10 Questions

Immediately after my sentencing I noticed a theme  to many of my conversations with friends and family who wanted to know what happened, why, when, etc about the details. The next day, I decided to just write a list of the ten questions I think most people who are curious about everything and care about me would want to know. When I get together with people and they start inquiring, I ask if they would like to go through the ten questions, and they seem to like it. Some have a couple more questions, but generally, these take care of most of their initial curiosities:

1. Where and when will I be self-surrendering?
2. How must my life change prior to self-surrendering and why?
3. Why did the judge say I have to leave my doctoral program?
4. How will money work while I am in prison (how will I pay my bills, etc)?
5. Why was the sentence so harsh?
6. How will communication/visitation occur when I am in prison?
7. What should you tell people?
8. How can you help me through this?
9. What happens after prison?
10. How can this be a good thing for me?

I will cover how I answer each of these questions in a basic way here. I may cover them in more detail in a later blog entry. The important thing for you is to think through the questions relevant to your life (obviously #3 is specific to me and #4 is specific to me because I do not have a spouse).

Where and when will I be self-surrendering?
 In the general sense, most people sentenced to self-surrender are told an approximate date of their self-surrender and a probable location at their sentencing hearing. Always being a little different, neither is exactly the case for me. Due to the fact that I have a chronic autoimmune condition requiring a substantial medication regiment and work accommodation, the judge ordered that the department of prisons must look at my medical needs before assigning me to a location. I was promised that I will not be assigned prior to August 18th (after the summer semester of school ends because I would have to pay back all my summer funding if I had to drop out prior to the end). So in both the case of where and when, I can honestly say, "I don't know." My hope is Alderson Prison Camp and my hope is after the Jewish High Holidays - putting me self-surrendering in mid-September. This, however, is 100% out of my control.

How must my life change prior to self-surrendering and why?
I live alone in a two bedroom nice apartment off the public transportation route in my town. I lease a car, eat several meals out per week with friends, and enjoy day trips on my limited income when I can. Over the next several months, I will be needing to save money to help ensure I have the funds I need for my commissary account, a storage locker for all my belongings, sell items I will not need as I will be downsizing, turning in my car lease, and saving on gas and other expenses. My life is about minimalism, saving, downsizing, gratitude, and acceptance. My close friends will need to understand this as well.

Why did the judge say I have to leave my doctoral program?
See yesterday's post.

How will money work while I am in prison?
On the inside: Everything comes through the commissary. Every month, Survivor, my financial "coach," will send me money orders I leave with her before I go to put into my commissary account. Based on talking with an individual who has spent time in Dublin, I plan to start with approximately $225/month for the first several months and lower it to about $125-$150/month toward the latter months in order to cover my needs/wants (shower shoes, watch, extra shirts, gym shoes, phone time, emails, stamps, stationary, shampoo, soap, toothpaste, drinks, snacks, razor, knit hat, etc). I will likely write a separate piece on the commissary one day. No one can send me anything from the outside except books, but that is a special process that I will also set up in advance.
On the outside: Most unmarried prisoners have to do a bankruptcy, unless they have money saved and a good money management person on the outside. Prisoners cannot manage their affairs from the inside. I know that mine cannot be managed. I will work with Survivor to manage what we can set up and we will decide what we cannot do. It will be okay. 10 months is not forever and I will see what I can do when I am out. I am hoping to not have to do a bankruptcy. I have never had to do one, even with all my gambling debts. However, the problem lies with that. I still pay off some of my old debt and the 10 months of not being able to pay off debt may become something that puts me too far into the hole. However, I am not figuring this out today. Will update on this when it is figured out because I think this is valuable to others to know what we figure out.

