Hello community! I hope this post finds people well. I am now a 2nd year PhD student and have some exciting news... I've been awarded a fellowship to study gambling motivated crime at another University - including a month long residency - which will occur next summer. I finally almost feel like I may be on the right track. I never feel 100% adequate as a doctoral student, but the research I am doing is exciting to me and I feel may make a difference for many people in the future.
Why do I feel like informing you all of this?
It is because I am continually trying to use my experience of having an addiction, being in recovery, and the incarceration as an asset, rather than a detriment. Wouldn't it be amazing if people coming out of prison/jail automatically felt that they gained something positive from their experience that could help them in the future? I certainly do not feel everyone should have to experience being incarcerated - especially given the experiences I had. However, we all face so many things that potentially could stop us from chasing our goals/dreams. It is resiliency that helps determine whether these experiences inhibit us or not. While for years "hope" was my word, for the last several months, I have been focusing on "resiliency."
How did I become a person who appears to be resilient? I'm sure there is a lot of research that shows we develop resiliency when we are young. There has to be an underlying belief in yourself. Interestingly, I do not believe I have had very high self-esteem generally throughout my life. However, I often had people who stepped up as mentors and advisors when I most needed support that assisted me with finding solutions to major problems.
For example, I almost dropped out of college as a Sophomore. I was totally lost. I entered college as a theater and film major, but by my sophomore year, I experienced horrible homophobia in my theater department (and in other parts of my life) and was also unable to afford the costs of film and supplies associated with a film major (this was the early 90's - nothing was digital). So, I had no idea what to do. It was an academic advisor and a couple other women in higher education roles, that took me under their wing to ensure I did not drop out. I actually somehow had a semester of being a full-time student without ever entering a course. My credits were based on other experiences offered to me on campus (I was making a video for a sports team, keeping a journal from some leadership experiences, etc.). I could not have been resilient, found a new major, and ultimately graduated my undergraduate institution without this support.
While I often refer to the experiences I had in prison in trying to get out as self-efficacy - an academic word for one's belief that they have the ability to succeed. Perhaps, much of my experience was actually resiliency. I have many people to thank for helping instill some resiliency in me. I think this is why I often say that I am not special or unique. I am just the culmination of the experiences I have had throughout my life. I am sometimes proud of myself for the resiliency in my life. Sometimes, I doubt myself. No concept is simple. Just thought I would share!
Are you a resilient person?