38 Days

This is the first time I actually did the real count. I have 38 days until my self-surrender. Some may look at the number and say "only" 38 days. I used to see things that way, usually the pessimist. There is a lot I'm looking forward to in those 38 days, though, including time with family and friends, trying to finish another season of Doctor Who (yes, major nerd), my GA pinning, people coming to visit, many rides on Hope, some summer blockbuster movies and popcorn, and more. So, I'm not going to count down the days. I may notice the weeks go by a bit. I plan to get done what continues to be on my red notebook, finish my class, and enjoy the freedom and nice weather. Live each day, one day at a time. The Feds would like to take a lot away from us, but it is up to you to let them take your optimism or ability to enjoy the simple things in life.

Orange is the New Black

I watched the first three episodes of the series on Netflix tonight. Thursdays are usually tough for me health-wise. My injection medication is on Friday nights and tends to run its course by Thursday mornings, so a night of television seemed just about right.

I absolutely love the creator, Jenji Kohan, who also created, "Weeds." The cast is really great too. It is not verbatim to the book, but many of the characters and the best lines seem to be in it. It is always interesting to see how Hollywood dramatizes reality. Kohan is known to over sex the characters and that is certainly true for this series - men and women alike. The drama is good and I found myself caring quickly for many of the female inmates, especially as their true back stories were revealed. I liked that part a lot, because it showed a side of the inmates that we wouldn't easily see. Many women in the facility made a mistake, found themselves desperate, were manipulated by someone else, or have mental illness. Something tells me that may be the truth for many people I will meet in Carswell as well. 

Do I think the series is worth watching? Yes. Do I think it's realistic? Slightly, at best. Will I watch the whole series? Definitely. Do I recommend the series or book more? The book for reality, the series for entertainment - a lot of laughter. Although I have to admit, tears ran down my face during the first 15 minutes of the pilot, but not after that!

Keeping the Faith

When I wrote my blog the other day about what you can bring with you into prison/prison camp, I inadvertently left out one item - your bible. You are allowed to bring that with you. I do not own a bible. If I did, it would be called a Siddur (Jewish Prayer Book). Looking at the list of items you can bring into Prison, it does not list a Siddur. Jewish people account for less than 2% of all prisoners (federal or state) in the U.S. prison system. Jewish people are just 0.6% of the population in Texas. Not only Jewish people face predicaments like this - Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, and others face similar issues of minority religions/faiths.

One way for me to connect to my faith while I am in prison, and also to ensure my health a bit, is to ask for a kosher diet. My friend, Hansom (who has been in prison) told me that Kosher diets get salami (rather than bologna) and I did not grow up eating a lot of pork. I never kept entirely Kosher, but I always kept the Jewish Holidays and was raised on a very Jewish culture including hebrew school and a bat mitzvah. If I want to have a piece of my culture in prison, setting myself up as Kosher from the beginning will establish me with those rights.

I found this Jewish prison website this morning. They are contacting FMC Carswell ahead of my arrival and ensuring that they know a Jewish prisoner wanting a kosher diet is arriving. Texas prisons rarely receive Jewish prisoners and they will likely have to order the kosher food in. The Supreme Court held that all prisoners must have a right to practice their religion in prison, including a kosher diet. I will have access to more fruits and vegetables. No spam, pork/beef bi-products (a favorite of the prison system), and my food will be cleaned according to Kosher law. It is packaged appropriately as well. During the holidays, like Passover, I will be given pre-packaged meals that provide me with Matzoh and hard boiled eggs, etc. According to Hansom, many people who are not Jewish ask for the Kosher diet as well. I guess if you can document a need or a religious belief, you can get it.

Of course, there could be issues along the way. Excuses by the prison on why they can't meet my Kosher diet. The prison chaplain(s) can help with this. They can help with any religious questions/needs you may have. Use them as a resource. I plan to. I'm keeping the faith - including my religious faith. I may not be the most religious person in the world, but I certainly believe in my higher power. I certainly believe having a Kosher diet will help me through my time at Carswell and I thank Hansom for telling me to consider this option! Considered and approved!

Trying To Fit In

As I talk with people about what life may be like on the inside, I often get the advice to keep to myself (I'm an extrovert) and just do my time. I must admit, I hate confrontation. Anyone who knows me, knows that. I used to be the most passive person you'd ever met. Not even passive-aggressive (never been aggressive), just passive. But with my five years of addiction recovery, five years of growing emotionally, I've learned to stand up for myself at times (still not confrontational) and I still, unfortunately, withdraw at signs of aggression. So, with this being the truth, I'm unsure how to really be "prepared" for the prison environment.

From what I've read, the prison camps are not full of fights or confrontation. Everyone is mostly in there for non-violent crimes. That is where I'd be if it were not for my medications. But the federal medical center is a real prison, with convicts at every security level doing time together. Some inmates may be there for life. They are bored. Even confrontation not pointed at me makes me withdraw. 

I have a male GA friend who also spent time in prison for his crimes connected to his addiction. He told me that inmates like to "test" you when you first arrive. They may take something of yours to see your reaction. They may confront you. They may try to get your story. Of course, there is a difference between men's and women's prisons.

