Chicken Tortilla Soup from Scratch

Prior to incarceration, I wouldn't have attempted it. I'm not a cook. Whenever I wanted to help in the kitchen as a child, I was shooed away. Later in life, nothing was ever made except what went in the microwave. I always enjoyed home cooked meals, but doubted my own abilities. Since being home, I've branched out and tried and failed a few times - never ask me to make those puffy Thai noodles unless you want me to burn down the house! But, I've also had some successes! One of those is a wonderful chicken tortilla soup recipe!

It's healthy, has a kick to it, and tastes darn good! I'm proud of myself for learning the recipe, doing a little experimenting, and having decent success with it more than once. It's gonna be a staple food in my life for a while, I can tell!

It's an example that it's really never too late to learn something new. I don't ever think cooking will necessarily come easy to me, but I can never again say that "I can't cook," and Carswell actually taught me that. Carswell also taught me the real value of happiness. Even in my bad days since being home, I've been happy. How could I not be? Life is soooo good! I have everything I need and more! I am allowed to have choice, to think, to dream, to open a door and step outside, to smell fresh air whenever I want to, to ride a bus, to walk a dog, to sleep past six, to wear jeans, to own twenty pairs of shoes if I want to, to use the Internet, to reach out to friends anytime, to eat when I'm hungry, to sleep when I'm tired, to hug anyone I want to, ... What's not to love and be happy about? I can cook in a pot, on a stove, with fresh water, with real chicken, fresh vegetables, and savory spices. I can add any kind of cheese I want, and even sour cream - real sour cream. My mayo is refrigerated, so is my lunch meat and salad dressings.

Sure, about 2 1/2 months, I should be fully acclimated to life on the outside again. I think I pretty much am. My driving is what it always was. My technology geekiness is back full swing, I enjoy wearing a full range of colors and shoes. I spend time with family and friends like no time has past. 

It's different now, though. I know it, and they know it. It's subtle in some ways and not so subtle in others. I have stories of prison life that are now just a part of me. Some are curious, some don't want to hear them. I don't separate myself from any of my experiences. I'm genuinely more content - for better or worse. I'm also willing to try new things - like cook a new recipe... Even if it results in the smoke alarm beeping a few dozen times. Hey, I'm used to that, we had fire drills constantly at Carswell!!!

Couponing

I don't know if it got ten times worse while I was in prison, but the web and app stores seem packed with coupon and discount sites. There's ibotta, retail me not, cartwheel, groupon, store apps like Walmart/ target/ jc penny/ walgreens/ best buy and others that offers discounts and so, so, so many more. As I drive by or walk near a store, my phone literally lights up with offers for the stores I'm near. Yep, I'm still 'choosing' to be tracked.

I'm on an incredibly tight budget with no real income right now, so these discounts and coupons are a necessity of life. Often, I'm using a 15% off on top of a sale item to get even more off. At Target, I can use thier "Cartwheel" application discounts on top of the 5% off red card discounts. Everything helps, even when purchasing toilet paper or deodorant.

Don't pay full price for gasoline, I have a store card for 5 cents off a gallon. Need an oil change, here's $15 off. Want to eat out, groupon has many options, so does several coupon sites. I can get double up coupons at the farmers market - spend $10 in food stamps on fruits and vegetables, get $10 more. Need those shoes? I'll figure out where we can buy them for the least expense, plus get a discount on top of that. There's a way to get a discount on our cellular service. Let's get this discounted Internet service. Don't ring that up yet, I think I have a coupon!!

Since coming home, my life has been filled with a lot of electronic coupons and discount codes. Some are scannable, some I have to print, some I read to them aloud. 90% work. Even I am often surprised. I've even gotten free things, like ice cream, beverages, museum entries, movie tickets, and more using these coupon sites. 

This world is filled with great deals, but it's not always easy to find them. I'm lucky I have access to a smartphone that allows me to take advantage of so many deals. Many people in similar economic situations would not and therefore only those who could afford to pay more have the opportunity to pay less. Kind of backwards, right? It's making me think about the importance of getting technology access to those who are the most disenfranchised in our communities - including mobile access. Think about all the ways you use your mobile devices. Imagine if you could not have that access in today's world. For one thing, you would not be able to take advantage of all the great discounts available for the things your daily essentials.

