Getting Past Our Anger

When I was first accused of embezzlement at my former employer's business I was angry. The stories that were being told about me were not the truth. Since I was never "asked questions," the people in my life put together their own realities of what they believe must have been true. In most cases, their stories do not even come close to the truth. Lawyers told me that I should not go public with my story as the proper advice to any potential criminal defendant is to stay silent, so I did. My truth never fully being able to be told.

A couple weeks ago, at my sentencing, I listened to some of my former mentors and friends speak their "personal truths" to the judge. I realized at that moment that these made up stories are the stories they must tell themselves to protect themselves. For them, it just would not make sense a woman they loved and trusted to do something this bad. If I had such a bad addiction, wouldn't they know it? But they did, they just didn't know what the signs were. Most people don't. So, in reality, these made up false stories are just as real to the people we hurt or to the court as the truth is for us. There is no way to prove absolute truth when witnesses are involved. 

Anyway, earlier today, a woman reached out to me and seemed angry about the prison time she is looking at and was telling me about her crime and the reasons for it. This was my response:

"As for the crime and punishment, I am going to propose something that may be nearly impossible to do. Acceptance. A while ago I had to realize that in order for me to move forward with my life, I had to let go of the fact that no one would ever believe or fully understand my Truth versus the story the prosecutor was telling. I was found guilty of 30% truth and 70% made up stories that people thought were true. But since 30% was true, it really didn't matter that the rest was false. For me, I needed money and I had my employers debit card - enough said. It really does not matter why I thought it was legitimate to withdraw the money because the act itself was illegal. If you can come to acceptance about your "act" being illegal regardless of the reasons behind why you did it, the peace will help you get through this. Carrying the anger can't be helping you as you face something as scary as we are."

Sometimes, I am able to see the growth my recovery program has given me. Acceptance is certainly one of them.

Legal documents can actually be good...

I know, by now the site of anything legal is scary. We have had to read our indictments, victim impact statements, sentencing recommendations, court motions, even our support letters that likely made us all weep are not easy to read. But we cannot hide from all aspects of the law. Right now, although I am not licensed to practice law in any state in the U.S. (and likely never will be again), any person with a legal background will encourage you to do the following. 

I must admit my own personal failures in this regard... each of the things I am going to encourage I have drafted dozens of times for others, yet I have failed to do so for myself. I promise here, though, within the next couple weeks, I will complete the forms that are relevant to me. We all must. While we are inside, life on the outside continues, and we must ensure we are protecting ourselves and those we love.

Legal documents to write/update:

-will (even if you are not going in for a long time or have no heirs, if you want any item going to someone special, it must be written or else probate court must follow probate laws)

- power of attorney for healthcare: who do you trust making healthcare decisions for you. Draft the form (usually a free form available at any health agency or online) and give a copy to listed individuals.

- power of attorney for finances - you can choose how much or how little the poa can do, but someone must be able to call, pay, deposit, file taxes, sell assets, negotiate, etc on your behalf and they must have a notarized copy of the form.

- child guardianship (if you have children, even if they have a second parent, consider drafting papers giving another party the power to make healthcare decisions, pick the children up from school, etc in order to help. Do not leave children with anyone, even grandparents without guardianship papers)

- bankruptcy/consumer credit counseling okay, let's hope you have a way to ensure you will be able to maintain your bill payments while away. If you can't, don't leave all the financial stress to your spouse after you are gone.

- divorce/legal separation- I hope you will not need this. Any partnership should have a real discussion about what their expectations are and try to work things through prior to going away.

I hope this list is a good start. There are certainly others depending on your marital status, level of wealth, etc. You may want to look into a trust or insurance. Just do not forget to explore all your non criminal legal resources. You will be glad you did. I will too... I just need to write them!!

Finding Community

When I walked into the gambler's anonymous program in June, 2008, I could not imagine I would have anything in common with anyone in the rooms. They all appeared to be older than me, mostly male, and I couldn't imagine they did damage to their lives even close to what I had done to mine. I couldn't have been more wrong. If we let ourselves get to know others, we realize that we all have far more in common than our differences.

The same is true for the prison community. I am not there yet, but I have met people in GA who have spent time in prison because a gambling addiction (like drugs and alcohol) often brings us to the desperation of crime (something we would never do if we were not in the throes of addiction). These people are my friends and some of the people I admire most in my GA program. They are doing well today, prison did not break them, they are able to move forward, work, have love in their lives, and stand tall (well the last part will be difficult for me at just 5' tall).

