From Dragonfly: Seeing the Differences

Yesterday, I received several pieces of mail. Some were Valentine's cards, others were letters. I continue to be so grateful to everyone back home who continues the regular communication with me. One friend writes me at least weekly and tells me the tales about her life and watching her baby grow. Another, sends me cards nearly every week that are funny and bring a smile not just to my face, but to those around me. Some friends include stickers on their letters/envelopes. Some want me to write back (I will try). Mail call continues to be a highlight of my days.

The thing is, though, that my daily highlights used to be SO much bigger. I used to present important research and ideas to academics. I used to help students through a syllabus they helped build. I used to write research papers, conduct qualitative and quantitative research projects, and travel. I used to be an academic and my highlights were finding out that something was accepted to a conference or a journal. My highlights were learning a new concept that just made so much sense. My highlights were figuring out a statistical idea that had confused me. My highlights were spending time with top academics from their fields and learning amazing things and listening to amazing stories.

My days used to consist of reading, writing, asking questions, and being professional. My days, here, consist of smelling spoiled milk, trying to get a nap in during lunch time, getting a banana, and stitching yarn into a plastic canvas. I know there's still good I do - including my work with the GED students and teaching ACE classes, however, it is not the atmosphere I grew used to at school and, specifically, at a research university.

Yesterday's mail included a letter from one of my good friends back home. I asked all my friends to keep me updated about their lives; even though I am here, I want them to share life out there. I am so glad she wrote the truth, because the letter was all about the juggling she is doing with classes, academic and research projects, work, fellowship, and more. She is in the final academic year before she is on her dissertation full time. It's the life I would have been living this year, had I not been incarcerated. I read the paragraph three times, and then I read it to my friends. So much of the language is distant to me while I'm incarcerated, "pedagogy," "research," "fellowship," "dissertation," "professor," "guidance committee," "advisor," etc. I read it out loud because for the moment, I was just amazed at how fast my life can change. My words here consist of: "banana," "toilet paper," "cleaning," "bull dagger," "baby daddy," "family," "ice," "transfer," "home," "camp," "cheese cake," and "mail." There is not much academic about my current experience, except for the observations of living it.

I hope my friends continue to write me about the reality of their lives. Until yesterday, I'd almost forgotten what it was like being a PhD student. I'm glad my friend brought me back into it, because it gives me increased motivation to find my way back into it. I've been studying from a GRE study guide, in preparation for taking a new GRE upon my release. I will watch all my cohort friends graduate, likely, while I may be still trying to get back into school. I'm proud of them and it will just motivate me that much more. I, also, know, that this experience will make me an even better student and a stronger person.