Fear

I've been asked a lot if I'm scared. I can only answer honestly, " of course I'm scared." I've never heard a story about prison being a good place to go. But I can't live in worry and fear every day. It would merely cause paranoia and nothing I actually think is likely to actually happen. I have to live in the day. I do continue to research constantly through prisontalk.com, online, even research studies done in women's prisons. I've always been a curious person. I want answers. I love the ability to find answers by typing with my fingers anytime of the day or night. I'll miss that.

I was thinking that perhaps if I just list quickly the various things that are my fears, I can at least get them out there. They are here, in my head, but they don't drown me or paralyze me. But I'm sure anyone in my position would have some. I have plenty:

- getting beat up (I've never been in a fight in my life)

- not getting the medication I need

- watching people die (it is a medical center)

- being around aggression

- people stealing my things

- being put in a top bunk (I wake up very stiff in my legs)

- racism, anti-semitism, homophobia

- rape (7 employees found guilty of raping inmates in past 15 years, even a priest)

- a flair up of my medical condition

- someone in my family or a close friend gets really sick or dies and I can't be there

- somehow getting thrown in the SHU

I guess that's a lot to be fearful of, but I also think its normal. I'm going to an unknown with a bad reputation. I'm leaving behind all I love and my comforts. I have allergies, illness, dietary needs, glasses, a recovery program, and other things that may make the transition difficult at times. I figure once I can get past the initial strip search I may be able to let go of some of my fears, but I didn't list that one but it mortifies me. I am not one of those people comfortable in the nude, ever. I'll just close my eyes, bite the inside of my lip (like I did when I was scared to go on stage in my theater days) and face each of these things. 

I walked into my first GA meeting with all men, until one woman walked in. In some ways, that night was filled with just as many fears because back then I did not yet know how to work through my emotions. Today I can. So, I do have fear, I am scared. I believe that is quite healthy given that I self surrender 2 weeks from today.