Logging a Full Day at FMC Carswell

(Handwritten 9/9/13 - added to blog much later and backdated to correct date)

The following is 12 double-sided pages (24 pages) which start at 4:45 am and the last entry is at 10:45pm.

4:45am

Wake-up on own; stretch painful joints

4:55am

get out of bed to go to restroom. Bump into South on way out of room. She has a 4:50am laundry time & must wake early on Mondays in order to do her laundry for the week. Everyone seems to have at least one bad laundry time (Mine is 11:30pm on Wed.)

5:00am

Back from restroom where I see women who work in the kitchen already getting ready for the day. I give my booklight to South because she now needs to stay awake in order to move her laundry to dryer in 30 min & then take her clothes out of dryer later. Although there is no complete darkness here, it is still too dark to read where her bed is situated. I try to go back to sleep, but 2 roommate alarms go off several times over the next half hour. Instead, I stretch my muscles & joints while laying in bed. Officers do bed checks.

5:45am

One of my roommates starts speaking in her regular voice (ignoring that some are asleep) to another roommate. Lockers bang as some roommates start to prepare for the day.

5:53am

All the lights in the unit are turned on 7 minutes early by an inmate, pissing off one of my roommates who screams, "It's not even 6am yet."

6:00am

Chatter - people are using the restrooms, showers, and standing around in large open space downstairs. Constant noise seeps into room. People are waiting for door to be unlocked for breakfast - a walk to the main building & down to the chow hall. I usually do not go to breakfast and today I remain in bed (writing this). Loud announcement about male and female officers.

6:10am

Chatter stops indicating the offer unlocked the door. Now noise is bathrooms and roommates getting ready only. All roommates are awake, but not all are getting ready, yet. Almost all of us shower at night or during the day, so getting ready is a fairly quick change of clothes into our uniforms.

6:18am

South hands me my watch. On Sunday nights she borrows it so she can wake at 4:35am for her laundry use. She is done now. She & Danbury go through the laundry to find a couple items owned by Danbury (who does not have a laundry time yet). As people wake and leave the room, their beds are completely made - in case of inspection. We must wear shoes at all times when off our beds, so shower shoes (crocks or old flip flops) are usually worn in the room & within  the unit. Sneakers for leaving the unit. Carswell is the only institution I know of that does not require steel toed shoes - except for certain jobs.

My very young roommate uses the railings of the bed to dry and hang her stuff - her locker is overflowing, so I always find a towel, shirt, socks, and even her mirror hanging onto my bed or having fallen onto my bed by morning. She never apologizes. I have to pick my battles with her and her volatile reaction to everything keeps my mouth silent. Sometimes South throws the young one's stuff back on her bed for me. No one gives South a hard time because of her age and grey hair. Everyone but Danbury and I calls her "Grandma." For some it is a sign of respect, for others it is a sign that she is easily taken advantage of because of her age. But South is smart and doesn't do what she doesn't want to (although she's a bit too generous to people who want things without anything in return). I call her by her first name - because she is a friend and because I want to acknowledge her as an individual - not just one of the several women over 60 who live here (going to the chow hall you hear "grandma" frequently toward anyone a little older). 

6:30am

South is making her bed. She informs me that she will wash my blanket later in the week. Last night the young roommate was 'cooking' and using Mayo and "accidentally" sprayed it across the room. It landed all over the floor and also on South's top sheets and blanket. The young one was informed that she needed to wash the sheets/blanket - which must be a separate load than our clothes which take up the full washer. The young one did have laundry yesterday, but did her girlfriend's laundry, instead of South's bedding. Not cool. She never even talked to South about it. So South will need to beg for another laundry time or wait 4 days til her other laundry time, to get them done. I sleep with only my sheet on me these days, so I have South my blanket last night to use. I am fine with it. Although I am pissed that the little one got away with having no responsibility. As said earlier, we must choose our battles - this girl likes to fight! 

6:50am

South and I sit on our bunks and whisper. Danbury returns from ironing her uniform. She uses the trashcan upside down to sit since she has a top bunk. She says, "another fu**ing day down." Silently, South and I just not our heads. South informed me that I tossed and turned all night. I'm not surprised due to the stiffness & pain in my joints. Rocker, another roommate, falls asleep. She couldn't sleep all night, but falls asleep with all the background noise. South says Rocker has her nights & days  messed up. With no outside window, I can see how that could happen.