A Health Update

My doc had ordered some labs that were done yesterday and I just so happened to have an appointment with my rheumatologist today. They were very telling. There was a lot of good news. In fact, I'd say they were the best darn labs I'd had drawn in over two years. As someone with a chronic illness that means a lot. All my CBC and other numbers look really good. However, there were two numbers that were concerning, but made sense. See, the last labs drawn at Carswell actually showed my inflammatory markers as nearly normal for the first time since I'd gotten sick. The sed rate and c-reactive proteins are very important markers for how active my illness is. Since they were low, I had been experiencing less pain and had all that energy and workouts were great. However, lately, my workouts (same ones) have been tougher, my pain has increased, my fatigue has increased, and I've noticed that I just can't do as much. Well, the blood work showed that my inflammatory markers are twice what they were in May and are well above normal ranges. Ah, that explains it!! The doc is raising the dosage of one of my meds and seeing how it goes. She also told me something I didn't know - sometimes flair ups are seasonal and asked if I'd noticed it... Well, it was in September two years ago that my health went really out of control so maybe summer/fall is my bad season. I'll have to track it. In the meanwhile, though, my job is to live with my chronic illness, not let my chronic illness live my life. I'm going to keep working out and adjust as needed and accept that sometimes I just have bigger limitations than other times.

In other news, Freckles is officially out of Carswell and at a halfway house. I'm so happy for her. Like me, not everything went according to her plan, but now she has her own room (I believe), access to a personal phone and vehicle, the ability to see her husband, the ability to work and earn real money (she already has a job), and a chance to move forward with her life. I think since she did RDAP, she will be at the halfway house 4-6 months, but her sentence is cut like a full year and she will be able to do some of her RDAP after care on home confinement. I think Freckles will be good with all the rules. She really isn't a troublemaker. I'm just so glad she is out of that place and able to start picking up the pieces of her life! I'm not sure how I would've gotten through Carswell, especially those last 5 or so months, without Freckles!!

Tonight I watched the DVD of the movie, "Divergent," which is a book series I loved. The movie was pretty good, but I'm glad I read the books first (isn't that usually the case). I hate to admit that I have yet to read a full book since I've been home. I also haven't finished my blanket. I have books to read. I have everything I need to finish the blanket. I have no excuses. I can't even tell you what I'm doing that's taking up so much of my time. I do feel a bit unstructured since I've been home. I never thought I'd enjoy knowing that I'd have 45 minutes at 4pm every day to relax and read or again at 9pm. I certainly don't want a regimented schedule again, plus I have errands and real responsibilities now, but I need to build in some time for reading and hobbies. I really do miss it! Plus, since I can't be working out as hard due to my current state of health, I mind as well be working out my brain and creativity!

Not on My Timeline

I put it out there on Facebook this morning... today was the deadline. It really is a deadline. Today is the absolute deadline for hiring Fall graduate assistants at the University. My job kept waiting to hear that the hold on my admission had been lifted, but the call/email never came. I learned this afternoon that the news will not come for another several days, we can stop waiting, the deadline will pass us by. What it means for my job, I don't know. Grad assistants are supposed to technically start Monday under contract. My benefits are supposed to start the 16th. Since I am not technically a student, I cannot be hired and I cannot be paid, nor can I earn any of the other benefits of a graduate assistant. It won't stop me from coming to work everyday. It's just going to make a lot more work for my supervisor and the organization's secretary to process me in once they are able to. I have no idea what it will look like, how long it will take, and what it will all mean, but I am not giving up hope!

I guess I look at all this stuff and must look at the bright side - I have not been told that my admission is being denied. All I am told is that it is on "hold." It is not on hold indefinitely. It has left the graduate school, now, and sits before a "committee" who is assigned to make a decision on every graduate student who applies to the University with a felony in their background. At this point, I am being held up against the same principles and rules as every other 'similarly situated' applicant, I guess I'm really okay with that. Perhaps I'm more, or perhaps I'm less of a scary character than others. Who knows?!?! Well, in reality, I'm not sure I could be more harmless than I am, but whatever it is they choose to consider from my file, will be fine. With multiple people on a committee, I pray it's not just an arbitrary decision. I should know early next week.

