From Dragonfly: Fear

What is it that keeps us from living in integrity? Makes us passive? Results in lies? I think it's fear. Fear of reaction, fear of unknown. Our heads are our worst enemies, always imagining the worst thing happening. I lived in fear for most of my life. I always worried about reactions, reputation, and living in my false world. Working the steps and therapy helped me face these issues and slowly I've seen the changes. The changes don't happen overnight, but when a situation comes up, and I act the opposite of what I would have before, I know I've changed.

Such was a time yesterday. A woman whom I knew had heard from the "haters" about things I did, gossip I'd supposedly passed about her, that I didn't do, came back to my unit. She had been a friend and I was excited to see her, however, I FEARED what she thought of me. I knew the gossip about me was all-consuming for a bit, and that she wasn't around at the time for me to talk to. The old part of me popped up, avoidance and passivity. However, that only lasted a moment, when I found myself walking right up to her. I avoided all confrontation in the past, but here I was, walking up to her, ready to face any reaction I received. I spoke straight forward, telling her that what she'd heard was not true. I think she believed me to a point. It really does not matter if she does believe me, what matters is that I said it. I welcomed her back and told her I'd missed her and always considered her a friend. I then walked away.

It matters not if she believes me because she does not have to. As I say, "others opinions of me are none of my business." She is welcome to not like me if she does not want to. I don't like everyone. I don't have the need to be everyone's friend. I am just me, and I'm okay with that.

Now is a good time to write about how all this past gossip started. Someone on the outside read this, talked with someone on the inside, and rumors went around that I was telling people's gossip, naming them, and perhaps even being a snitch. I am none of these things, but it mattered not, the rumors flew. I was even threatened. Suddenly I was feared by others, "don't tell her anything." They did not understand the purpose of my writing. My purpose to help others facing similar situations. I've mentioned how gossip around here contorts and changes so rapidly, soon people I didn't even know were accusing me of the most outrageous things. I considered stopping writing.

Then, I wrote about "why I write," and I knew that I needed to keep on writing. These threats or lies were not going to bully me to stop something that is good for people and myself. I needed to believe in what I'm doing, and I do. People said that they were going to have their families send in copies. I said, "go ahead," it's not like I am writing anything I am not proud of. If people want to know about my journey of recovery and my journey in here, they are welcome to. Maybe they'd learn something. Had anyone actually received anything, no one told me. I think once they had their families look, they realized they were wrong. Amazingly, some of those "haters" and people who threatened are kind to me now. I did not back down and I faced it best I could. I won't say I didn't have fear, I had a lot. There was a phone call to a friend where my crying overwhelmed her and I. I was better after going through that, though. I was able to think more clearly and do the next right thing.

Lately, I've been so rewarded for what I'm doing. A woman, just yesterday, asked me if I write this and I said I did. She told me that she read it everyday before her self-surrender three weeks ago. She told me that she was less scared and ready to face this place, because she knew what to expect. If she were the only person who this helped, I would have succeeded, yet I know she is not. Last week, I answered some questions of a mother, worried about her daughter who is about to be sentenced. There is so little for us women out in cyberspace, I'm so glad I can make my journey a way to help others as they face theirs.

So, I face my fear and always, better things happen than I imagine in my head. We need to stop living in fear. We have no idea when the next moment will bring, we cannot predict our journeys/our futures. We must just live in integrity, in truth, and with confidence that it will all be okay in the end...