Danbury, South, and I sit quietly watching all the morning movement to/from the restroom through our big window and open door. South and Danbury drink coffee.  The little one enters, having ironed her girlfriend's clothing and tries to look cute as she goes to work her "extra duty" of 50 hours that she earned for being caught in her girlfriend's room last week. She has many 'friends' and is constantly being social. South tells me to just stay in bed all day. I have no call-outs today. She has one - getting her vitals checked for the 16th time since her arrival one month ago. One day, they checked her vitals three times. No one, not even the nurse checking them, knows why South gets a call out every other day for vitals. 

The  little one came to the room, took her soap so she could wash her girlfriend's mug and then gave it to her girlfriend. It sickens South and I because she is a slave to her much older girlfriend who does nothing in return.

 7:00am

Hust, another roommate, comes in speaking in her regular voice, waking Rocker. The little one comes in too. Hust made a deal with our room last night, she will clean everyday if we each give her something for the week - a ramen, ranch dressing, batteries, a hug, anything! To stop the tension around cleaning, we all agreed, except ID, who refuses to really clean or pretty much do anything for the room. For some reason, though, the Little One starts cleaning the room now. The light flicks on in our room, causing Rocker to officially wake. No one warns of turning on/off our room light - whether we are reading, sleeping, etc. Respect for the others does not exist. Every time South or I do it, we count "1-2-3" to warn others, but no such warning back.

7:05am

Danbury realizes that the officer trying to help her get a 'real' mattress is not on duty for a couple days. The need for 'real' mattresses, especially by those of us on medical, becomes a real issue that gets rather frustrating as our requests can be ignored, forgotten, or promises that never come through are given.

7:20am

The little one loves to wear headphones with her Mp3 player and sign out loud, even though she cannot hold a tune. I'm "needing" to leave this room. I'm grabbing my uniform, so I can go out.

7:40am

I am in my uniform, but can not leave the unit for an hour. Our current C.O. gave passes early, so I am late for this hour. I have to wait until 8:45am for a pass to email. I just finished the Jonathan Kellerman book I was reading, so I am without a book at the moment. This is one of the biggest differences between a camp and being here. Here we can't "move" until there is a 10-minute "open move" - in a camp there is an "open campus" for hours at a time. I look at the camp across the street and the women can take long walks and be out and about, except for formal "count" times.

7:45am

Rocker tells Danbury that the new federal law about past actions being forgiven will apply in her home state. I explain that state law and federal law are two separate systems and the state does not follow the federal criminal code. Rocker argues with me and I just give up. She does not realize I have a J.D. and know what I am talking about. She constantly says things that are untrue. South and I have already learned to double-check any information Rocker says to us. 85% of the time, Rocker is mistaken. It gets exhausting because she will argue her side forever, even when proven to be wrong. Here, my knowledge is not honored by most. I've just kept my mouth closed mostly, but I like Danbury and I don't want her believing something that is untrue. Conversation ended when Danbury had to leave for a "call-out" to the labs.

When Rocker leaves to go watch a movie in the chapel, South and I get an opportunity to have the room to ourselves. We are both drained by this time in the morning. The drama, conversations, and constant noise (as well as well as the overhead lights) are all mentally draining. At least once a day we look at each other and can't believe we are here. 

8:05am

Rocker comes back in the room. She couldn't get a pass. I finally look at how she dressed this morning - she's wearing one of the uniform "dresses" - which look more basic and uglier than an amish dress. It is like overalls on top with no style as it goes almost down to the ankles - straight down except for a large pocket on each side. At the bottom, inmates must wear socks & gym shoes or their boots. A t-shirt is worn under.

I drew a picture - I think you get the idea. It is not flattering on anyone!!! I do not have one. 

Rocker is talking about how many "partners" her kids have children with. Most out of marriage. She has six grandkids. Most of her family is currently also in prison as part of the same offense. A random woman walks in and asks for a dust pan. We don't have one. All of us have to search for cleaning supplies when we need them.

8:45am

Wake from a nap. Going to get a pass and go to email. Can't believe I slept with so much noise. Hust and the little one are in the room. Spanish music is playing out of headphones loud enough for the whole room.

9:00am

Arrive in email room. I like mornings because there is no line.

