Friends and Dates

I've been reaching out to my friends and asking them to give me their dates - their birthdays, anniversaries, and for those in G.A., their clean dates. I'm putting these dates with their names, addresses, phone numbers, emails, and ages (ages only for those that want to be included on my visitation list). I will carry one list in with me, have a copy that I mail to myself just before self-surrender and give a copy to Survivor just in case. Somehow I'll make sure I get the information. This will be my means of communication, and more importantly, to let people know that I care about them too (celebrate their special days!).

Tonight was an especially difficult night for me. I recently learned that a friend of mine was having some suicidal thoughts and, well, I felt it instinctually hours ago. This important person sent me a text filled with positivity, but I know this friend well and I knew that something about the text didn't read just right. It sounded to 'final.' So, I called and texted and got no response and then the night ensued with a lot of other people involved but I'm happy to report that my friend did not hurt them self, although I had interpreted the earlier text correctly (as contemplation was occurring). I really care about my friends and being in prison will keep me from being able to be there for my friends in their times of need (whether big or small). Recovery gave me the ability to know how to be a real friend and prison will take away my right to be a friend. Instead it just feels like everyone is doing for me, and it feels too one-sided.

Maybe my ability to acknowledge birthdays and anniversaries with the bland prison cards available will mean something. Most people just get a Facebook message from most people these days. Maybe I'll be allowed to make my own cards or include my dorky craft projects. It really won't matter. I just want to be able to acknowledge my friends and let them know how much I appreciate them and that I may not know their highs and lows, but I wish I did.

I dedicate this blog posting to my good friend who is going through a very hard time right now but will wake to see the sunrise in the morning.