I have no idea if anyone reading this even cares if I get back into school or not. I don't even know why anyone reads this blog at this point. I sometimes feel like I am partially fighting this fight for all of us with felonies and/or addictions in recovery. I want us to be able to say that we do not need to be defined by our pasts. We watch famous people be able to move on and forward so easily from these things, but lay people are never given the benefit of the doubt. We need to constantly prove ourselves and defend our choices. We always have more and more hoops to jump through. The fight is exhausting, but if I can do, and if I can succeed, than I can be proof that others can do it too. We need some of us willing to jump through all the hoops in order to help others know that they just need to keep jumping. So, I'm jumping, and jumping, and jumping. I started jumping at Carswell and I had no idea how fit I'd need to be to continue to jumping once I was home.

There are so many times when I see dead end ahead warnings. Somehow, though, my gut tells me to just forge ahead, there may be a yield, but I can get past the roadblock. Perseverance, passion, belief, honesty, drive, character, humility, gratitude, acceptance, patience, and focus can help a lot. I do my best to never doubt the end goal. I am going to school in Fall. I am working this job. I may be on "hold," but that's just a formality, and it's only temporary. It's just another hoop. I will be going, I am just not able to do it all on my timeline.

It's up to the Grad School

It was only eight months ago that the grad school of this University sent me a letter informing me that my admission was being revoked. This morning I learned that the same Dean requested my new admissions file and is now making the new admissions decision. She'd ended her prior letters to me with "this does not preclude you from reapplying to [the University]." I hope it also does not preclude me from being readmitted to the University. My fate, once again, is in her hands.

The truth is, this may not be a bad thing. As I mentioned a couple days ago, the criminal justice department specifically asked for a waiver of the admissions processing so I can be admitted, which they said would need to be approved through the college of social sciences and the graduate school. So, the Dean requesting the file away from admission could merely be the formality of that process and my admission "could" be coming soon. When I mentioned what occurred to the CJ department in an email, the response was, "Sounds like they're working on it, and we should have word soon."So, I shouldn't worry, right?!?!? I'm doing my best, really!

I guess I should have put together my backup plan already. I'm a planner. I'm usually quite organized. I watch so many people with felonies struggle to get any work. Highly talented people who can't even flip burgers or make beds at a motel. With my health issues, I know that my only chance at work, and especially at paying off my restitution and being a productive member of society, is to be using my brain. I will just keep sustaining the hope that this is all going to work out. There is still time. Tomorrow is the deadline for putting me in the system for my graduate assistantship. We have about 28 hours from the time I am writing this post to receive an answer.

If I do not hear anything before the end of today, I will put together all the courage I have and try to reach out to the Dean in the morning. My hope is to just let her know the deadline we are on with the graduate assistantship and that I am available for any questions or concerns she may have regarding my application. I do not want to appear pushy, but I need this job along with the admission to the University and the grad school will understand that. I pray it won't have to come to that. I can see the worry in my supervisor's eyes. She also does not have a backup plan. She has plans for me that stem far more than even this upcoming school year. It's the organization's 50th anniversary in two years and she already has me on the planning committee.

It's my time to try to put all this out of my mind for a while and go spend some time being in the moment with a friend. I can do that. I will turn off my phone so that I am not constantly checking email and I will take a couple deep breaths and find the courage to let things be what they will be. I know that no matter what, it will be okay. I will be fine. I will persevere as long as I am in recovery.