9:44am

Finish email. I had one message and sent out about seven. I also printed five mailing labels. No open movement yet, so I stand near the doors leading out of the building.

9:55am

Arrive back at my unit after passing South on walk back. She's heading to get her vitals checked. I walk in 1 South and pass a woman who flirts every time she sees me. I say, "hi," and keep walking, showing no interest. She must be on something, because she is always smiling and says she's "wonderful." Walk to the line to return passes and "thank" the C.O. I do not hear a lot of "thank you's" around here. Then I walk past the phones (all used plus line) and past the 10 tables set up in the atrium between four silent tv's where women sit listening to the television of their choice with their radios and headphones and work on crafts. Freckles is there and sometimes I'll talk with her, but I choose to turn and go up the 24 metal stairs to the second floor.

Only Danbury is in our room. She is reading but decides to take a nap. I like quiet moments in the room like this - except for the constant mumble of sound from elsewhere on the unit. Someone will also scream, drop something, yell names from downstairs to upstairs non-stop. It becomes like white noise in here. I've napped through it all.

10:00am

I always lock my locker when I'm gone. I have finally memorized all my #'s - locker, email, phone, registration, and even South's locker (I help her open it). I open my locker and pull out my water bottle. I always have ice and/or water in it. It says my name, as Hurst had a paint marker and put it on it.

10:05am

Hurst comes into the room. She has made up her bed with a bed set crocheted for her - with her name and it goes with the Dallas Cowboys theme. It looks nice. Nearly everyone with much time here gets a bed-set - either they make it or they hire someone to do one. I don't know how to crochet. Hust just promised me the cotton blanket she was using. It is softer than our given blankets and looks like one I use at home from my mother. She hasn't given me the blanket yet. 

Hust gets her stuff ready for a shower - we all grab showers when we can. There are about eight working stalls each upstairs and downstairs - for the 260 or so of us. The showers are not too bad and we have real doors on them (not curtains) and most the doors lock. Hust asks if I will be here so she does not have to lock her locker. People steal if they think they can get away with it. Since South, Danbury or I are usually here (at least one of us), our room is pretty secure. I have about 2-2 ½ hours until lunch now. In 15 minutes there will be “inmate recall” where almost everyone needs to return to their unit. We then just wait until our time to be called for lunch. Our cleaning got us 7^th out of 8 for this week, so we wait longer than 6 other units.

 10:15am

I lay down and just “think.” I also do leg exercises. I am now in my uniform pants with t-t-shirt untucked. As soon as anyone spends time in the unit, we take off our button down shirt, hang it, and untuck our t-shirt. Some go into their shorts or sweats. But I’m planning on lunch, so I just do the top shirt.

10:25am

Hust is back from her shower and dresses into her uniform. She is neat as she gets ready – laundry into her laundry bag (kept under the bunk bed), towel rehung, etc. We don’t ever leave the room with a mess. Well, sometimes little one and ID does, but the rest of us don’t.

10:30am

Inmate Recall. The noise in the unit increases 3-fold as everyone comes in. Danbury’s nap is about to end due to the noise.

10:35am

ID and Rocker enter the room. ID shuts off the lights as she enters, even though the bus stop lights are supposed to be on all day – she cares about nothing and nobody. Makes no difference that I am writing. She and Rocker start talking in regular voices even though Danbury is asleep.

10:40am

Hust comes in and turns on the light. ID is pissed, but she does not fight with Hust. No one does. If anyone else turns on the light, ID throws a fit! I thank Hust for turning the light on. She says nothing in return.

10:45am

Rocker and Hust start fighting verbally in Spanish. Only thing I understand is when they use each other’s names in English, Hust says that Rocker should help cook their lunch. She asks Rocker to reserve the microwave and help out instead of going to the Chapel to watch movies. Little quips like this happen all day long.

ID is pissed that Hust walked out but left the light on. She is passive-aggressive and says, “I’m tired as shit and I want to go to bed.” But, she is sitting on her bed reading. When she lays back, she continues to complain about the light – although I am writing and Hust is coming in and out singing to herself. Yesterday, Hust complained about tension in the room. I can say three of us are just observers to it all. ID walked out of the room, told Hust she wants the lights off.

10:50am

ID walks back in the room and turns the lights off yet again. Three of us are up doing things, but she wants to sleep. I am very tempted to turn the lights on. But I don’t. These women are not afraid of using their fists, lying, and setting up others to get in trouble to get their way.

