Was Prison What You Expected?

I get the question often, how did my prison experience match up with my preconceived thoughts of what the experience would be like? My answer: entirely different and worse.

My fears had me believing I'd be in a traditional cell with bars for a door and a toilet in the corner. That would have been horribly hard. So, I guess I'd say the prison environment was far better than my psyche had me prepared for. It was the emotional, mental, and physical toll that I hadn't imagined would be as difficult. It was the sights of seeing people suffering, the red tape no one could get through, the rudeness, the fights, the feeling of being treated like an animal - those are the things that made my experience worse than I expected.

The bonding I experienced with other inmates was nearly almost always started by the sharing of empathy about the outrageous ways we were treated and/or ignored. Perhaps it was a conversation about waiting for a full day to see a doctor, and never getting seen. Or, maybe, it was the fact that someone's roommate was threatening them. Maybe it was the experience of getting in trouble for something no one told you was wrong because only this C.O. has that rule. Maybe we bond over the fact that we have no table or chairs to sit in because they don't have enough for us all, or that someone stole something important to you. We sometimes first connected in a long email or chow line resulting in a half hour long conversation before finally getting access. Or for those in the pill line, a two hour conversation. We all bonded over our mutual unacceptable realities and our powerlessness to do anything about it. After all, we were the ones in khaki.

I guess in reality, I didn't have a clue of what to really expect at FMC Carswell. It's unique from all the other prisons. So many of us should have been in minimum security, but we were punished for having health concerns. Before I went, I had read about hospital style rooms. Those do exist, but only for the sickest. Our housing was like any cell block on most prison television shows - large, two floors, open atrium, loud, dirty, and overcrowded.

All that research I'd done prior to my self-surrender, and I didn't have that image in my head. I didn't have the image of how the CO's would treat us. I didn't have a real image of commissary, chow, or count time. I guess the truth is, until you experience it, there is no way to know what it will be like. The best preparation we can do is accept the unacceptable, be flexible, release control, and ensure we have safe and healthy outlets for the inevitable stress.

I guess I write this because if you are going to self-surrender, you need to get out of your head everything you think prison will be. Just prepare mentally and emotionally that you are walking into an unknown and you will learn to adapt to it. You will also bond with others facing similar circumstances and together you will support each other through the experience. It will be okay.