Great Losses

Today I learned about two great losses. The first was a well known incredibly talented man - Robin Williams, the other, is only going to be well known postmortem, Michael Brown. Robin was 63 years old, had a wife, kids, incredible career, and all the money he would ever need. Michael was 18, just graduated high school, was about to start college (first in his family), had two younger siblings, a loving mother and father, had all the possibilities of the world in front of him, and barely enough money for his family to make it paycheck to paycheck. Robin was Caucasian. Michael was African American/Black. Robin struggled with addiction and mental illness and committed suicide. Michael was shot and killed while surrendering unarmed to a police officer. Michael would have known who Robin was. Robin would have mourned Michael's wasted death like the rest of us. These deaths bring up so many issues that are near and dear to my heart - racism, addiction and recovery, mental illness awareness, suicide prevention, police ethics, classism, power dynamics, and more. I cannot think about the death of one of them without juxtaposing it with the totally preventable death of the other. They were both tragic deaths. I certainly have my own opinion on which is more tragic, but it matters not. The world lost two important souls today because our society closes it's eyes to the most vulnerable populations. It's time we said, "enough is enough!!!"

Tonight, I had to explain to a nine year old about both deaths, as she inevitably picked up on the news of the day through talk, tv, and the Internet. Why do people commit suicide? Why would the police shoot an unarmed man? She lives in a city most of the time and sees tragedy more often than I even know. Yet, she still has that young girl curiosity and although I don't want to lie, I don't have all the answers.

I guess I kind of know. I've been so close to suicide in the past. In 2008, I hated myself so much that I believed I did not deserve to live and I just wanted the pain to stop. Once recovery and therapy started, I was able to quickly move away from that mindset, but it was a very scary time. 

As for the hatred and power behind the extreme racism and fear that must exist for the violence by officers against unarmed people of color, I do not know that feeling. However, I imagine that it is really built in extreme fear as fear drives so much of our negative choices and behaviors in this world! Police actually shoot their weapons rarely and there's a lot of protocol that goes along with the decision to shoot. Somehow, these officers from all over the U.S. are finding some fear based instinct overcoming their police trained protocols, and they are shooting. It's a horrible reality. Couple that with the fact that racism also plays a pervasive role in how long a sentence someone gets in prison and people of color are consistently targeted by the justice system. I don't agree with the riots, but I certainly understand the anger.

I think Robin Williams would try to use some humor to defuse the situation, though. 

"Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose."

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."

"If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days."

Well, you get the idea.

I'd like to think that had Michael survived, he'd had beaten the odds and graduated college. One day, he would have gotten married, bought a house, and had a career he loved. He would have had three children, like his parents. His kids would watch Netflix and one day would stumble on an old Robin Williams movie -maybe Mrs. Doubtfire or Jumanji and Michael would have watched with them. 

What's Tall, White and Has Four Wheels?

Answer: My car! I think I've just added the last key to my keychain to make it the complete set. Before I went to FMC Carswell, I mentioned how odd it felt watching my responsibilities diminish one key at a time. My car keys went to my mom and step-dad who chose to keep the car as their own for the last year, maintaining the payments and insurance. My mom bought a new car a week ago and now it was time to turn my car back over to me. With Sporty and T.S. out their way for the last few days, they were able to drive my car back home to me. Tonight, I had the opportunity to drive it for the first time in over a year. It was wonderful.

Taking back my car comes with the responsibility of paying the monthly payments and picking back up the insurance - both of which will start in September. Through school, I will be able to afford to do so. When the arrangements were made for me to regain my car, we hadn't realized a hold would be put on my admission at the University. However, I truly believe I will be starting this fall and my assistantship will begin in a week. I wasn't taken this far only to not have the opportunity. 

Driving my car for the first time tonight felt really great. My phone immediately synced up with the radio and it felt great on my back to be sitting up, instead of having to lean back, while driving. My folks took good care of it and it had been cleaned before it was turned back over. Only 12,000 miles on the odometer and a small ding on the door. I've got a sweet ride and I'm so grateful to have it back!

I have to admit, though, the car is more than I need. It is a 2013 model. It's a small SUV and very roomy. It has advanced technology and fun bells and whistles. It's not an automobile that someone just getting back on her feet is usually associated with. I had it before I knew I was going to prison. It was the same model as my old car, just a newer one that I traded in for. It seemed to make sense until later when it made no sense at all.

Now, though, I just will love my car. Maybe I'll finally give it a name - like I did Hope. It is a sign of my life moving forward and things coming back together. My keychain is full once again and I'm excited to have my car key back in its place.