10:52am

Rocker turns her headphones up loud enough that everyone can hear Spanish music. The noise outside my room & screaming of names is constant. South comes in. I tell her why the lights are off. She tells me that if this keeps up, she is going to ask to be moved. “Me too.” Although I already requested, but there are no beds. I wish I could record the amount of noise going on right now.

Still 1 ½ hours til lunch and we are all stuck here. I’m heading to the bathroom (must bring my own toilet paper).

11:00am

I give what I’ve written so far to South to read. She agrees I’ve caught the essence of being here. Hust screams, “Why are you whispering?” I whisper that people are sleeping. She says loudly that no one let her sleep yesterday. Then she asks South why she’s reading in the dark and gets off her bunk and turns the lights back on and walks out of the room.

At that, Danbury gets up and is shocked she slept for an hour. So am I, given the constant drama & lights on/off for the last hour!

11:10am

Insulin and short line are called to lunch. They are always first and we go about 45 minutes to an hour later. We are told it’s going to be chicken wraps, so we look forward to lunch today. I’m hungry as I haven’t eaten anything yet. I’m out of any commissary breakfast food.

11:15am

ID wakes and is pissed that the lights are once again on. South is making herself instant coffee. Hust walks back in. ID keeps making faces and is bitching quietly to herself. South and I just look at each other and shake our heads and understand one another perfectly. 

Everyone is up now except ID and Rocker. Tocker is still listening to her music and rocking herself to sleep. She always “rocks” – also her hand is always down her pants – this is not a ‘hidden’ action. South and I can’t figure why she has her hand down her pants or why she rocks, but there you go – that’s what she does. ID continues to bitch about the lights. No one responds.

South informs me that there is a “story” around Hust and the new bedding. I’ll learn it when we head out to lunch. Danbury carries our condiments bag to me and asks if we need it for lunch. We three (South, Danbury, and I) share condiments purchased from commissary. I say, “yes” as the chili garlic sauce or mayo may be good.

11:25am

ID finally sits up. She needs to go to somewhere to fix her email. Danbury tells us that they took 8 vials of blood this morning from her – no one is close to the 26 vials they took from me. She can’t figure out why they didn’t take her cumadin levels – the reason she’s here – typical. South isn’t being treated for Lupus or COPD and I’m not getting my most important medication. Chi can’t get her cast off, even though her arm cast should have been removed last week. Oh well. As always, South and I are just grateful to have someone here that understands.

11:30am

ID’s friend walks in the room (we are not allowed in anyone else’s room) and she talks to ID. Now ID talks loud even though Hust and Rocker are sleeping. Hust is called to switch her clothes from washer to dryer. With such limited time, we constantly hear that someone needs to do something with their laundry. ID finally leaves the room.

Hust sees our condiments in the sad plastic bag we are holding them in. She says she will find us a bag that closes. I’ll believe it when I see it. Danbury starts talking to Hust about the fact that she can’t get a laundry time. She keeps being told there are no open times. Unacceptable – she’s been here a week & has no laundry time. Not cool. Hust then asks if the little one has done South’s laundry yet. Nope. Totally irresponsible.

Danbury, South, & I talk. Danbury talks about how our “asses” get no “air” time and get pimples. Ha!

12:00 noon

I decide to get away from the room’s tension and South and I head downstairs to wait for our “chow” call. Danbury joins us and we join up with Freckles. Freckles and I talk books and James Patterson. We enjoy sharing novels. She is currently reading the Jodi Piccult novel I finished a couple days ago. She wants my recent Patterson book next. Next we talked about how we go about getting medical clearance. We know we need to see a nurse on the 18^th, so Freckles, South, and I are planning on going together. It’s called a 413 – but I’m not sure what “413” exactly stands for. Medical redesignation is “409.” Oh well, we then talk Piper Kerman and the book, “Orange is the new Black.” I’m the only among us who has seen the movie on Netflix and read the book – others read the book. Danbury explains that the women she knows that were serving with with Piper call her a “brat” – as she got a lot of mail and visitors. This reminded me how Hust called me a “brat” a couple days ago. All I was doing at the time was quietly reading in my bed. She didn’t say “why” she called me it at the time, but since I just heard that was said about Piper Kerman and thought, “I guess that’s me.” I get a lot of mail and am expecting Sporty to visit next weekend. I think there is a big difference from someone who is here for violent acts and those of us here for medical designation only. We may have more outside support – although had I been incarcerated 5 years ago, I would have no one. So, I had the benefit of time too.

