Ouch

What a difference a day makes. The pain I feel in my back, neck, and shoulders is indescribable. I get up to do some stretches and the top bunk is too low for me to do so. I move to the cold, hard floor instead. I went to sleep without my medication and still no towel. I wish I could take a walk, but there's no where I can go to do so. I now see why I was not medically cleared for RRC/HWH.

6:45am is mandatory meeting time where they do a roll call and you let them know what meals you will eat here for the next 24 hours. I said, "lunch save," which means I may not be here for lunch at 11:45am. I went to the bubble to see about my meds - but none are approved still. I try to explain that my medication regiment is important, but there's nothing that can be done until someone approves them, and it's not her.

I wanted to make sure I wouldn't have difficulty getting my injection for my doc appt that morning, and she said, "your insulin?" I explained that it's not insulin and is very expensive medication. Turns out it made it to the fridge, but they didn't have the boxes handled correct side up. I was able to fix that. The woman in the bubble looked at me with eyes telling me to not ask any more questions. I walked away without any of my medications for the last 24 hours and said I'd be back at 7:30am to pick up my injection.

The 40 women here are averaging in their mid 20's. There are only a few other women here who kinda look about my age. The BOP folks, like me, all seem a bit older. This morning, one of the BOP folks told me that she just got there from Lexington. She knew Lola before Lola transferred to Carswell. Small world.

I put my blanket on the floor to do some stretching, but my body hurt too much and I could barely do anything. I pray some stuff gets answered today for me. Here's my list so far:

• Can I get a medical mattress?
• What will procedure to give myself my injections be?

Time out, my roommate is masturbating with herself and grunting loudly - never dealt with it quite that way in Carswell ---

• Can I have a towel?
• What does home confinement orientation include?
• How can I get on the public assistance website so I can sign up for health insurance?
• Can I attend a GA meeting?
• Can I go to the library?
• Can I have visitors?
• Can I have a bedside table/set of drawers like everyone else?

12:30pm. I am back from my doctor appointment and laying on the hard bunk I am assigned. I ate breakfast with Pink and Lexington. They both should be on home confinement, but this place is holding them - sounds familiar. Scares me a bit, but I need to put my future in god's hands and just get through today.

We have to bring a bright orange spork with us to every meal. We each get one. It is our spoon, fork and knife all in one. Breakfast was cereal and toast. I was given frosted flakes. No healthier options. Oh well.

T.S. was at the door when I came out of breakfast. She looks so good, gosh I missed her. I walked to the door to ask her if she brought me the clothes I requested. I then was screamed at - didn't know we couldn't approach the door. Anyway, my few items she brought were searched and I quickly headed to my room to change out of my greys - finally!!! No time for a shower - and I still don't have a towel anyway.

Outside, I was finally able to give T.S. a great big hug. I'm tired and worn out, so, I wasn't very engaging as T.S. drove me 1 1/2 hours to my doctor appt. I did get to put one quick Facebook post up - a self pic with "I'm back... sorta!" I'm not sure of the Internet rules, so I don't want to be online until I'm given permission to do so. Another thing I did was "unfriend" more than half the people on my Facebook. It's not that I don't want to be their friends anymore, I just want to wait until I know they choose to be a friend and not a hater. Those I know support me, I kept. I was especially glad I chose to do that BEFORE I stumbled on a bunch of negative comments from an earlier dragonfly hazel post. They judge me without really knowing the story, thinking I am not worthy of a second chance or being in school. I thought to myself, these people know nothing of who I am and if I chose not to tell them my deepest past secrets, then that was my right. I didn't lie, I used discretion and I chose to tell those I was closest to and trusted - isn't that what we all do? So, I decided I want my Facebook friends to be those who I can put into my circle of trust. I will share this site with them. I will happily add back those I took off, if they want to continue a friendship knowing all of me.

Meanwhile, while I am capable of deleting these past negative comments on my writings/feelings, I choose not to. Everyone has a right to their own opinions. People can think anything they want of me. They are obviously perfect human beings, never dealt with addiction, and never felt true desperation. As for me, I live with my mistakes, my crime, the reality of what I did, and I choose to try to do the next right thing. I did a lot of good things, even when I was destroying myself, but never was I proud of myself until I got into recovery, got healthy, and learned forgiveness - especially to forgive myself. I don't need anyone to like me, as long as I like myself. Luckily, I have an incredible community of support, who also practice love, compassion, forgiveness, kindness, and honesty. I think I'll keep my energy flowing in their direction.

