A Letter on Sex and Gender in Prison

I wrote the following letter to Cache 10 days into my incarceration. This was based on observation and thoughts of what I was witnessing. It is not based on empirical research of women's experiences in prison.

8-29-13

Cache,

I was already planning on writing this note around sex and gender here before what just occurred, but it is even more relevant now. There is a counselor here, Ms. X, she is the counselor in the mental health unit. She is tough, very tough, but she is sweet, respects every inmate and most definitely wants the inmates going home to their babies! She just came to our 4pm count as tough as tough can be. Screaming at anyone who got out of line and establishing new rules for the count (now not just my room has to step outside the room, but every inmate does). After count, she has us all go downstairs for a “town hall meeting.” We all had to stand the whole time and my ankles were killing me. Anyway, she stands on a table and starts by dispelling all the rumors about the counselor in this unit (Mr. T) who has been gone 2 ½ weeks. People were spreading all kinds of bad rumors about why he’s been gone, when actually he is enjoying himself in Hawaii at the moment - rumors in this place spread, change and become something bad every time. Next, she goes into a speech she actually makes at orientation (so I heard it last week). The speech is about the fact that as women, as ladies, we (inmates) are disgracing ourselves with all the crazy relationships, sex and std’s that occur as a result. I’m not sure how those in relationships felt about it, but I, for one, greatly appreciated her telling folks to calm it down. She was/is much more graphic with her language (talking about licking women’s v-g’s, etc). Plain and simple, this is not about sexual orientation/preference, it is about the prison rules, the fact that there are many women here (including myself) who just want quiet and sleep at night. I kid you not that from my observations, a good 90% of the inmates I’ve been in contact with violate the relationship/sex rules. So, here’s my thoughts on why and what I see.

Most of the women do not arrive here claiming any sexual orientation other than heterosexual. But they also arrive lonely, ashamed, and filled with self-disgust and incredibly low self-esteem. When another woman starts to pay them attention, the attention they crave, they can escape their self-reflection and focus on someone else, anything else, but look at their own pain. The relationships are unhealthy from the get-go. I watched a young inmate get beat up by her “girlfriend” who is many years her elder here and hours later they were “back together” paying no attention to the bruised fat lip. What these women crave is attention, someone to tell them that they matter, that they are loved and lovable,…I see it in their eyes. I know the look, it was me before I actually started to work on myself, face my demons, and accept myself. I couldn’t be alone ever, before I was able to find my own worth. I wish this place helped more of these inmates find their own self-worth too.

There is also a gender reality here. All around I see individuals that I can say ‘appear’ to be transgender, their hair, way they carry themselves, etc is all male/masculine, just like the many trans people I’ve known through my life. But here, I don’t know if that is what it is. It may be playing the “stud” role, the self-identified lesbian who wants the ‘straight’ women to do the chase. And that’s what I do see, the feminine women chasing the bois (the very masculine women). Is this the same as a trans on the streets or is it prison play? I, honestly, do not know. And, I’m not referring to just a few bois. There are a lot of them, with perfectly barbered hair, possibly binding their breasts. Yet, being referred to by their given female name and called women. If they are in fact trans, the women’s underwear, bras, names, etc would break them, depress them. Trans bois become suicidal at times when they can’t truly express their gender. How is it in here? They are definitely safer here than at a men’s prison, and they seem to get their pick of women. I wonder how Ms. X’s speech sounded to them. Their real gender having to be put aside while here.

So, I’ve talked relationships and I’ve talked gender, now about sex, not the chromosomes, the act. Women have sex here, they do. They sneak around and take chances and act stupid. Sex will get you put in the SHU. It will take away your “good time” so you have to be here longer. Why on earth do they have sex? Just like teenagers, where emotional and mental maturity has not caught up, it is fun, exciting and risk taking. Other than us white collar offenders, most these women love risk in their lives. They ran the streets and snuck around all their lives. Now, why wouldn’t they do the same thing here, in prison, where they have no self-esteem to start with. Prison can be boring, but sneaking around and not getting caught is exciting. They have no regard for the others, having sex in a room while the roommates try to sleep but scared to tell. Having sex in showers, on toilets (not kidding) and in stair wells. Public places. Why? The risk. No one wants to walk in on 2 people having sex, or more people which happens too. But, common respect is not a part of the life here in prison. So many inmates disrespect their roommates, their C.O.’s, their counselors, and themselves!

I’m not trying to say I’m “better” than anyone here. But, I will follow the rules. I desire to keep to myself, respect others, and give back. Seeing young women beat by their “girlfriends” or the drama of who is dating whom actually breaks my heart. These young women need direction and help. Instead they are finding escape and risk in prison. What will they be like when they leave? The revolving door of prison exists because we fail to help these young women find direction.

Just my thoughts,

Thoughts??

Love, Dragonfly

P.S. A code for women who want to find another woman is to have your shorts pockets sticking out, like really? Look ridiculous to get picked up!

P.P.S. I keep thinking of more things to mention on this subject. A lot of the ‘relationships’ are based on $, those who have none in their commissary trying to get with someone who has $ and will purchase items for them. Like I said, it’s a game. The newbies are easy targets, assumed to have $ and support. Why do they allow themselves to be used in this way? Attention and low self-esteem.