I recently decided to start joining the prison community in advance of my self-surrender. It is a place to ask questions, gain support, and not feel so alone on this path. Don't think of yourself as different or unique than everyone else in prison. They all just committed a crime or at least were found guilty of one, and are doing their time, and want to stand tall on the outside one day. Introduce yourself (whether a person going in or a supporter of someone going in) at www.prisontalk.com.

Bills

My income is limited. I do not have a large savings. I am not Martha Stewart. I have no financial advisor who will "manage" my butt loads of money while I am in prison. I live on a budget. Sometimes I use credit cards. When the semester starts and I receive my funding, my card balances are low, as the year moves on, they get higher. I pay my bills on time. I get approved for my vehicle lease. My credit is not perfect (14 years of damage done from compulsive gambling) but it has slowly improved and one day I may have even been approved for a home. Not anymore, with my restitution, but that's okay.

What really bothers me is that I look at my monthly budget, my bills, what I can save before I leave in as little as 6-8 weeks, and I do not know how I will be able to cover everything without any real income for 10 months. Inmates with spouses or who are wealthy perhaps have options, but those like me (and likely you) do not have many. I am trying to avoid the need for bankruptcy and I know that I must be proactive before going inside if I have any chance to avoid it. Reading online, most sites say that we need to make sure we have someone paying our bills- but that assumes $$ exists. Other sites say that anyone low income that goes in for 4-6 months or longer will inevitably have a bankruptcy. I'd like to prove that wrong.

Another odd factor is that the judge actually put on my judgement that I am required to have credit counseling (because she is freaked out by my educational loans that she didn't understand). That rule, however, does not come into place until my supervision starts after incarceration.

So, today after paying all my bills for the month, I decided to break down each of them into categories. Things I absolutely want to keep paying on time, things I'd like to keep paying, and things I can call and see if they will hold the account/close the account/ or just not pay. I do not have a choice. I simply do not have enough money to pay everything with no income. Once I started that process, though, I hated it. So, I decided to make a non committal call. I called one of the nonprofit consumer counseling services. I'm not sure the counselor was ready for my call, "I have fine credit but I'm going to prison and I want to avoid a bankruptcy and I also want to keep some credit outside consolidation... I just want to see if this will save me money ..."

Two hours on the phone and we are not at the answer yet. They will call me back Monday. I guess the thing about this is that I don't know yet what I will do about paying everything, and I'm going to run every option by my Coach Survivor, but I need to be proactive, figure out all my options, and give myself time to figure it all out. Otherwise, I will just be a statistic, another ex-con needing a bankruptcy and then I will be allowing this prison sentence hurt me financially for seven years beyond everything else. Be proactive!

Prison to Professor

He did it and so can I!

"Wiley College professor's journey from prison to Ph.D

By Tracy Clemons – bio|e-mail

MARSHALL, TX (KSLA)- A professor at Wiley College, in east Texas, is living out what some would think they'd only see in a movie. Dr. Tracy Andrus has gone from prison, to a Ph.D, to heading up the Criminal Justice department at the small college. 

"My business got in trouble. I went over to some banks. I got money out of the account that I did not have. They call that check kiting. I was arrested and eventually I was sentenced to 57 years in prison," Andrus says. 

He only served three of those years. Part of that time was in a halfway house in Alexandria. He settled down in the city, and took classes at Louisiana College. Andrus completed his bachelors degree in 2000. 

"I was very excited about it, and God had really blessed me a whole lot, so I said I wanna get my masters degree," he says.

He finished his masters in Criminal Justice at the University of Louisiana-Monroe in one year. Andrus tells KSLA News 12 that he'll never forget the day he was accepted into the Ph.D program at Prairie View A&M. 

"You'll never know how that really made me feel, knowing that now I have an opportunity to earn a PhD, when only a few years prior to that, I was actually doing time in prison." 

Dr. Andrus says he was the first African American to earn a doctorate in Juvenile Justice.

We spoke with a few students in his department, and they all say his story is nothing short of amazing.

"His story is just profound, how we can overcome adversity and still make it," says sophomore Jazmine Jackson.

Wiley senior Nathan Evans says it's inspirational: "By me looking at a man like that, he really inspired me to show me that I can be somebody. No matter where you come from, no matter what background, you can be somebody." 

Andrus attributes his change completely to God-"I know that God was working in my stead from the day I went into the penitentiary."

He tells us he got closer to God while he was in prison. Today he speaks from the experience he believes God allowed him to endure. 

"You may have been to jail. You may be in jail right now, but I just want folks to know that if you have the will, and you put God in front of you, there's nothing that you cannot do if you have the passion to do it." "

A Website of Interest

I found a website that may be of interest to some. It is by a woman in a similar predicament but focuses more on the inside than preparation. Please follow this link to "prison woman talks."

