This past week, the world became even smaller for another reader of this blog. Once again, it was her daughter that reached out to me. She and her mom read this blog and she told me it helped them prepare for her mom's self-surrender. My heart sang when I read that. Well, she informs me that her mom was placed in MY old bunk. Out of 1800+ bunks in the facility, this new woman is given my bed!!
The daughter wrote me because her mom is having a difficult time adjusting. It was her first week there, and we all go through that. Here's a bit of what I answered:
"The advice I would give her includes:
1) make a couple friends - safe to usually start with other self surrenders, or people transferred there from a camp. They are also non violent and have many of the same issues dealing with medical.
Tell her that she does not need to buy everything immediately and what she does buy, is for her only. Young folks and broke folks seek newbies to try and claim they are broke or hungry and take advantage of folks - especially older folks.
Keep her income no more than $300/mth. That way her frp will stay under $50. Tell her to transfer funds she isn't immediately using onto the phone, corlinks, and into her out account for saving. She can transfer corlinks and money in her out account back to her commissary account when she needs it.
She should buy a radio, but the mp3 just sucks money... Go with the cheapest radio. Most often it's used for watching tv and the basic one actually has the best reception.
If your mom can physically, she should try to walk the track every day for some activity and stress relief. There's a wonderful woman who teaches yoga in the rec. The rec center has a lot of craft classes, too. Most important is finding things to stay busy.
Since your mom is still in her orientation period, she will hear about "sex" and std's a lot. They try to scare folks from being "gay for the stay." It will calm down when she's past her first two weeks.
Her room is her safest place, and unit 1 North is the safest regular housing unit; so hanging out in the atrium is fine. She will meet others by going and sitting with folks watching tv."
I, also, gave some names of friends there for her to seek out for friendship and advice. Those first weeks are the toughest. We are not yet gone long enough to have acclimated to such a different life. Medically, we are neglected as we fight for our medications, stand in the awful pill line, and wait hours/days to be seen in the clinic. From the very start, we try to do whatever we can to get medically cleared and transferred to a camp. Most wait over 6 months to be cleared and another several months for transfer approval.
The entire experience can be very draining physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. Plus we are given the horrible advice of not to cry. So, we try to hold in all our overwhelming emotions. It's truly a recipe for disaster. At some point, most of us break, and we have a good cry. Acceptance comes after that.
Getting to acceptance is really key to getting out of that initial funk. Those of us who self-surrender usually do not have more than months to several years on the inside. Living one day at a time, being your own advocate, trying to keep yourself as healthy as possibly, and keeping busy, will make the time pass.
It's hard in there, but you do not have to become "hard" to endure it. A good cry with friends will help relieve tension. Check out books and get lost in their stories. Write family and friends. Visit religious services, if you seek spiritual connection. Sign up for ACE classes. Take a daily walk. Make an appointment to visit the salon (Cosmo school). Sign up for hobby craft classes. Play games in the rec. Watch sports or join in at outdoor rec. Find employment. There are options to keep your days busy. The best thing is that days end early - 9pm rack up time. So, once dinner is over, you are nearly at the end of the day and you are one day closer to going home.
For those on the outside, send lots of cards/mail/books. A nice journal from Amazon is a great gift. Send crossword or word seek magazines. Subscribe your loved one to their favorite magazines - people, us, cosmo, newsweek, entertainment weekly, reader's digest, tv guide, even the national enquirer are commonly seen at mail call. Letting your incarcerated loved one know that they are loved and cared about is incredibly important. Remember, you are going through this experience too, even though you are not incarcerated.
Everyone adjusts at different amounts of time. For some it's weeks, others months. Sometimes our medical condition makes adjustment very difficult; sometimes there are family issues on the outside that make it hard. Remember that no one can solve all their problems at once, so try to tackle just one thing at a time.
One day, you will be walking the compound and you'll realize that you are halfway through your sentence, that you are able to smile and laugh, that you have incredible friendships, and that you are stronger than you realized. It may be a brief moment, but it will happen. Try to make a list of things you are grateful for at the end of each day. In the morning, read that list before you start your day. You will survive this experience!
I hope the woman who sleeps on my old bunk feels some positive energy left by me. I pray she finds some comfort and that people are kind to her. I hope her medical issues are adequately addressed and she finds healthy ways to deal with the bureaucracy. While each day feels like a week, each week a month, each month a year, when you look back, you will realize those days, weeks, and months add up and, soon, you will be planning for home.
Thank you to the daughters who love their moms enough to help them through this experience. It is not easy on anyone, but knowing that someone cares enough to reach out for you usually goes on top of that daily grateful list!
:) you are a wonderful person!
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