From Dragonfly: Last Writing from Carswell

Since my phones and email will be turned off tomorrow morning, as the prison does their work to prepare for my departure, this is the last time I will be writing from prison. I pray with all my being that there would not be anything that would take me back to prison again. I made mistakes, but I am not a bad person and I do not belong here.

So, it's a holiday at the compound. They are doing a brunch for lunch and a special dinner, consisting of hot wings. We've only had the wings once before and it was a big hit! It still amazed me how much what is on the menu matters here. We have so few things that bring us happiness.

My party last night was good. It kind of got rained out, but we did the pics and then ate wonderful cheesecake in the unit - made by Nurse and supplies by many including Taz, Cali, Freckles, and Appeal. Freckles made a fruit salad, but we are going to eat it today. Freckles wasn't able to join us for the cheesecake, because we couldn't eat outside due to the weather and she doesn't live in our unit. The mother/daughter inmates I've talked of before joined us. I really like them. Conversation was good and it was a nice send-off.

It wasn't an easy day, though. Other than the party and working out, I spent most of the day in my room, reading. I have always hated "goodbyes," and there are a few people I'm really going to miss. I already miss South and Lola, but now I'm leaving others - good people who also made some mistakes in their lives. There's one person I am going to miss most of all, and I told her so. Somehow, I know it is not a forever "goodbye" when we walk out of this prison. The old saying, "people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime..." Well, I truly believe that and there's a lot of reasons many people came into my life while I was in prison. I learned a lot and I hope they learned from me as well. I do think, though, there may be a couple "lifetime" people from this experience as well. Distance and rules will keep us apart for a while, but our memories will keep our relationships alive.

I wrote that there was a reason I was going to prison and I knew that I was meant to meet someone or they me, and I may never know why or who. I can't question the work of my higher power. This experience has changed me profoundly. I have a new understanding of so many things and some are good and some not so good, but I leave here stronger, more confident, and not afraid of my past.

Writing has been an incredible outlet for me. It has given me a portal to share my thoughts and emotions. I have come to wisdom through it, and I have gained strength through it. I can't imagine a time when I will not want to write. What amazes me, still, is that I have an audience who choose to read my experiences. I hope you feel that I am a whole person - filled with excitement, fear, happiness, sadness, anxiety, curiosity, intelligence, humility, gratitude, stupidity, love, caring, simple thoughts, complex thoughts, and so much more. It's very hard to write a "whole" person and not try to put up a "mask" of the person we want people to see. I hope you have found the rawness of this writing for me, and my attempts to never hide who I really am, my flaws/defects included.

I hope this writing has helped and continues to help women and men finding themselves facing the unthinkable - time away from their loved ones for months or years. I will never say it is an easy experience. I wonder how long it will take for some of my walls of protection to fall away once I am out of here. Will I be able to get a full night's sleep once again? Will the sound of keys always make me jump just a bit? Will I be my old extroverted self (I've been called shy many times here - most recently by Red)? If you are facing this experience, though, you should prepare to get by just one day at a time. All the unknowns can hold you under and keep you down, don't let them. Try your best to make each day special. Take care of yourself - no one will do it for you. Learn a new craft. Learn new card games. Read a lot. Work an interesting job. Do an apprenticeship and/or take classes. Work out. Write (most people write letters, I was better at just writing this). Never forget to tell your loved ones that you miss and love them.

I will keep a journal of the upcoming days until I can write again. Once I can, I will type up my writings. I'm sure my observations will include the story, the humor, the chaos, the anticipation, the anxiety, the fear, the wonder, and so much more. So, stay tuned...