From Dragonfly: Is Anything Real?

There's such a falacy of living in prison. The reality of the world does not cross over the fences. People develop fake families, fake relationships, pretend to have histories they don't, pretend to have futures they don't. It is honestly hard to know what is truth and what is real. I will give a couple examples.

I have years of work with the LGBTQ community. I have taught about the differences between sexual orientation and gender and tried to help people understand the lives of transgender individuals - why they transition, the difficulty of their lives before and after transition, and how them being transgender has little to do with what their sexual orientation is. Gender and sexuality are SOOOO complicated, yet, here, in prison, it's even moreso.

Yesterday, a woman I know came into my room to ask my roommate to help her become a "boy." I looked to this woman and asked her why she felt she wanted to look like a boy. She responded that she wants a new girlfriend and she wants the girls chasing her. She had a fight with her girlfriend the day before and was looking for someone new. I asked if she felt like a "boy" or masculine, she said, "no." I asked why did she think she needed to look like a boy to get a girlfriend, she said that boy's are chased and taken care of by their "straight" girlfriends (who are only gay for the stay and therefore want some who looks masculine). I asked her why she doesn't just want to be herself and find a girl, she said that she just wants to get "f***ed." I didn't expect that response. So, she cut her hair shorter, borrowed clothing that is at least 3 sizes too big on her, and started to go by a guy's name. She is officially a "boi/boy" here at carswell, yet, on the inside, she is a girl. In fact, at home, she has a husband and 7 children --- and she's still in her 30's. What is real?

Another inmate, whose hair is short and dresses failry boyish, had a whole conversation with the women in the laundry room, yesterday, that she is a woman and proud to be a woman, and only looks the way she does because she is lazy and doesn't want to have to do her hair. This is a woman, who people who just don't understand gender and sexuality, would call, "sir" or "him," even though she would prefer "she" or "her." She passes that well. She has a wife and a child at home and a girlfriend of years here. What is real?

People form incredible friendships here. They share the details of their lives and bond over similarities, laugh over the crazy stories of the past, and cry over missing family and children. They promise to stay in touch once one goes home. Yet, a card or letter almost never comes. Did they already forget how hard it is in prison? Were those friendships real?

People go home saying they will never come back. They go to halfway houses or home confinement. Months later we see them again, most violating the most basic rules of their supervision - sex with other felons, getting pregnant by other other felons, traveling outside their zone without permission, drug dealing, ... they say that the rules are too hard on them - they'd rather just complete their time in prison. I can't imagine ever making the decision to come back to prison. It is not the "good ol' days" when we had no responsibilities. We leave behind everyone we love, and most of the women have young children. What is real?

In some ways, prison life is like taking a step back in time - to the 1940's or 50's - where life was much simpler, and especially was restrictive to women. Women who wanted to work in non-female jobs, had a hard time getting them, and often chose to look masculine, even if they didn't feel that way on the inside. Just wearing pants was off limits, but some defied those rules. Technology was limited, as it is here. In many ways, women's lives were lived by a set of known and unknown rules - especially if they went to college (where women had earlier curfews than men, and den mothers that forbade certain kinds of behavior). But, we live in the 21st century now, and so much has changed. So, perhaps that is what makes living in a place like this so unreal, because almost nothing seems to have changed for the female inmates in prison.