From Dragonfly: Quiet Please

They are yellow, small, oblong, and soft. If pinched in just the right way, they fit comfortably in and do their job 85% of the time. I'm talking about ear plugs. They are a necessity in prison. I've written about all the noise, so when I want to read, sleep, or just relax, the yellow scrunchy plugs are put into my ears and the noise lessens. The noise in my head is harder to deal with.

I'm not talking about voices or anything mental health wise - I'm talking about thinking - nonstop chatter of thoughts that come to me when I am finally settled down for the day. They are the questions of anxiety... When will I get out of here? Where will I work? Will my appeal be successful? What will I do to pay off my restitution and student loans? Will I ever be out of debt? Should I start a business? Will my health allow me to work full-time? Can I keep teaching at the college level? Should I write a book? What's for dinner? Did I forget anyone on my holiday card list? Are my parents okay? Will I ever see my grandma again and have her know who I am? Can I open my locker without having it bang against the bed post pissing off my roommate? Why does my heel hurt? How is it possible that I am losing weight? Why do I have a call-out to take an education test today when I am an education employee? How can I keep my hair looking this good? Do I need another pair of sweat pants or another sweatshirt? Can I face the people in the laundry room tonight? Do I have a good book to read? How is T.S. doing studying for her first college finals? Why haven't I heard from _______? Will my not being a student at my college anymore distant the amazing friendships I have built? Am I fighting a losing battle? When will I get to be in another official GA meeting? Who stole my chapstick? Will I get my crochet project done in time to mail out for the holiday? How should I celebrate Hanukkah? Why hasn't my home been approved by probation yet for home confinement? When will I finally see a rheumatologist here? Who might visit and when? Can I transfer to a camp?
Okay, you get the idea. These are the questions that keep me up at times. So many unknowns.
Prison is all about unknowns. Life is no longer under your control. Not that it ever was --- but with freedom, you have the false belief that you are in control.

Sometimes, I work hard to quiet the noise in my head. I meditate, read, write, or finally fall asleep. It works, I'm exhausted a lot. But, when I wake in the middle of the night - 3am today - I can't fall back asleep. The questions and thoughts fill my head and sleep is far from possible. This morning, I came up with a million reasons I might have the education test call-out -- my guess is that my high school never verified my graduation and I'm getting a GED placement test. I won't have to take my own GED classes, cause if I have to, my mom can go to my former high school and get a copy of my transcript. It's just how crazy things are here. I may be in a PhD program, but if my high school does not verify my graduation, I would have to be in GED courses. I have two students - one who is a college graduate from Germany and another who has a high school degree from California - who could not get verification. They are both over 50 years old and are stuck in GED classes because they forgot their math. It's a federal government mandate that every inmate prove their high school graduation or take GED courses.

Well, off to test...