From Dragonfly: Life on the Outside

I often talk with people here who are angry at their loved ones. Perhaps their spouse didn't handle the taxes right. Maybe their kids' birthday parties weren't up to par. Some people went on a great vacation, while they were sitting in prison. My fellow inmates get bitter, have expectations on those back home, and sometimes get into fights with their family/friends.

I have to say that my response to them is that we are the ones in prison, our loved ones are not. Yet, they are going through this along with us. Our lives may be stagnant, but their lives have to keep moving forward. Not everyone should suffer just because we are. That is a selfish attitude. We, also, cannot hold responsible those on the outside for their decisions and actions, as long as they were doing their best. They may not be able to figure out finances as well as we do, or plan a party to our expectation, but, really, these are not things we can control. While we are in prison, we must allow our loved ones to figure out how best to maneuver their lives without us around. They didn't expect this time without us, and they are just getting through it best they can.

Perhaps I am being a little too lenient on our loved ones. I do think they have some responsibility if they, also, love us. They need to keep in touch on a regular basis. They need to ask their incarcerated loved one how things are going and listen, even when it's hard to hear. Our free loved ones need to know that sometimes we will emotionally react on the phone, just by hearing their voices or our kids voices. All the advice to be strong will fail us when it comes to our loved ones. We miss you all, more than our freedom. Just today, a couple friends who are grandparents said that they miss their grandchildren the most. The kids will grow so fast while they are away and they cherish their time "sitting" for their grand kids. So the responsibility on the family members is to keep in touch, send pictures, and let their incarcerated loved one know that they are gone, but not forgotten.

As for us inmates, we need to learn gratitude and humility. We must be grateful for what our loved ones are doing and humble to their trying the best they can. Perhaps they fail in certain areas, so be it. I promise we fail in some areas as well. So, while your loved one is in prison, please move forward with your lives, take vacations, plan parties, and enjoy the holidays. Send us pictures and write us often. Don't forget our birthdays, anniversaries, or other important dates. Celebrate our time as it counts down, and always as how we are. Keeping a family together is hard, even without someone incarcerated for a period of time, so take the challenge to keep up good communication and let go of all the expectations. I promise, expectations will lead to disappointment, which will lead to anger and frustration. Practice compassion instead.