Finally, we all talked about self-surrender as we got “called” finally to the Chow Hall. Danbury could not believe that South and I were never officially arrested – we showed up everywhere on our own via letters and our attorney requests. She’d never heard of that – she’s been incarcerated several times and never heard anyone say the same. Odd. She almost seemed upset.

12:25pm

Finally, we are called to lunch. The mad rush of 200+ people exiting one door when the C.O. unlocked it. I’m slow, so I am usually toward the rear. For a big change, the line inside the main building for the “chow hall” was short and quick to get inside. They did have chicken wraps, but they also had cheese wraps and I’ve been craving real cheese. There was also potato salad, cream of mushroom soup, and green beans. We made everything tastier with our salt, pepper, sazon, and/or garlic chili sauce. I only fully ate the wrap.

12:55pm

We are back at our unit. South and I want to go to the law library, but we are reminded to get passes first. Good thing, because there was an official closed campus count later and we would have gotten “shots” if we didn’t have one.

1:00pm

Sign in to law library terminal and look up whatever I can find on security and medical designations. South and I look through several policy documents online. I want to find some information for Danbury, based on her state criminal charges and the state code, but only federal information is available here. We are ready to leave when all areas are locked down for the closed census count. Many people received “shots” for being where they shouldn’t be and most of them receive “extra duty” as punishment (extra work). So, South and I just keep looking at policies and decide we should both be “minimum-out” and we are designated here for purely medical reasons.

2:30pm

We are officially allowed to leave the law library and we walk back to our unit – turning in our passes as we arrive. Surprisingly, no one is in the room and we get a little less crazy for a bit.

2:45pm

ID comes in, talks to South, ignores me, says she was lucky to not get a “shot” because she was not yet at work. Then leaves.

3:00pm

Rocker enters. She’s decided to officially have 8:30-10:30am for “her” time – so no one should ask her for help during that time. It’s time for me to lay down (lights on) for a while. Fatigue is a daily reality for me. I hand South and Rocker a piece of licorice.

3:10pm

Rocker mentions that she doesn’t have her GED or high school completion. I hear her say that people have told her that she’s too slow. I told her that I will personally work with her if she gets in a class. She wants the help, but she doesn’t want to join a class. I’ll see what she decides for herself. She is smart enough, she just needs some guidance. Prisons aren’t set up for special needs.

3:20pm

The little one enters with her headphones on singing out loud once again. She sits on South’s bed without asking permission and changes her clothing. She changes at least 3 times everyday - other than her pj’s. She looks in the mirror about 100x/day. She makes new messes all through the day. She leaves and I close my eyes again.

3:30pm

Inmate recall. All inmates must return to their housing unit.

 3:41pm

Awake again. The light had gone off and on again. Danbury passes out cookies. She gives me a nutty buddy bar. We all are supposed to stay in our room now, unless we are doing extra duty. A youngish woman looked in our room and asked who is smart. Hust pointed at me. The woman needs basic geometry help in order to take her GED test. I said, “yes,” so tonight I will help a stranger. I have nothing better to do. As I write this, my pillow is losing feathers. I can’t believe it is taking this long to replace my pillow to one I’m not allergic to…

Danbury is talking about ignoring her health care concerns. No one feels right about getting medical needs done here.

 3:56pm

Mail Call. My favorite part of weekdays. I received eight items today. My favorite was a package of Martin Luther King Jr. memories and [college] items from Cache. Last week she sent me the “Wicked” script and information about Doctor Who’s Tardis. She knows me well! I had to do a double flight of stairs five times during mail call today. Sometimes I receive multiple letters at a time, but I have to come back up to my room until name is called again. It's a work-out!

4:30pm

Standing count. I was not yet done reading my mail, but standing count is official and since I am living in the bus stop, I have to put on shoes and stand in the hallway until count is complete. One the 15 people in the bus stops have to stand outside their room. Everyone else stands inside their rooms. 

