From Dragonfly: Changes

I just wrote an email to a good friend. I wish I could call it back, but I can't - once it's sent through Trulincs, it is out of my control. While the way I ended the email was honest, I feel bad for being so negative. This is what I wrote:

"Health wise, I am declining. Mentally, I am declining. Spiritually, I am strong. Emotionally, I am numb."

Why did I write that? I think it goes to how people change in difficult vs. positive times.

In the GA program (as well as other recovery programs), we often tell people that they've changed (for the better). We say that it's not the person who will see the changes in themselves so much, over time, but rather their family, their friends, and the people in the recovery rooms. Change happens too slow for us to always see it in ourselves. Recovery helped me find my voice. It helped me deal with how passive I was and how much I blamed myself for everyone's issues. It helped me become less co-dependent or have a self-esteem based on what OTHERS thought of me, rather than myself. When I was able to tell someone that what they were saying about me was not true, I was shocked that I was able to stand up for myself. GA and recovery helped me do that. I've changed a lot since walking into my first GA meeting (the changes are about the person much more than the stopping of the addiction). If we change, we are much less likely to relapse or even want to do something so unhealthy (addictive behavior) again.

So, I think, I walked into prison much stronger than I would have 5 years ago. I am not "hard," but I am not as "soft" as I used to be.

However, just like in recovery, those around us can see the changes in our behavior, attitude, personality, etc before we realize we've changed. Last night, Danbury told me that I am not the same person she met here a couple months ago. She and South say that I've been "down" and rather "bitchy." I know that behavior is not intentional. Danbury thought I no longer wanted her as a friend because of my attitude.

When I look at my attitude as of late, I know that I am 100% more tired than I was when I walked in 3 months ago, even though I am always tired. My legs hurt. Bad. My walk has slowed considerably, and I've never been a fast walker (especially since getting sick). I keep to myself more. I suppose I've humbled myself to this experience. If anyone ever needs a lesson in humility, just spend one week in prison!

I didn't realize that these changes have come off on my relationships with other people here. I know they've affected my relationships with the people I care about back at home. At first, I wrote letters every day. I called someone most days. I wrote individual emails to different people. Now, there can be long breaks without letters, calls or emails. Why? It is impossible to "fake" it in order to act like everything's okay. It's also unfair to put the stress of my current circumstances on anyone but myself. I must admit, not only have my letters trickled, but the letters I receive have trickled down as well. As you know, at first, I was receiving a lot of mail. Now, I may get 3-5 letters/cards per week. A couple people have been consistent in writing, and I appreciate it sooooooo much. Others, have not. I don't blame them at all. They have their lives and things to do that is much more important than writing me. Plus, since I have not been a good friend back, I cannot have any reason to expect them to be a better friend than I am being.

I do not like the way I am "changing" at this time. I'm not sure if it happens to everyone, or just some people. For me, I'm still far stronger a person than I was 5 years ago. I am just becoming "harder." I am drained emotionally, physically, and mentally. I see scary things every day. I hear frightening stories every day. I sit next to murderers every day. I witness medical neglect every day. I fear doctors and their actions. The only place I feel safe is my twin bed. Even there, I hear fighting. I hear crying. I hear people gasping for breaths. I hear C.O.'s screaming. I hear constant noise.

I suppose it's inevitable that such experiences will change a person. I pray that my current changes are just temporary. I know that I am just becoming a product of prison life. I move slowly through each day, wearing the same khaki as every other inmate, go to my job, eat three meals, and pray that I get a good night's sleep.

So, I suppose what I wrote to my friend is as true as it gets. I just wish it weren't so.