cinder block walls for good. I was one step closer to freedom!

Healthy Goals

I think it's really important that we not only set goals around work when we are released, but we also set goals that will keep us healthy in mind and spirit. For me, that means trying to remain active and continue to lose weight. Even maintaining my weight loss would be a plus.

While I was in prison, it appears activity trackers became very popular. I was curious and put out on Facebook which ones were recommended. I keep a wish list for holidays, etc., and I was putting the recommendation on there. One of my incredibly generous friends had a different idea and yesterday I received a fitbit flex in the mail. Wow!

Now I can track my activities, steps, calories, sleep, and more! How wonderful!

So, here's the irony of it all... I am free, but I choose to have a device that tracks me and everything I do. I've never been handcuffed, yet I choose to wear a tightish "cuff" around my wrist. While I am no longer counted in my bed three times a night by security, now every time I roll over is being counted. I went from having to be monitored to choosing to be monitored. Ah, what is this world coming to?

I have to say, though, I already love my new fitbit flex. Yesterday, it motivated me to add in one more exercise video to my evening and I went for a short walk. I learned that I rolled over in my sleep 19 times (not to good at resting) and it offered me a silent way of waking by vibrating my wrist. I'm already excited to see how many steps a full day includes and if it will warn me that I've been too lazy when I spend my day at a computer. 

I know there are all kinds of ways to keep healthy. I'm not doing it all perfectly. However, something tells me that this little monitoring device might help me reach my goals and have fun doing so.

Friend Updates

I thought you may want some updates on some of my FMC Carswell friends. I'll start with Freckles. If you remember, Freckles was to finish RDAP and move to a halfway house by July 8th. She did graduate last week - yay!!!!! However, she finally received her HWH date and she isn't leaving until mid August. Another casualty of paperwork not being processed on time. She's keeping positive as always, but it's been a tough couple weeks. Like with what happened with me, somehow Freckle's name was put in the middle of some untrue gossip and it led to her dismissal from the department of education. She's an amazing tutor and it's sad that people can make stuff up and get people in trouble based solely on gossip. It gives her time to relax her last month there, so I guess not all is lost - and I know she will continue to tutor folks for free if they need it.

South, yes, I know, you haven't heard about South in a long time. Well, she's doing alright. Somehow, when she left Carswell, she learned that she had an additional six months home confinement. It is crazy that this was not known prior to her incarceration. She never should have been in prison, and now she continues to be under BOP custody. It ends in August. She's doing well, though. She is much healthier now that she has all her medications and can see her doctors.

Lola is doing well at the Carswell Camp. Her husband also made it through his heart surgery alright and is going back to work this week. Lola does not have as good a job at the camp, than she did at the FCI, but it's much more relaxed and she seems good.

Taz is seeking pen pals. She still has a couple years to go and she likes writing with folks. I imagine it would be hard doing time with no outside support or funds. She is also facing some unknown health issues and they say she needs immediate treatment, but have not yet told her for what...

Red is at home, working, and being a mom to her three kids. It took her about a month to find a job, but she was persistent and she did it! She plans to start classes at the state college and has many dreams and goals. I have no doubt she will reach them!

Mama is still trying to get transferred closer to home. The paperwork has been filed, so now it's a waiting game. Her parents are still fighting for custody of Mama's sons, whose father refused to return after a scheduled visitation many months ago. The judge seems to be on Mama's side and even the father seems to realize that raising two boys under 7 years old is a lot of work. Since he took the boys, Mama has not spoken with them once and she prays to hear their little voices again soon!

Danbury is not listed in the state incarceration database where she was fairly sure she would be after her release. I pray that means that she is home, close to her kids and her mom, and moving forward with her life. Somehow I believe our paths will cross at some point in the future.

It's important to never forget that there are decent people who are incarcerated. Most did commit a crime, but many are punished far beyond what would be reasonable - especially the women who find themselves at FMC Carswell. I'll do my best to make updates when I can.