The two officers start by counting separately the women downstairs. If they agree on the count, they then count all of us upstairs. If they disagree on the count on either floor, they recount the floor. We stand the entire time in silence until our primary officers starts to go back downstairs and yells every time, "stay in your rooms!" We must all stay in our room until count is cleared. I went right back to my mail.

5:00pm 

I just finished with reading today’s mail. Only one of my other roommates, South, received mail. I guess this makes me a “brat.” I share the funny card sayings with everyone to get them to smile/laugh. We are finally released from our rooms. A long line of people sign a tablet of paper for the microwave order. They are making their dinner, rather than going to Chow. I’m doing Chow tonight, BBQ pork. South is reading the MLK speech/writing. I doubt anyone else in my room would care. I received notice that the medical records received my request for a copy of my labs, 26 vials of blood tests. It says I’m on a waiting list and will now receive a “call-out” in 60-90 days. If something is emergent, I guess I’ll know in 2-3 months.

5:10pm 

South, Danbury, the little one and I are in our room. The little one is trying to get her girlfriend’s attention across the upper floor. Danbury is attempting another nap, but seems uncomfortable and moaning. South is still reading amazing MLK words. I guess last week/this week is the 50^th Anniversary of the 1963 March on Washington. Wow! 

Rocker strolls back in. She has a lot on her mind. Her sister is very ill, her husband gave away all her possessions and lost her house to foreclosure, and her mom and son are also incarcerated. She should get out of here in about 1 month. She successfully got off medical hold. She was on disability before she was incarcerated. She works here on cleaning crew in the main building. When released, her plan is to go back on disability There have been no resources for her to figure out how to work in the future, especially if she does not get her G.E.D.

5:18pm 

Time to start getting ready for dinner. Uniforms are not required after 4pm, but I need to get our condiments together and put on my sneakers.

5:35pm 

South and I are told by the C.O. that we can’t stand where we are as we wait to go to dinner. We have no idea why not, but we move even though others are next to us.

5:40pm 

Chow time. We walk over to the Chow Hall and wait in line. Tonight’s fare is BBQ chicken or pork (I had chicken), sweet potato, corn and salad. It was pretty good. Chi sat with us for dinner. She is originally from China, so I asked her about her education in China and why she came to the U.S. for her Masters. It was a nice conversation. (Chi attended a top-school in the U.S. and then was hired for a great tech company. She is now here on espionage charges she swears she did not do.) 

6:15pm 

We are back from dinner and the woman’s math GED stuff was sitting on my bed. I went over her worksheets and made some practice sheets. Her exam is Thursday. South and I go through what to get from commissary this week. We share and eat together.

7:05pm 

I’m off to tutor GED math J

8:50pm 

Just finished tutoring Fly. She tried hard and I had fun teaching again. Fly was so excited to start understanding math. I gave her homework to write her own multiplication table and geometry problems. I can’t promise she will be ready to take the exam in 3 days, but she will be closer. She ran off and told another tutor about how I helped her. I have been offered tutoring positions now with the other teachers! I said, “the first teacher to officially hire me, I’m there.”

9:04pm 

Hust gets out her toothpaste and Danbury asks what kind of toothpaste she has. I say, “didn’t you get one in your entrance package?” Danbury responded to me. Hust turned and told me that I am not to burst into her conversations. I didn’t realize it was a private conversation being spoken loudly among the roommates. My new lesson, just stop talking when Hust is talking. Danbury seems to be trying to get close to Hust. Cool for them. Other people’s opinions of me are none of my business. I’m so glad this day is almost done. 

Hust tells me that I will soon hate being a tutor and that I will be annoyed working with inmates that just don’t “get it.” I informed her that she is mistaken, because this is what I love. I can be patient and work with one individual at a time. I’m happy just helping! Everyone in the room is trying to figure out commissary because it is closed next week. 

Another ‘disagreement.’ Everyone is talking over each other, but I am totally staying out of the conversation. I really wish I were not looking at another 4 months or 8 ½ months of this. Pray I get off medical hold. 

We all have to be in our rooms again, we are getting ready for 9:30pm count and many people are doing their extra duty. South is reading the day notes up to now. Danbury and Hust are talking Catholicism and religion and God. The little one is doing extra duty. ID and Rocker are talking. Hust insists that our counselor is going to move us all. They’ve been saying that since the day I started. It may happen, but I trust no one’s opinion anymore. I only know today, and today we are all in this room. Period.