The best advice I received and that I can give to others is to stay and appear strong - don't let someone get to you - don't show your weaknesses - make acquaintances but trust no one with your life story. Fitting in is not your goal, getting out early for good behavior is.

So, when I see confrontation, or someone confronts me, I think I'm going to go with my natural instinct and walk away, even if I appear a coward. I'd rather be a coward, than living in the Hole in isolation. As for keeping to myself, I expect to be the extrovert I am, I just don't expect to share much about myself. I'll let others tell me their crazy and fascinating stories and I'll believe about 10% of them. Like I said, trust no one and everyone is getting the same advice!!! 

Riding Around on Hope

I've mentioned before that I named my motor scooter "Hope." Hope is a word I hold onto a lot. My car I named "Zaziwae," the word 'Hope' in Nelson Mandela's native tongue. On days where it appears it will not rain, I choose to ride Hope the 6 or so mile to/from my campus each day and it is my favorite part of the day. The fresh air. The breeze. Yes, I always have my helmet on (note earlier post about the day of my passing out, no helmet would have meant head injury- thank god for helmets!). The feeling of going fast even though my 50cc bike only really goes 35 mph on a good day. Nature. Sunshine. Time to myself.

I didn't always have Hope - not just literally, but figuratively. Perhaps in the casinos I did. Hope for the next win. But not Hope for myself, Hope for my journey, Hope for others. I'm not sure I even really understood the word. Now I see myself on a journey of Hope. Not that it means I get all my Hopes and dreams, that is not at all what this means, it is about not giving up. Keeping the journey alive. A roadblock just means I need to find another way. There are many bumps in the road (a ride on my scooter Hope feels all of them) but in time, with persistence, strategy, and the ability to seek out resources and ask for help when necessary, we can get past them. To me, that is Hope. 

I talk in this blog about where I will be in one year - back at school, back at my graduate assistantship, back in this life I love. That is Hope. Truth is, we do not know our future. All we know is today. All we can do is challenge ourselves, get past the roadblocks and over the bumps each day and see what actually occurs. While Hope may not be the word you choose to hold onto, find a word, something positive that you can close your eyes and think about when times may be dark. Perhaps your thoughts will get just a little lighter.

You Can't Take It With You

That actually was the title of one of my favorite plays when I was young. Another tidbit about me. I love the theater! But in this blog, I'm not talking theater, I'm talking about what you can, and what you cannot, take with you to self surrender.

Obviously you will self-surrender by walking up to a door, fence, gate, marshal, etc. wearing clothing, shoes, etc. but such articles will be shipped off immediately. Make sure whomever is receiving your clothes knows they are coming or they may FREAK out at the box with your favorite hat and sneakers in it. 

What will you be allowed to keep?

Almost nothing. If you are legally married, you can have a wedding band with no special gems or jewels. You may be allowed to keep a basic chain with a religious charm necklace. It can't be fancy. It can't be expensive. And it is not guaranteed. They do sell some as the commissary. You may be allowed to keep a basic Casio style digital watch with a value below $100. You may read that some white cotton undergarments can get in, but I talked directly with the prison today, and at least at Carswell, all undies and bras must come from them. Perhaps some camps are more lenient. Worth a call, I suppose. I was told to bring my pill bottles with whatever is left in them - whether I am given the medication is unknown. I'm also to bring my enbryl, which I'll have to keep cold for my travel days. Bring your glasses, but make sure they are plastic frames and simple frames. Not too valuable. I suppose since mine came from SAMs Club, it's as low as you can go. That is all the physical property we can keep.

We should also bring our paperwork:

-medical records

-power of atty over healthcare

-living will

-college/high school transcripts (if u finished high school but didn't attend college)  - without transcripts, you must take GED courses

- 2 copies of our address list - 30 names, addresses, phone numbers, and email addresses - one for the prison and one to keep

- money order to put initial funds in commissary account

Back home, with someone you trust, before you self surrender, have one bag packed with 5 outfits- especially if you are planning on being out in less than a year. At the halfway house, you will be allowed 5 outfits and they will need to be sent to you once you arrive. Plan ahead. Don't forget the shoes and possible work/interview clothing.

When we know the facts

I'd be lying if I wrote that I slept well last night. I'm trying to figure out if I'm more upset by my sooner than expected surrender date or if I am using that because I am more scared of the other news, that I am officially going to FMC Carswell. I'd like to say that I hadn't researched much on Carswell, but my research on the place actually started 9 months ago. Somehow I knew, my health had recently changed for me, and if I were to get incarceration in sentencing, there was a better chance than not that I'd be headed to Carswell.

In late September, 2012, I was riding home on my motor bike - a cute 50cc pink scooter I named "Hope" and I passed out. Ten days hospitalized locally, high inflammatory markers, high white blood count, other odd blood tests, but most doctors were stumped. My oxygen levels fall. I spend 6 weeks on 24 hr oxygen and I'm only 39 years old. Three trips to the Cleveland Clinic, work locally with rheumatologists, neurologists, pulmonary, cardiology, neuro-psych, and gastroenterology, and I'm currently on 8-9 pills/day and a weekly rhumatological injection with only a working diagnosis. But I feel better most days at about 60-75%.