So, we get to my doctor's appointment just in time. I am weighed - down like 45 lbs since I was here a year ago. Once I am in a patient room, I immediately say, "I just want to make sure you know, before you spend any time with me, that I don't yet have any health insurance..." It didn't seem a problem to them.

I answered all their pain/health questions I need to answer every time I'm here... I just got pulled into a meeting with my case worker, so more to report, but first back to my doctor appt... I'm asked if I have anything specific to address. I say, "many things, but today let's just concentrate on immediate needs..." I am to continue my medications, she gave me an update of my medical restrictions, and I'll come back in two months for a more thorough appointment.

So, we go through a typical visit, an hour long, and I give myself my enbrel injection in front of the nurse, and may medical record is updated. I got the form showing where I was and what I was doing signed, a copy of my medical needs, and went back to T.S. - they only charged me $10 for my visit!!!!

Driving back to the community facility (can't call it a HWH, because it is not one), I was better able to talk with T.S. as she drove. Gosh, I've missed her. We got me back to the facility 20 minutes before my "pass expiration" I waited at the door to be let in, pat down, stuff searched... I signed in and handed them my verification form. My case worker (CW) immediately requested my home phone bill - the phone that is a house phone with no call forwarding --- sporty had sent it in with T.S., so I was ready. Her asking for it meant she must be working on my file - that must be a good thing!

I head to my room to relax, first asking permission to go into my locker to put my personal items in there - health records, license, debit card, etc. About 20 minutes later, I was told to go see CW. I had to ask where to find her, I'm new after all. There is a "wing" to the building that is all administration and I found her office down that corridor.

Good news immediately - someone is heading toward where I live tonight, and if they can do the home visit, my time here will be way less. I asked if there's any possibility I could be home for the weekend - she said a slight one. I'll hold on to that hope! First, Sporty needs to be home when they show up tonight - she's busy being oriented for her new job, so I pray we can reach her in time. Also, I need to fill out a form that I'll have access to Sporty's car and Sporty will need to write a notarized letter, that I have permission to drive her car. So, there's lots to do immediately - I can handle that!

CW also told me that my intake will be tomorrow morning, but "you won't be expected to complete any programs..." She did read my file and saw she can't really hold me here medically. She is working to get me out of here! I will be meeting with the nurse as well tomorrow, but CW told me to not emphasize anything wrong with me, because I won't be there long enough for the nurse to do anything for me. Sweet words to my ears.

I signed a bunch of papers and asked the questions I had come up with that were still relevant. She told me she'd find me a second mattress and pillow. She was reluctant to give me a medical bed, because I'm LEAVING so soon... I am okay with that!

I told CW that I promised region/BOP that I'd sign up for health insurance through the ACA website within 24 hours. CW said, "well, that's not going to happen..." No access to internet here. I'll have to wait until I'm home.

Under home confinement, I will have to come to the institution every Monday and Thursday morning., I will need access to a vehicle - Sporty's. We'll work that out. I won't have any electronic monitoring. I will always have a 9pm curfew, except for work or school. I'll have to call in frequently and be home for their random calls on the home line. I can't go anywhere without advance approval.

CW asked me a bunch of questions. I asked if I am here for the weekend, could I attend a GA meeting. She said, "what's that??" I'm so used to that response, but this is a place of recovery, the serenity prayer is in the dining hall like 12 times, yet she doesn't know of GA. Such a misunderstood addiction!

When the meeting was over, I was happy on "hope," so I called T.S. She has plans but will cut them short to be home for the home visit if her mom can't be. She's such an amazing young woman! By the time I saw SW at the bubble that afternoon, both Sporty and T.S. had called her and said they'd be home. I also called survivor - I so miss her. I haven't seen her since she dropped me at the gate the first day. It was a short, but good, call.

SW helped me find a second tiny mattress and another flat pillow. Pink got me an old stained but clean towel. I'm not getting a chest of drawers/night stand, so be it. Home is closer now. I feel it.

Speaking of home, I finally reached Red's MIL. She had not gotten my message from yesterday - not sure why not. So, I start telling her about Red, the Marshalls, etc. She had no idea what I was talking about. She picked up Red at the bus and she's home now. I guess the Marshalls didn't show. She'll still take care of the charge, but she's home with her babies. That brings me so much peace!!

5pm. I was given access to my approved medications finally. Dinner consisted of a meat and macaroni dish that I can't quite describe (gross), carrots, cornbread, and 2 more slices of white bread.

Still more to write for the day... but taking a break... more entries to come asap.