From Dragonfly: What a Difference a Year Makes

One year ago, I was taking my final exams, preparing for my comprehensive exams, traveling to my hometown to spend time with family and friends, and trying to deal with my new health issues. I was not driving. I was testing my oxygen levels all the time. I was waiting to find out when the legal case against me would move forward. It would not be until late February that I would be officially indicted and March when I was arraigned. One year ago, I had no idea that I would be spending my holidays in prison. I also had no idea what prison would be like. I wrongly thought it was "behind bars" and that I would be in a typical cell seen on television. I had never met a cold-blooded killer or a person accused of insidious sex crimes. I'd never met a bank robber or someone that had illegally sold guns internationally. One year ago, I lived by myself, creating a welcoming space for Cache who would soon move in for a couple months as she sought her own housing. I had a holiday party that included hot chocolate with ALL the fixings. One year ago, the most important news I'd received was that I was accepted for the professional experience in South Africa. I prayed that my health would not keep me from going. One year ago, I was seeing at least two doctors per week - getting new diagnoses almost weekly - and trying to accept that my physical life would never be the same again. One year ago, T.S. visited me for a long break and we spent many special days together. One year ago, T.S.'s applications to various colleges were being considered and we were waiting on pins and needles for results. One year ago, I would sit on my computer for hours every day and do research, hang out on Facebook, and email directly to friends. One year ago, I wrote a conference proposal, interviewed several people for research, and worked closely with Traveler as we had many projects together. One year ago, I was an upstanding member of my academic department and my Adviser had my back and I was earning scholarships and fellowships.

None of these changes matter, though, because we cannot live in the past. I am where I am, today, and one year from now, my life will be 100% different than it is today. That is true for me, but for many people around me, they will still be in Carswell, doing the same thing every day, and not even remembering what life is like on the outside. For some of them, I'm glad they are not part of the general population. They did terrible acts and/or are scary people. Others, though, are not, and yet they are sentenced to an incredibly long time away.

Every meal at Chow, more people than not, put their heads down and pray before they eat. I wonder if they prayed before they came to prison. I wonder if they pray for freedom or just for their gratitude to have food on their tray. Prison, it seems, brings people closer to their spirituality and religion. Some change religions. Some learn about different forms of spirituality.

Things change when we go to prison. It's inevitable. Many of my friends are taking their finals this week (mostly just writing papers). They are preparing for their last academic class, where they will work on their dissertation proposal, having already passed comps last year. Their lives are moving forward, yet are very similar to a year ago. A couple of my friends have new babies in their lives and are loving watching them develop into little people. My father is still recovering from his stroke. My mother has a new job. Sporty and T.S. are living in a new city and state. Many people could look back a year and say that their life is very different from before.

We must believe that it is all for a purpose, that we are not in control, and that we will be somewhere else again soon. If we let go, we move forward. I don't know exactly what my life will consist of in one year, but I do know, it will be entirely different from what it is right now.