From Dragonfly: A Visit From My Parents

My mother and step-father visited me yesterday. I was having a lot of anxiety about their coming, as I knew that neither of them have ever stepped foot near a prison in their lives. It turned out that my mom seemed better able to handle it than my step-dad, who had a really hard time with accepting that this is where I am at - at least for the meantime. I told him that it's really not that bad, you get used to it. They were mostly concerned about the lack of medical care I am receiving, but I told them that I'm okay. I know that I need to be seeing a medical professional more often, but I will be able to pick that up again this summer. Right now, as long as I am still walking, talking, working, and able to care for myself, I think I'm getting through this experience pretty well. One does not thrive in prison, but it is possible to live through the experience. My mom and SIL will be coming for a visit today.

In other news, I did receive a letter back from my school's Provost. It was one paragraph and just upheld the decision of the Dean to revoke my admission. Once again, it stated something like, "this does not preclude you from re-applying for graduate study..." The Dean's letter said the same thing. I don't know if it's just the way they write these kinds of letters, or if it was a choice of theirs to encourage me to reapply. I'm concerned about the reapplication process... given everything, who would I be able to use as references? What does my transcript say (does it say that my admission was revoked)? It may be very difficult for me to get back in... but I do not shy away from challenges. One day, I am going to walk across the stage and receive that degree that I've put so much time and effort toward. As long as I believe I will, there will be a way to make it happen. It's when we start to doubt ourselves that we cause our own failures.

As a person in recovery, it is important that no matter what my dreams/goals may be, I allow for life to occur on life's terms. Someone recently wrote me the following quote, "we plan and god laughs." It is so true. There's no way to know what lies ahead, because it has not yet occurred. A million possibilities exist for each of us. We have to remain flexible and open to all the possibilities.

For example, I was exhausted after my visit yesterday and all I could imagine was going to bed. However, I was invited to inside rec for a game of Tri-Ominos last night, and I said, "yes." I'm so glad I did, because Lola, Freckles, Glitter and I ended up talking and laughing... laughing so hard. Turns out Glitter was engaged to a guy who she never told she was going to prison until a week before she left. I asked her, "well, doesn't he read the papers... I mean your story was in the papers..." Well, since there wasn't the right time to tell him... Well, he lost trust in her. Here's the lesson, if you are going to prison, tell your spouse/fiance... because if you don't, they may get just a teenie bit angry. We were joking around, "so, you just thought you'd disappear for three years and he wouldn't notice." "You said you were taking a long vacation."

Here's the thing, not telling people that you are going to prison takes away their right to make the decision to support you or not. It's not our decision to make, it's theirs, and we cannot control their reaction. A life experience like this certainly helps define who our "real" friends are. I've been amazed by the outpouring of support I've received, even from strangers. Others, in here, face divorce, lost friends, and broken relationships. It happens. But, you are not in control of your relationships, it is a two-sided emotional bond. You deserve to be surrounded by people who love and support you, despite your mistakes, who do not judge you. Be strong. Tell the truth.

I did. I faced consequences of the truth, including facing what I am with my school and several people turning on me. However, their judgement is on them. I cannot control their actions or reactions. However, because I told the truth, I have a visit today from family. Had I lied, I would only have distanced myself further from people who choose to care about me. I am looking forward to my visit today and will try to find some more laughter as the day goes on.