A Blank Calendar

My appointments, responsibilities, and life as I lived it for the past few years has officially ended. My phone calendar, which typically beeps at me constantly to remind me of my next thing to do or place to be, is empty. My twelve keys went to ten, then seven, then six, then four, then two, and now zero. I leave tomorrow with a small roller bag filled with more medication and paperwork than clothing.

I laughed tonight. A lot. I saw a wonderfully funny - smart funny - movie. A perfect distraction. My tears came at times later, but I could focus and move forward. 

An earlier blog mentioned the idea of Survivor and I taking a road trip, but expenses were too high. Instead we are each flying in, from different airports, as we live several hours away from one another. We will meet in Dallas, spend the first night in a nice hotel, and ensure my finances and other needs are all being properly cared for by someone. We will laugh too, Survivor always makes me laugh!

I sent an email today to the student who broke my trust which resulted in many negative consequences. I chose to apologize to her as I do not want to leave with any ill will. It really makes no difference that she broke my confidence, because other people's reactions are based on my being a felon and going to prison. My anger at her is displaced. I cannot put blame on others for how people react to pieces of my story - real or fictionalized. My challenge is to help people understand the reality of this addiction more so compassion and forgiveness is possible.

I am leaving in peace and with hope that I will be back here soon, adding keys to my keyring, appointments to my calendar, and a bit better at not displacing my anger or fear on others.

Oh, and another update on the future of this blog. Additional friends will be assisting to keep it going. I will be writing posts often and emailing them, which will be posted with their date written. Friends may talk about their experiences around all this. Stay on this journey with us. I look forward to seeing how things look and reading the blogs and comments upon my return!

3 days til self surrender. 14 hours til I fly to Texas.