From Dragonfly: Seeing Someone Different

They say that the change is slow in recovery. That people around you will notice the changes well before you will. I've definitely seen that in the people around me. Some grow so much, some just a little, but all for the better.

This morning I was looking in the mirror, washing my face. I smiled at myself. It was an honest smile. I used to avoid mirrors, hating what I'd see. I only saw my flaws, my failures... I always just saw a fat, round face, that grows hair in unfortunate places that I always needed to take care of, that didn't fit in, anywhere. I didn't notice my dimples, my birth mark, my eye color, my small nose, my chin, my forehead. I couldn't see those things. Mirrors were reminders of everything wrong in my life. I wasn't as "pretty" as the women in my family. I didn't even look Jewish. I burned, where they tanned. I had freckles. I was full of mistakes.

This morning, I smiled. I smiled because my dimples were cute. I smiled because yesterday I was able to talk with a friend about something "difficult" and I did it without fear, without being passive or worst, passive-aggressive. I smiled because I have two months left here. I smiled because I am loved and supported by so many people. I smiled because I don't care if I fit in anywhere. I smiled because I like myself. I smiled because it's morning and I have so much to be grateful for.

If anyone told me that I'd ever wake up feeling good about myself, I'd have told them they are crazy. I was so sick, I never could see me ever getting past the flaws I saw in myself. I'm not saying I don't still have "flaws," or a round face, or hair issues, or burn too easily, or make a ton of mistakes. I'm not saying that I'm all that different, but it's how I interpret myself that has changed. Who cares? I am who I am and that's okay! Once I stopped caring about what everyone else thought of me, I started to realize it all didn't really matter. I see someone very different in the mirror today!