I found reading her updates very interesting for a number of reasons:

1) She somehow gets access to the Internet on a weekly basis while in prison camp

2) She has interesting insights on what she thought things would be like versus what she was observing

3) She is taking her first college courses while in prison through a partnership with a community college (although she does comment that she would like to earn a PhD in her 19 months on the inside)

4) She has an interesting take on why some people visit and others don't.

5) I really liked her piece on "mail call" 

Making the Most of Our Time

I just received an email inviting me to interview for a one week teaching job on my campus. I applied for this position before I knew my sentence, before I knew I would have to be leave this place I love in late August to await my self-surrender. The teaching gig is a week prior to the time I am leaving where I currently live. I can earn a couple hundred dollars doing what I love on top of my usual graduate assistantship, and it will keep me busy. So, I said "yes" to the interview. If I am selected to work for the week, it will be another wonderful opportunity I can add to my CV (an educator's resume) and luckily things are put down by year, not month. My CV will, hopefully, not have a hole in it because I have 2013 entries and when I am out in time for Fall, 2014, it will have 2014 entries. 

It is important for you to know that you do not have to put months on your resumes. You also do not have to put everything you have ever done down. A resume is a marketing piece. Never lie on your resume, but you do not have to put down every short term job, prison position, etc. Make sure you have someone who understands human resources, resume writing, etc. look at your resume before you go looking for jobs after you have been on the inside. Remember it is a marketing tool of yourself and nothing more. Make the most of your time before you go in, while you are inside, and after. I'll post later about finding jobs after doing time in prison. Doing time does not mean you need to spend your life in the poor house. I truly believe that.

Piper Kerman

I am going to be known in prison as a number. Most likely I will remember this number for the rest of my life. Every prisoner gets a number and that is how we are known and called by. When I heard Piper Kerman talk about her experience in the Danbury women's prison, (http://www.prx.org/pieces/87687-the-moth-radio-hour-1304-air-window-1-22-13-1), it felt a little too close to stories of other places where the goal is for individuals to lose identity and just become "one of" and unimportant. I promise to not allow this to happen to me.

It appears that Piper made sure it did not happen to her either. She used the experience to write a humorous and insightful memoir called, "Orange is the new black." I already have it on order from Amazon and will receive the book in a couple days. I hope to read her book before starting to watch the dramatization of it on Netflix. Netflix ordered the book into a series which happens to start on July 11, 2013 (just days from when I am keeping this blog). In one of the coming attractions for the new series, another inmate asks Piper something about her background, and Piper remarks back, "I thought you weren't supposed to ask questions. That's what the books said," and the other inmate makes a face and comments, "you researched for prison??" And I knew that I could be Piper in that exact situation. I am a researcher by trade and my counselor pointed out to me just today that due to my childhood and survival instincts, it is not a surprise that I want to know as much as I can about what I will need to prepare myself for.

I plan to watch the entire first season of the new Netflix series before leaving for whatever place I am going. As I read Piper's book, I may make some comments. At the very least, I will let you know if I recommend it!

Sleep Patterns

Our sleep in prison camp is going to be very different than at home. At home I sleep in a queen size bed all to myself. I toss and turn a lot - mostly due to my autoimmune condition causing pain and stiffness in my joints. In prison, I will be placed on a twin mattress as part of a bunk bed. They will do checks every two hours or so to make sure everyone is in their bed and accounted for by moving flashlights into our bunks. Even with earplugs ($0.15 in the commissary) we will hear the snoring, the toilet flushing, the bunk bed squeaking, the laughing, the book page flipping, the light cracking, the guard talking, the whispering, etc. Then, at 5:30am we will be woken up for our first standing count of the day.

The biggest thing I am going to do to prepare for the reality of sleeping at prison camp is getting my body used to a 5:30 wake up. Since I do not know what camp I will be sent to, I figure I should prepare for a 5:30 am eastern time wake up and if I happen to be placed in a later time zone, it will be easier. Starting August 1st, I will start waking up an hour earlier, then an hour earlier a week later, etc. until I am waking at 5:30am every morning. I will just need to figure out two things, what to do with my early mornings and how to stay awake all day.