I've written a lot over the last year, and once in a while I receive emails from folks asking me questions. I was thinking, I need to put it out to everyone. Do you have any questions you want me to answer or issues you want me to write about? You can leave a comment/ question anonymously (or not) at the end of this post. Also, if you have any particular favorite posts from this blog, I'd love to know which you have enjoyed or found insightful. Let's make this post a bit more interactive and I look forward to answering your questions and getting your ideas and favorites!

School Update

Last week, I had the opportunity to meet with a professor of criminal justice at my school. We talked about the possibility of my joining the department this fall. On Thursday, I received an email inviting me to apply, even though the official deadline was at the beginning of the year. He'd already talked with other faculty, and they will consider my late application due to extenuating circumstances.

However, initially, if admitted, I would not be a doctoral student, but a master's student in criminal justice. They only accept five doctoral students per year, and their incoming cohort was selected in December. The professor I met with came up with the idea of my applying to the master's program, taking doctoral level courses for this year, and applying into the doctoral program this fall, for fall 2015. Meanwhile, my first year courses would transfer into the doctoral program, so I won't be another year behind. I can also transfer in my credits from many of my education courses as electives.

I know what many may be thinking, why am I considering this switch from education to criminal justice? No answer is easy, but let me start with my past. When I attended law school, I knew I'd never want to practice criminal law - the system is just too flawed. Innocent people are locked up, guilty people go free, racial disparities are huge, and money buys freedom. I could never see myself advocating to find a loophole allowing a rapist to go free or prosecuting a person who I know will spend more time in prison just because of the color of his skin. Instead, I focused more on civil areas of law - employment and family law. 

I did assist a criminal law professor on an interesting research project. We looked at racial disparities for sentencing on similar amounts of crack cocaine. The findings were very telling of the racism within the judicial system. I also did a bit of criminal law research when I was working with an appellate level judge. Other than my own case, the only criminal law cases I ever stepped in a courtroom for was a teen's petty theft (friend's son) and a few traffic violations. 

In the early 2000's, I taught for six years at a college part-time. I mostly taught courses related to business law or for paralegals. However, I was asked to teach a couple criminal justice courses (intro to criminal justice and criminal law). While I never wanted to practice criminal law, I really enjoyed teaching it to college students considering a career in law enforcement. Maybe I could help them understand the ethics behind the choices they will make on the job.

Fast forward to my life over the past year, and I witnessed first hand how flawed our justice system continues to be. From the fact that people are threatened to take plea deals for far more than anything they actually did, to the treatment of inmates in prison, I knew that my future would somehow include connecting my passion for education and the need to advocate change within the criminal justice system. There needs to be more alternatives to imprisonment, and more programs to help people become healthy in mind, body, and spirit while paying the consequences of their prior actions. I want to be a part of the solution... I've always believed that you should never complain unless you are willing to try and change the situation. For me, I want to ensure that people, especially women, have a more humane experience through our criminal justice system. I, also, believe that education, as a preventive medium, as well as a way to combat recidivism is a way to bring my varied interests together.

So, over the next week, I will complete the application process. I struggled to identify my three references, but even though I am not asking anyone from my former department, I was able to ask three wonderful professionals, including two faculty I've worked with, who are more than happy to give me positive and supportive letters, despite their knowledge of my past. 

No matter how many may try to shame you, there are good people in this world that can see you for the person you are. Just keep doing the next right thing. Never give up on your dreams. You have to maintain hope.

I don't know if I will ultimately be accepted into my university's criminal justice program, but applying and putting my best self forward is the only way to find out. I know the Director of the department liked me (in fact, he wants to hire me on the side to tutor his son in algebra based on my sharing what my job was in prison!). No matter what, though, I found another open door (so far many more open doors than closed doors), and being open-minded, honest, and willing are taking me one step closer to getting back in school.