From Dragonfy: Pomp and Circumstance

I have to admit my mistake from yesterday. It is not 150 graduating, it is 55 (well, there are more, but they do not want to participate in the ceremony and others have already left Carswell), so 55 will walk at today's graduation. Rehearsal yesterday was bitter sweet for me, and I did not expect that response...

The graduates were each fitted for cap and gown and then they had two photos taken. I worked the photo section. I helped put the gowns on and off them and make sure their tassle was on the correct side. One of the teachers kept telling me I was putting it on the wrong side, but I know what I'm doing. I did this job many times at my institution of higher education - where one of my responsibilities was helping the faculty and VIP's get into their caps and gowns. The realization that I am doing it in prison now, and not at my school was a bit overwhelming. Then, the graduates had to practice walking in and out. The music took me right to graduation ceremonies and I started to realize that I really may not receive my PhD. I may not walk the aisle this last time. Something I want to achieve so bad, and it may be taken away from me. I still can't believe I am in this position with my institution. I have been a good student and given back to the University in so many ways. Why would my past have such an impact on my educational goals?

The other day, one of my students came up to me after class and said, "I hope you get out of here soon and can go back to your life on the outside." I said, "thank you," and then asked why she said that to me. She said that she has high regard for me, that I am a skilled educator and that I am one of the first tutors to treat all my students with respect. She is a lady in her 50's and I was really amazed at the praise she gave me. It took me back to what I may face once I'm out of here, though. Will I have a school to go back to? Will I get to accomplish my goals? If, for some reason it is taken from me, what will I do?

This is, again, when I have to turn to my GA program and remember that I don't have to solve all my problems at once. In fact, while in prison, the only thing I can do is type up the letter I've written in response to the letter I received (using a typewriter!), and pray that my higher power has the best of wishes for me. I also received the "Day at a Time" book from G.A. yesterday, so now, daily, I can have just a moment of my recovery in my life. Thank you Survivor!!!

It looks like they are going to send South home sometime soon. She was called to her social worker's office and they are starting the process... could take 2 months, but I did tell her weeks ago that I believed she'll be home for the holidays. Danbury is also going to be released by December. I will be sad for my friends to go, but SO HAPPY that they are going home!!!! One day, it will be me.