9:30pm 

Everyone is talking about halfway house. Hust broke into my conversation with Danbury. I guess there is a double standard. South is still reading, ha! I think I wrote too much today. The little one is sleeping on her bunk through all the talk. Her girlfriend must’ve worked her crazy today. Rocker is eating peanut butter on an apple. Danbury and ID are talking about previous halfway house stories. I have certainly entered a world different from any I’ve been in before. Hust just asked Danbury for bread. I gave her mine. Kill them with kindness, right? Hust is making a pb&j sandwich. Our C.O. just walked by. He must be doing count at an attached unit before doing ours.

9:40pm 

Standing Count. Back out to hallway to stand for count. They didn’t agree on count on the top level, so we had to stand through a second count. Many inmates seemed to enjoy ‘looking’ at the new C.O. and his butt. Hmmm.

9:57pm 

Back in room. South is eating an orange. Others are talking about our right to vote and trying to get on disability. Nearly the end of the day, South’s blankets are still unlaundered. My roommates are trying to figure out how to take advantage of government funds upon release. All I can say (and I said nothing), but there has to be small print to what they are saying. I will go to religious services and speak to reentry services, though. I wish I could just ‘google’ or research on my own.

10:07pm 

I’m so glad lights out is soon. The drama and everything is just exhausting. The phones are full; I wish I could ask Survivor about how her mother-in-law is doing (she is ill from what I heard). Extra duty cleaning happening again today. The little one says she is “starving,” but then, that she’s going to bed. Then she looks in her locker, then back to her bed. Kind of like staring in a fridge and nothing looks good. ID can’t stop talking-non-stop chatter. South and I are yawning. ID-chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, … The C.O. just came in and told ED and Rocker that they are too loud and need to stay in the room. ID is telling him off (even though he’s not here anymore). Always drama.

10:15pm 

Danbury is reading a really cool book that gives prayers for all prison experiences. She is reading about “saints” for prisoners. Of course I don’t know that stuff. They just asked if I believe in Saints and Angels and Jesus. I said, “no.” I explained that in Judaism, we pray to just one higher power. Hust just said that she sees no one truly faithful in this place. I’m not sure anyone should judge another’s faith or how they understand their faith and practice their faith. A religious conversation continues. I am silent. They are talking confession.

10:25pm 

Listening to religious conversation is exhausting. I wish I could talk recovery all day. ID is still non-stop talking. Rocker is pretty quiet as well. So much judgement around what is “right” around religion. As they are being judgmental, they are talking about how horrible it is to judge another’s way to practice Christianity, I’ve never heard Jesus so much. ID is planning her unlawful ways after she’s out of here and getting on government sustenance, and here she is saying what a good Christian is. I think everyone needs religion and belief in a way that works for them and their serenity.

10:33pm 

Why aren’t the lights out? Please someone announce “lights out.” Please someone Announce “lights out.” I want to read by my book light and go to sleep. Shhhhh.

There is so much homophobia among my roommates. ID calls C.O.’s faggots and Rocker says the C.O.’s are becoming “fruitier and fruitier.” They constantly make homophobic comments. I can’t believe I have to stay quiet on something.

10:37pm 

“Lights out” by the C.O. 

I can barely walk (I’m so stiff) as I turned off the room light. I turned on my book light and I’m about to start reading Kill the Messenger by Tami Hoag. But my roommates are still talking. Rocker is giving legal advice to Danbury again. She has no idea about the law. I’m done commenting, just listening. Now, they are talking drug conspiracy charges.

10:45pm 

Still talking. The little one is sleeping through everything. Lights out does not mean it is dark. There are always lights on in the unit and they shine into our door and window, not bright, but at least dim light 24 hours/day. I set my watch alarm for 5:50am, to ensure I was up, clothed, and fed by work at 7:30am tomorrow. People are still out of their rooms watching television in the open atrium. There is never silence. South and Danbury are commenting on how one of the roommates has a B.O. issue. Danbury starts spraying her air freshener around the bed of that individual. Next, they talk coffee for like 10 minutes. Then the room erupts in a conversation about commissary, relatives giving money, and the need for funds. 

Literally, the last thing said was by Danbury, who said that her dad was gambling at Foxwoods and he should send her $ if he won. Exactly the last think I needed to hear!