Clothing and Linens at the Prison Camp

Every prison camp has their own prison attire, linens and colors, however, this is basically what is provided to each inmate upon arrival:

- 2 towels

- 2 washcloths

- 1 toothbrush

- 1 toothpaste or toothpowder

- 3 bras

- 8 underwear

- 8 socks

- 1 deodorant

- 1 shampoo

- 1 comb

- 1 nightshirt

- 4 uniform pants

- 4 uniform shirts

- 1 pair steel toe shoes

- 4 brown t-shirts

New underclothing (underwear, bras, socks) is issued every six (6) months. All other clothing issued should last much longer. Replacement on all other clothing is determined by the laundry staff. 
If I want additional clothing, I must purchase them in the commissary. The following are approximate costs:
- bathrobe $33
- fleece jacket $26
- pajamas $19
- thermal tops $11
- thermal bottoms $11
- gloves $6
- scarf $3
- knit hat $6
- baseball cap $7
- underwear $3
- shorts/shirts ($ unknown)
- bras ($ unknown)
- sweat pants $13
- shoes ($ unknown)
The only color clothing I will wear will be khaki, white, grey and brown. Gratefully, I will have the ability to walk outside and see the wonderful colors of the world every day.  

10 Questions

Immediately after my sentencing I noticed a theme  to many of my conversations with friends and family who wanted to know what happened, why, when, etc about the details. The next day, I decided to just write a list of the ten questions I think most people who are curious about everything and care about me would want to know. When I get together with people and they start inquiring, I ask if they would like to go through the ten questions, and they seem to like it. Some have a couple more questions, but generally, these take care of most of their initial curiosities:

1. Where and when will I be self-surrendering?
2. How must my life change prior to self-surrendering and why?
3. Why did the judge say I have to leave my doctoral program?
4. How will money work while I am in prison (how will I pay my bills, etc)?
5. Why was the sentence so harsh?
6. How will communication/visitation occur when I am in prison?
7. What should you tell people?
8. How can you help me through this?
9. What happens after prison?
10. How can this be a good thing for me?

I will cover how I answer each of these questions in a basic way here. I may cover them in more detail in a later blog entry. The important thing for you is to think through the questions relevant to your life (obviously #3 is specific to me and #4 is specific to me because I do not have a spouse).

Where and when will I be self-surrendering?
 In the general sense, most people sentenced to self-surrender are told an approximate date of their self-surrender and a probable location at their sentencing hearing. Always being a little different, neither is exactly the case for me. Due to the fact that I have a chronic autoimmune condition requiring a substantial medication regiment and work accommodation, the judge ordered that the department of prisons must look at my medical needs before assigning me to a location. I was promised that I will not be assigned prior to August 18th (after the summer semester of school ends because I would have to pay back all my summer funding if I had to drop out prior to the end). So in both the case of where and when, I can honestly say, "I don't know." My hope is Alderson Prison Camp and my hope is after the Jewish High Holidays - putting me self-surrendering in mid-September. This, however, is 100% out of my control.

How must my life change prior to self-surrendering and why?
I live alone in a two bedroom nice apartment off the public transportation route in my town. I lease a car, eat several meals out per week with friends, and enjoy day trips on my limited income when I can. Over the next several months, I will be needing to save money to help ensure I have the funds I need for my commissary account, a storage locker for all my belongings, sell items I will not need as I will be downsizing, turning in my car lease, and saving on gas and other expenses. My life is about minimalism, saving, downsizing, gratitude, and acceptance. My close friends will need to understand this as well.

Why did the judge say I have to leave my doctoral program?
See yesterday's post.

How will money work while I am in prison?
On the inside: Everything comes through the commissary. Every month, Survivor, my financial "coach," will send me money orders I leave with her before I go to put into my commissary account. Based on talking with an individual who has spent time in Dublin, I plan to start with approximately $225/month for the first several months and lower it to about $125-$150/month toward the latter months in order to cover my needs/wants (shower shoes, watch, extra shirts, gym shoes, phone time, emails, stamps, stationary, shampoo, soap, toothpaste, drinks, snacks, razor, knit hat, etc). I will likely write a separate piece on the commissary one day. No one can send me anything from the outside except books, but that is a special process that I will also set up in advance.
On the outside: Most unmarried prisoners have to do a bankruptcy, unless they have money saved and a good money management person on the outside. Prisoners cannot manage their affairs from the inside. I know that mine cannot be managed. I will work with Survivor to manage what we can set up and we will decide what we cannot do. It will be okay. 10 months is not forever and I will see what I can do when I am out. I am hoping to not have to do a bankruptcy. I have never had to do one, even with all my gambling debts. However, the problem lies with that. I still pay off some of my old debt and the 10 months of not being able to pay off debt may become something that puts me too far into the hole. However, I am not figuring this out today. Will update on this when it is figured out because I think this is valuable to others to know what we figure out.