The prosecutor's case against me literally moved forward within days after the initial hospitalization was over. Suddenly, instead of looking at going to a prison camp, I had a medical condition that top doctors were working hard to treat and understand. 

So, I knew, of course I knew, if I were sentenced to incarceration, it would have to be to a medical facility. The only problem is that there is only one medical facility for female federal inmates in the U.S. It has some of the most negative reviews of healthcare one could imagine. Cancer that goes untreated. Women waiting months to see doctors. Body bags for women who had treatable conditions. I know I will be out soon enough to avoid these issues. Even if I am in pain, I can withstand my 10 months. I will survive anything. I just can't be there and do nothing about what I will see going on around me. At the same time, troublemakers get time added on to their sentences, time in the "hole," inability to use commissary or phone or email, and I need these things. At least I think I do. Maybe I am being sent to Carswell to make a difference. To be a voice. To add that chapter of observation to my writings. To help the women there. I don't know. At least not yet.

One thing that I will say that is unique about Carswell is that since it is the only medical center, women at all criminal levels are in one location. While I am eligible for minimum security at a camp, I can be rooming with a murderer. This is truth. The only two women on death row in the U.S. are at Carswell, although they are kept separate than the general population. Instead of a prison camp without fences, there will be two rows of fences with barbed wire. Seven men working at Carswell since 1995 have been convicted of raping inmates, including a priest. I am strong enough to go and be there. I will be ready. I will make a difference!

A date. A location. A time.

August 19th. FMC Carswell. 10am.

Earlier than I thought I would be self-surrendering. I'd hoped I could have my GA 5 year pinning on Aug. 25th. I'd been looking forward to helping move T.S. (a young woman who I love like a daughter) into her freshman dorm room in late August. I'd hoped that I would be able to attend the 5th annual women's recovery weekend that I've been hosting at my aunt's land every September. I'd hoped I could spend some time away from where I attend school, close to family and friends, and attend temple for the Jewish High Holidays. My attorney had told me she thought I'd have more time. I do not.

I will finish my summer graduate assistantship and class on Friday, August 16th. I will likely rent a car with Survivor to make a special two day journey down to Fort Worth, TX. I will eat my last bites of real beef and other delights. I will sleep in a comfortable bed on the night of August 18th. Survivor will probably tell me to stop playing with my phone, or to stop talking, or we will just stay up talking and laughing (we've been known to do that!) I will make some last phone calls on the 18th and early on the 19th. We may drive by the gate early once, just to be sure we know where we are going. I will have all my papers in order and everything I am supposed to bring. I'll have looked through them to be sure at least a dozen times. Survivor may too. I'll do my best not to cry as they drive me away from my friend to the medical center. I'm not sure how successful I'll be at that - as I'm crying right now just writing this.

Women's Federal Medical Center Carswell Prison (Fort Worth, TX)

A Stack of Board Games

I'm sitting on a couch waiting to facilitate a meeting and I'm looking at a shelf full of board games- monopoly, trivia pursuit, racking, cranium, scattergories, dominos- games that teach competition, winning at all costs, and even cheating. We play these games as kids, and we play other games as adults. Still competing to be the best, at all costs, and our cheating can become criminal activity. This is true for addicts. The next win is just around the corner, we believe it, we must believe it, otherwise our entire world would crumble. We must somehow believe we will be able to pay our bills, pay back our payday loans, feed our children. Unfortunately, at the casinos our money means nothing more than Monopoly money - I'll trade you my $100 dollar bill for the slim chance that I will get the right cards or one spin of a wheel. Insanity is defined as "doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." Never thought my summer of '89 obsession of daily monopoly with my friends would somehow connect me years later to an addiction, crime, and prison.

I am Officially a Number

I was curious and looked myself up on the Federal Bureau of Prisons website - available here. On the left bar is "inmate locator." I entered my first and last name and I am officially listed. A week ago I was not yet listed on the website (so I guess it takes a couple weeks). I officially have my number. There are five digits a dash and then three digits. It also lists my age, race, gender, known release date (mine is unknown as of now) and my location (says "not in BOP custody" as of right now). I became curious as to if there was any logic as to the Register # given to me. So, I researched...

The first five digits are random, the three digits after the dash are based on the jurisdiction where I was booked by the U.S. Marshal (regardless of where I live or where my trial took place or where I will be serving out my sentence). There is a key to the last three digits. You can find the key here. That is the only significance to the number I was assigned with. With 8 digits, my number will not be easy to remember - no easy sequences or number repeats. However, I am likely to hear it and say it enough times that I will know it by heart for the rest of my life.

I have two choices here. I can choose to let this number be something that takes my individuality away or something I own and empowers me as a way to inspire change in myself and others. Yes, I will be a prisoner, I am a felon. I carry this weight for my lifetime. I have a prison number. It is truth. It does not change who I am or my journey.