From Dragonfly: Not My Best Person

Let's face it, prison does NOT bring the best out. Lately, I've struggled with moodiness, anger, boredom, loneliness, selfishness, fatigue, hunger, fear, frustration, and more. Such emotions lead to bad choices. For example, I talked to my roommate about a situation, rather than going directly to the person. The person got angry, and I don't blame her. It's not my way, anymore, but all I can do is apologize and try to do better. I am definitely not the person I strive to be, while here in prison.

In recovery programs, we have this statement about HALT (Hunger, Anger, Loneliness, Tired)... these are the emotions we must be aware of and take care of, because they inevitably lead to our worst "defects." I struggle with these and so many other negative emotions here. My early focus on the positive waned... but I still have time to adjust and make every day a day of gratitude. I am alive, I am walking, I am breathing, I am not gambling, I am loving, I am cared for, I am intelligent, I am capable, I am cute, I am fed, I am housed, I am clothed, I am kind, I am helpful, I am helped, ... there is so much for me to focus on that is good, so I need to make the conscious effort to focus on the positive.

There are some things that bring me up. My daily breakfasts with Freckles has been one of the highlights of my time here, and has been a guiding force since I left my job. Instead of sleeping in, or being lazy, I get up and meet her and start my day right. It gets me moving. We talk about everything. We trust one another. Just yesterday, she was saying "thank you" to me for the breakfasts, when it's really been just as important, if not more so, for me.

I have not been as grateful for everything as I strive to be. I know how lucky I am to have so many people who love and care for me, yet I get caught up in the craziness of prison. I start to actually care what people here think of me; something I know is just nuts. Once you've been here for a certain amount of time, it becomes your normal, and you start to forget that this isn't "really" your life. You will leave here and go home, and that's your life. The chaos, gossip, craziness of prison is just a temporary experience for the vast majority of us.

I'm not sure how many more days I have here, but I make this promise to myself. I will make each day a better day than the one before. I will work on me. I will stay out of the drama. I will prepare for my time in the "real" world. I will laugh and enjoy friendship, and expect nothing from anyone else. I will try and do another round of letters with the ones who write me so often (I just can't always do it, and it is selfish of me to not write back more often!). Each day I will strive to be my best person.