Why was the sentence so harsh?
Okay, you're thinking... 10 months... not so harsh! And, I totally agree. Honestly, it could have been many years. Even my plea could have been up to 2 years. The thing is that there was a lot of mitigating reasons for it not to be - most specifically the fact that NONE of the parties were asking for me to serve multiple years, that I am working recovery, in school, etc. It wasn't even being considered. I spend the day before the sentencing with my attorney and we never even considered the possibility of 10 months in prison. That is why this seems harsh. So, those of you facing years, I apologize. Had the government, honestly, done their job efficiently and charged me 4-5 years ago, I would also be looking at a much harsher sentence. If you have not been charged yet, are awaiting charges, are not sure you will ever be charged, etc. All I can recommend is to spend this time doing the right thing for yourself - GET THE HELP YOU NEED! If you have an addiction, any kind of addiction, admit it to yourself - and get into the appropriate 12 step program. Get into therapy with an appropriate counselor. Work on your demons. Work on whatever caused you to get yourself into trouble with the law. Don't wait for the judge, the prosecutor, your lawyer, or anyone else to tell you that you need to get help - do it yourself! So, my answer to why was the sentence so harsh is that the sentence is NOT harsh. It is not harsh because I have done everything I should be doing to ensure I will never gamble again and to ensure that I will never feel so desperate that I would ever steal again. Even the prosecutor believed that I would never commit a crime again. However, the most important person who has to believe that would never do such destruction to their life again is YOU!

How will communication/visitation occur when I am in prison?
Communication: Every form of communication has it's price, but is the lifeline of every prisoner, so cost is not a barrier! I will have 300 minutes of phone calls/month (30 - 10 minute phone calls); emails; and letters. I will be allowed to have a list of 30 people I am allowed to communicate with at any given time. Make a list of the people you want to communicate with. Make sure you know their phone numbers, current addresses, and email addresses. Make sure they want to communicate with you. They must accept you as a communicator or you will not be allowed to communicate with them. Make sure they know to check spam email. No one is allowed internet, so everything comes from a prison email system. No google or gmail. No pretend I'm not in prison! Letters are encouraged. No gifts.

Visitation: Every prison camp has their own visitation rules. Generally speaking, visitors can visit Friday-Monday with 8 hour shifts on Saturdays and Sundays, but it depends on the camp. Prisoners can spend the entire day with their guests in the visitor area which usually includes an indoor and outdoor area (often spaces for kids to play as well). Visitors are encouraged to bring lots of quarters, as the only food for visitors and prisoners during the visit are in the vending machines and visitors must pay. Hugs are only allowed at the beginning and end of the visit.

What should you tell people?

Whatever you are comfortable. I told my friends and family that they can say anything they want to anyone they want. I cannot control their actions. However, in order to not lie, at the very least, they can tell people that I am away for a while or I'm away for personal reasons. In honesty, it really is no one's business, but I do not believe in lying.

How can you help me through this?

A lot of people ask me this. They are such good friends that want to help and through my recovery program I have had to learn both how to ask for help and how to accept help. Getting help is not a sign of weakness. It is a way of connecting with others, we help others and others help us. We "pay it forward" and it is not even about helping the same people that help us, it is just about brink there when someone needs it. They are then there when someone else needs it. So, my friends that ask how they can help, I am honest. I can use help packing, moving, and making some difficult decisions. Mostly I just need an ear sometimes when it all gets overwhelming. They are very happy to oblige.

What happens after prison?

The sentence of imprisonment is only the start. My sentence actually ends in 2017, possibly later when my full restitution is paid off. After I spend time at the prison camp, I will likely have to go to a halfway house for a couple weeks to months. They do that as a transition. Then I have supervised probation for three years with substantial financial, travel, and other restrictions. Some things I read say that the restrictions being at home can actually be more difficult for some. I'm just going to take it all a day at a time.

How can this be a good thing for me?

Few people going to prison could think there's a silver lining- maybe the person who needs alcohol or drug treatment - but most people I imagine can not see it. I'm fortunate, however. I have been given five amazing years to experience life with clear eyes and a healthy brain. Five years where I did not hide from emotions of fear or love or anger or pride. I traveled to amazing places where there was nothing to feel but the presence of my higher power and serenity. So, I know that this is happening now, so long after anyone ever thought it would, for a reason. I believe there is someone that I must meet or that must meet me - perhaps both. I must grow. My story needs this experience. I will connect with what is good and observe all that is around me, even in a place like a federal women's prison camp. Perhaps I can be a voice of "hope," a word I believe in so much for someone who has lost her way. I don't know. But, I believe I will "pay it forward" all these five years of gifts given to me, in my months in prison!