Risking Rejection

When your in grad school, a ton of opportunities come through your email on a regular basis. Some are sent college wide, some to just the students in specific disciplines, and others are more specifically sent to students. Those are the ones that interest me the most, they are the opportunities that the sender specifically thought I might be a good fit for based on something I've done in the past, an interest I have, or something similar. Such was the case this week when I received an email inviting me to apply for consideration for a fellowship that will start this spring.

The fellowship covers some of the areas of research and interests I was studying prior to my incarceration, however, it is a subject that is not limited to education and applies just the same to any discipline in higher education - such as my current one - criminal justice. Therefore, even though my major has changed, I am still interested in the issues and could still be considered for the fellowship. The invite simply said that it was being sent to those of us involved with the project in some way over the past year or so. As we know, I was not part of the project at that time, I was prior, so I'm not sure how or when my name was added, but I received the invitation. Also, the professional colleague who is responsible for the fellowship is kinda connected to my former department in several ways, so I did not know if they would be open to an application from me. That's always my fear - the judgement - even though I can do nothing of other people's judgement of me. If I decide they will judge me poorly and let it affect me, then I decide to limit my own opportunities. That is not anyone's fault but my own. So, I will not let such fears hold me back. I wrote up my application. Stared at it for several minutes to make sure I had the courage to press 'send.' Then off it went to the servers in the sky.

An hour later, I received an email reply. It felt warm and friendly thanking me for applying. It actually said that they were "glad" I applied. Whew. I know many will apply. I will not kid myself that I will be selected automatically. I am just glad that I did not allow all that negative talk in my head and those fears stop me from taking this chance. The fact that I've feared that this formerly wonderful collegial relationship was forever tarnished is not (based on the warm response) helps me already feel as if I have been rewarded for applying. Sometimes, we need to put our best selves forward and take a risk. We may not get what we want, but we may actually get something even better - one less fear holding us back!

A Carswell Shower

I'm not sure what occurs that makes it happen, but every so often, I am right back there at Carswell and it's as if Scotty has beamed me suddenly. It happened during my shower. It should have been a quick in/out shower, but instead I was in One South during the holidays of 2013, The Grinch who Stole Christmas was our Theme. My roommate hadn't been busted for drugs yet. South and Lola were my constant companions. We were all so lonely for our families and friends. Thanksgiving without our loved ones was the pain we tried to hide.

South is home and I pray is happy and once again surrounded by family. Lola is still at prison camp, but at least she's not behind the fences. Taz has a couple holiday seasons to go. I hope this is Mama's last, maybe Glitter's too. Nurse is closer to home, in California at a camp (or at least I think she is). I am not sure if Cali was close behind her or is still waiting. Chi will be at the camp for several years yet. I wonder what the holidays are like at the camps. Red is home with her babies. Freckles is at the halfway house, but will be on home confinement before the end of the year. I'm so glad she gets to spend her holidays with her husband. 

For those still behind the fence, their creative minds are running rampant right now trying to come up with a great unit theme. The bragging rights for being the best decorated unit is huge! The creative talent is unbelievable. I was explaining to our niece this weekend that I think so many of the women get mixed up with drugs and illegal activity because they are brilliant creative artists, but cannot learn traditionally in school and fall through the cracks. To survive, some end up on the streets and make choices that result in illegal activities. Their art, though, is incredible. I saw people create things in five minutes with subpar supplies that top art students couldn't do in weeks. Its not just one person, either, so many of them!

Not sure why all these things came to my mind in what was to be a quick shower, but I immediately knew that I need to make sure that my friends know that someone cares about them during the holidays. I may not be allowed to write or email, but they are allowed to receive books from Amazon. Perhaps a shipment of books will be finding their ways into the hands of some of the people I care about over the next couple months. They may never know they are from me, but they will know that they are not alone for the holidays!

A Simple Weekend

We had visitors for the last several days. Sporty's parents came in and we've been enjoying their company and keeping very busy. Six of us have been snuggled throughout our home, and it feels like a real home. I totally enjoy days filled with short road trips, sightseeing, a little shopping, listening to family stories, spending time with the young adults, and being a host. 

Sporty's father was recently diagnosed with the beginning stages of Alzheimer's. These are the times we need to cherish and he's still has quite the memory. Sporty's mom is full of energy. She's a lot of fun and just loves hanging out on facebook and being around family. If she could, I think she'd stay through the end of the week. They leave in the morning, though.

Today, I spent much of the day with T.S. and her first cousin Bracelets. They are just three months apart in age and have always been like sisters. Bracelets goes to school a couple hours away and joined us for the weekend since her grandparents were here. Today, the three of us went to the library together and, using the pomodoro technique, worked on our separate papers for school. We successfully studied for about 3 hours and avoided distraction using the technique. Success - and I taught them a new way to study. I have a lot more to do on my paper, but I'm much further than I was prior to today!

Tonight, I saw a decent movie, Whiplash, with T.S. and Bracelets. They are young adults, so it's very nice that they want me to tag along with them. Family really is awesome - even when they aren't the ones that are blood related.

Oy, I'm soooo tired and I have to be up at 6am to attend a conference for work. So, I'll just be grateful for a very nice weekend.