Sex, Affection, and Relationships in Prison

So, I'm running low on days to write this blog post before my self surrender, so I suppose now is the right time. If anyone reading this blog has watched "Orange is the New Black," they have seen a lot of prison sex. Well, while the free reign of locations and time do not really exist in women's prisons, sex does happen. To my utter amazement, one academic study noted that 75-80% of women in prison engage in some sort of same-sex "coupling or relationships" that include some sort of sexual favor. I thought perhaps I would write a bit about what I've read.

First, it seems to make little difference as to the sexual orientation of the woman in prison. Some call it, "gay for the stay." Others just refer to it as the necessary need to have intimacy and affection. Sexual favors do not always include something which leads to orgasm. In many prisons, women who are identified as lesbians or who are not very feminine are considered "studs." The other women are considered femmes. In many prisons it is the femmes that let the studs know they are interested, but if caught, it is often the stud that is penalized. COs often keep a close eye on anyone known to be a lesbian (homophobia alive and well in the prison system even though there are some really amazing policies and anti-discrimination training against doing so). 

Second, families of sorts form in prison. These may or may not include some form of sexual play. These "families" are often made up of a stud and femme who have a strong bond and close relationship along with a couple young, maybe 20-something, inmates who are like their children. They will act as mentors for these younger offenders and protect them from the dangers of prison. There will be no sexual relationship with these younger offenders, but as a "family," all will be expected to have each other's backs and to do favors for each other and help one another out. With the younger offenders that are more masculine in the "family," they may be called "boy" and a more feminine one "girl," this is part of the role playing. So hearing inmates refer to others as, "mom, dad, sister, brother, boy, girl, etc." don't do a funny face or assume mom or sister means blood. It may mean within the confines of the prison walls. A family of protection, affection, intimacy, survival, and friendship.

Third, even if all this scares the heck out of you, don't be afraid of a little affection. Just because a woman hugs you, holds your hand, or offers you some comfort, does not mean she wants to have sex with you or to make you her "prison wife." You will still need friendships and affection when you are in prison. And more often than not, these are women just like you, scared, loved ones at home, and just lonely.

Know whatever your boundaries are and don't cross those boundaries. "No," still means, "no." Whatever you decide to do, know that it is against the prison rules to engage in any sexual activity in prison (although as mentioned above, it occurs), so if your goal is to do your time and get out, following the rules and keeping a low profile will help. At the same time, do not be a snitch on others if you don't want to be on the wrong side of a fight or thrown in the SHU for your own protection.

As for me, I am currently in a place in my life where sex couldn't be further from my list of priorities. I do enjoy some affection and imagining choosing to go nearly a year without allowing anyone to ever even give me a friendship hug is a bit insane. I will not put boundaries on affection that is allowed in prison, but I choose to only engage in such behavior that will not risk my good time off. I have too much to come home to and too many people I can't wait to hug back home!!