Why was the sentence so harsh?
Okay, you're thinking... 10 months... not so harsh! And, I totally agree. Honestly, it could have been many years. Even my plea could have been up to 2 years. The thing is that there was a lot of mitigating reasons for it not to be - most specifically the fact that NONE of the parties were asking for me to serve multiple years, that I am working recovery, in school, etc. It wasn't even being considered. I spend the day before the sentencing with my attorney and we never even considered the possibility of 10 months in prison. That is why this seems harsh. So, those of you facing years, I apologize. Had the government, honestly, done their job efficiently and charged me 4-5 years ago, I would also be looking at a much harsher sentence. If you have not been charged yet, are awaiting charges, are not sure you will ever be charged, etc. All I can recommend is to spend this time doing the right thing for yourself - GET THE HELP YOU NEED! If you have an addiction, any kind of addiction, admit it to yourself - and get into the appropriate 12 step program. Get into therapy with an appropriate counselor. Work on your demons. Work on whatever caused you to get yourself into trouble with the law. Don't wait for the judge, the prosecutor, your lawyer, or anyone else to tell you that you need to get help - do it yourself! So, my answer to why was the sentence so harsh is that the sentence is NOT harsh. It is not harsh because I have done everything I should be doing to ensure I will never gamble again and to ensure that I will never feel so desperate that I would ever steal again. Even the prosecutor believed that I would never commit a crime again. However, the most important person who has to believe that would never do such destruction to their life again is YOU!

How will communication/visitation occur when I am in prison?
Communication: Every form of communication has it's price, but is the lifeline of every prisoner, so cost is not a barrier! I will have 300 minutes of phone calls/month (30 - 10 minute phone calls); emails; and letters. I will be allowed to have a list of 30 people I am allowed to communicate with at any given time. Make a list of the people you want to communicate with. Make sure you know their phone numbers, current addresses, and email addresses. Make sure they want to communicate with you. They must accept you as a communicator or you will not be allowed to communicate with them. Make sure they know to check spam email. No one is allowed internet, so everything comes from a prison email system. No google or gmail. No pretend I'm not in prison! Letters are encouraged. No gifts.

Visitation: Every prison camp has their own visitation rules. Generally speaking, visitors can visit Friday-Monday with 8 hour shifts on Saturdays and Sundays, but it depends on the camp. Prisoners can spend the entire day with their guests in the visitor area which usually includes an indoor and outdoor area (often spaces for kids to play as well). Visitors are encouraged to bring lots of quarters, as the only food for visitors and prisoners during the visit are in the vending machines and visitors must pay. Hugs are only allowed at the beginning and end of the visit.

What should you tell people?

Whatever you are comfortable. I told my friends and family that they can say anything they want to anyone they want. I cannot control their actions. However, in order to not lie, at the very least, they can tell people that I am away for a while or I'm away for personal reasons. In honesty, it really is no one's business, but I do not believe in lying.

How can you help me through this?

A lot of people ask me this. They are such good friends that want to help and through my recovery program I have had to learn both how to ask for help and how to accept help. Getting help is not a sign of weakness. It is a way of connecting with others, we help others and others help us. We "pay it forward" and it is not even about helping the same people that help us, it is just about brink there when someone needs it. They are then there when someone else needs it. So, my friends that ask how they can help, I am honest. I can use help packing, moving, and making some difficult decisions. Mostly I just need an ear sometimes when it all gets overwhelming. They are very happy to oblige.

What happens after prison?

The sentence of imprisonment is only the start. My sentence actually ends in 2017, possibly later when my full restitution is paid off. After I spend time at the prison camp, I will likely have to go to a halfway house for a couple weeks to months. They do that as a transition. Then I have supervised probation for three years with substantial financial, travel, and other restrictions. Some things I read say that the restrictions being at home can actually be more difficult for some. I'm just going to take it all a day at a time.

How can this be a good thing for me?

Few people going to prison could think there's a silver lining- maybe the person who needs alcohol or drug treatment - but most people I imagine can not see it. I'm fortunate, however. I have been given five amazing years to experience life with clear eyes and a healthy brain. Five years where I did not hide from emotions of fear or love or anger or pride. I traveled to amazing places where there was nothing to feel but the presence of my higher power and serenity. So, I know that this is happening now, so long after anyone ever thought it would, for a reason. I believe there is someone that I must meet or that must meet me - perhaps both. I must grow. My story needs this experience. I will connect with what is good and observe all that is around me, even in a place like a federal women's prison camp. Perhaps I can be a voice of "hope," a word I believe in so much for someone who has lost her way. I don't know. But, I believe I will "pay it forward" all these five years of gifts given to me, in my months in prison!