The Comments

Okay, I can't help myself. I keep going back to those nasty comments - likely made by other students who I was not close to in my phd program. One comment said something like, "I hope you weren't referring to yourself as a hero..." and went on to bash me. I would think it was perfectly apparent that the hero was my former adviser, whom I had so much respect for. I know I have to just "let go" of the judgement and negativity toward me.

I wish I had some way to fully make whole what my actions took away from this world. The board of an amazing small organization made the decision to close the doors due to my embezzlement. There are victims - an entire community, my staff, etc., due to what I did. Are some acts just so unforgivable? If a former gang member who killed someone can turn their life around and do good in the world, can't I?

My journey to where I am today took me to depths of irrational thoughts and actions that are outrageous. However, I cannot change the past, not live in the past. All who believe I am unforgivable have a right to do so. However, I am not an enemy to my community because I did something wrong. Which would have been the bigger tragedy? To have followed through on the suicide my actions led me to believe was my only way out or for me to learn, grow, and give back every day so that someone else may never end up in the same desperation?

For those nay-sayers in this world, people who think that I could of/should of been able to control my actions knows nothing of addiction, of the depths of self-hatred that fuels the desperation. No matter how capable, smart, caring, or giving you are, addiction will make all the good disappear. Once in recovery, should people keep judging?

I've made amends to those I could, I'm paying restitution, and I try to give back to all my communities. I can never make whole what we lost. You can never make it worse for me than I make it for myself. I believe, though, in second chances. I believe that everyone can change if they want to. I surrendered myself to recovery and change. I became a PhD student after making those changes.

You can call me names, unfriend me, bad mouth me to others, gossip, kick me out of school, but what you cannot do is make me give up my recovery, my gratitude, my love of life, my real friends/family, my ability to smile, laughter, my desire to make the world just a bit better, my "paying it forward," or even my ability to separate who you are from the judgment you throw at me. I forgive all who demean me. I forgive all who judge me. I forgive all who intentionally choose to hurt me. My life has purpose and I will keep doing the next right thing no matter how many judge me, how many dead ends I cross, how many metal slabs I have to sleep on.

I'm actually glad the comments are there. They will always keep me humble and remind me that I did a terrible thing. I hurt an already vulnerable community. Sham me, throw stones, but, perhaps, in time, you can talk to me, hear my story, and maybe even you can discover forgiveness.