From Dragonfly: The Embarrassment of Leaving

Okay, I won't exactly call it "embarrassment," but sharing with folks doesn't seem right. There are people here, good people, who have years to go, and I've just been inside for 9 months. I am really a lucky one! My sentence could have been far worse. Luckily, my recovery, my work on myself, my trying to move forward in a healthy way, helped me get a downward departure from the sentencing guidelines. Many are not so lucky. Many, do not have years to rebuild their lives. Had I been charged back in 2008, it wouldn't have gone so well. In fact, I'm not sure I would be around at all.

As I've written, each day here feels like a week, a week a month, a month a year... It all feels like forever. But, once you do the time, you look back, and it wasn't that long. It really wasn't. Sure, I missed a lot of things on the outside. Life moved forward for everyone, but me. Doing time is do-able, though, it really is. It does not need to define your life. You do not have to move through your prison experience in shame and guilt. Do your time, keep yourself busy, make a few friends you trust, follow the rules best you can, hold off your anger, laugh when you can, sleep, eat, work out, make something creative, play a game, and your time will go by. You can do this. If I can do this, you can do this!!!

I think the prison life goes in cycles. There are cycles of anger/frustration; cycles of happiness; cycles of shame; cycles of fear; cycles of acceptance. Then there are the cycles of being a newcomer in a prison, getting adjusted, becoming "in the know," and preparing for leaving. Those in the first three cycles can be jealous of those in the last cycle. I'm in the last cycle. I am leaving people behind. They are happy for me, but sad for themselves. It sucks that humans are like that - we can't help but compare ourselves. I know I am lucky. Lucky in the right ways - not the gambling ways. I never gambled with my prison experience. I always tried to do the best I could. I wasn't perfect, but I never saw the inside of the SHU. I never received a shot (disciplinary sanction). I spent my days trying best I could to be productive and make the time go in a healthy way. I spent time with people with that same goal.

I am leaving. I will be walking out of here in 4 days and a wake-up. I have my box mostly filled with things to take to property on Tuesday. I'm giving away things I won't need. People ask when I'm leaving, I tell them. Some are genuinely happy for me. Some, imagine what it would be like to leave. One day, soon, it will be them. I will celebrate the exit of each and every one of them - the non-violent, non-child related crimes, where people are here for way too long. I wish I could take the hand of them all and we could walk out of here. I wish I could say "goodbye" to Lola. I wish Appeal will win her appeal and leave. I wish Mama was told she is going closer to home, or just to home. I wish Glitter wasn't facing time in state prison after this - for the same set of facts. I wish Mexico could stay in the U.S. and take care of her kids. I wish Taz wasn't facing years here with some pretty serious health issues coming up. There are so many people I wish I could help, but in prison, it's most important to take care of yourself. So many people have had such a big impact on me, and I pray I've left them all with a bit of "HOPE." That would be something special.

I guess I'm not embarrassed to be leaving. It's what I've fought for since before I even stepped foot here. I just feel for the many others, here, who are not yet in that last piece of the prison cycle. Although, if we all live just "one day at a time," it makes little difference, because right now, we are all here. We are facing this life. We are trying to make the best decisions we can. We are spending time with one another. We pray for our release.