A Great Meeting

We have a saying in gambler's anonymous - 'there is no such thing as a bad meeting.' However, I will tell you, some meetings are better than others. Some meeting rooms are better than others. But, I do agree, no matter where I go to a meeting, I am always glad I went. I need the meetings and other people need me there. At first, all I did was listen and learn. Now, I listen, learn, and give back. The longer you are in the program, the more you can give back. It's the perfect example of paying it forward.

Anyway, tonight was the new meeting that we started a bit over a month ago. It's still small, but has a good energy and I'm excited to see some people trying to make it one of their regular meetings. I was worried tonight, though, that no one would show. Two of the other 'regulars' were unable to attend, and I wasn't sure of anyone else. Anytime two people are together, we call that a meeting, but someone by themselves, well, I call that sad. Ha.

Anyway, I was pleasantly surprised when two others were there early. It was just a meeting of three of us, but it was a truly great meeting! We spent a lot of time discussing step 1 and the ability to admit that we are compulsive gamblers and that our lives have become unmanageable. This disease is devious. You would think that someone who has lost their home from their gambling losses would be able to admit their problem and see that one's life is unmanageable, but our minds play tricks on us --- just one big win and all our problems can be solved. It an irrational way of thinking and living and what our addiction feeds off of.

One question I received was whether one has to hit the same "rock bottom" as I did or similar in order to be successful in the program. I have watched many, many people be successful in G.A. without having as severe consequences as mine. I've also met many people with more severe consequences as mine. The truth is that the only real "rock bottom" is death - there's always some more damage we could cause if we stay destroying our lives. I'll never forget what a Rabbi said that first Yom Kippur I was in recover during her sermon, "there's no rock bottom, you just stop digging." I truly believe that. However, the people who think they have not reached their "personal" rock bottoms may actually believe they NEED to do more damage to themselves, their families, and their communities before the ability to accept recovery. It's such a baffling and devious addiction.

Anyway, as the three of us went around with our therapies - and I won't share what was said - because what is said in the room stays in the room - but I will say that the honesty and openness was extremely powerful. When I gave my therapy, one member actually had a tear, when I inquired, I was told because of my strength or something like that. Usually, the tears in our rooms are because we are so broken emotionally, but tonight, the tears were because we are strong and capable.

This horrible addiction tries to take all the good out of us, but we can rebuild. We can be humble, gracious, honest, powerful, leaders, role models, givers, successful, meaningful, healthy, caring, and all the things that gambling and our addiction took away from us. We can be emotionally mature, we can have successful relationships, we can be good parents, we can own nice things, we can take incredible vacations, we can live humbly, we can donate to good causes, we can drive cars that are in working order, we can maintain our jobs, we can be promoted, we can pay our mortgage/rent, we can send our kids to college, we can qualify for a loan, we can rebuild our credit, we can join a gym, we can get married, we can move across the country, we can go back to school, we can write a book, we can maintain a blog,... there's so much we can do - as long as we stay in recovery and away from gambling one day at a time. How we do that - we keep going to meetings.

I know that most of the readers of this blog are not compulsive gamblers, nor do you struggle with any addiction, but I imagine you all know someone who does. I truly believe that addiction is addiction and the kind of addiction is the symptom (that's why cross-addiction happens so easily), the disease is the emotional illness and issues that lead to the need to escape reality and/or need some action in one's life. Addicts are unable to live life on life's terms - control (like I talked about in yesterday's blog), and inability to accept things are common issues among addicts. They have shown that compulsive gambler's brains have similar reactions to alcoholics and drug addicts when in action. It's not the form of addiction, it's the inability to say "no." Willpower is impossible for any addict. Please do not tell an addict to just "stop," it doesn't work. Someone who does not get "help" for the addiction will not get better - a dry drunk is still a drunk - sooner or later under the right set of circumstances - they will likely take that first sip of alcohol, that first gulp, that first bottle. For the gambler, it's the first bet, the first $20, the first $100... right back to where they were before they stopped. Perhaps the 12-step program does not work for everyone, but there are many, many recovery programs out there. Addicts need help BUT they need to WANT the help. No one can force someone into recovery. For me, I surrendered. I don't know if there's another way - although I hear, "fake it until you make it," works for some (meaning, keep going to meetings until something clicks with you). Okay, I digressed with this paragraph, but I want readers of this blog to try to be a good friend/ relative to those in their lives who struggle with addiction. Importantly, though, I truly believe you should not help the addict with the addictive behavior - do not provide them money, do not bail them out, etc - make them face their consequences. It may be hard, but if you enable their addiction, they will not be able to get to the a point of surrender. Tough love toward an active addict is the best way to love them. Once they are trying to get healthy, then be there for them in every way possible. If you would have given them money, but held back because of their addiction, save it to help pay for their rehab or to spend time with them. Be there when it is a healthy relationship. You need to make sure you always take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else. [steps off soap box].

Well, tonight was a great meeting and it led to this pitiful blog post. I imagine many more of you are interested in the life and times of a felon, than one of a recovering compulsive gambler. I am both these things and many more. I cannot separate the identities I have. I've made many, many mistakes in my life. They started when I was young and unable to understand the decisions/choices I was making. Each led to another and those led to my being a compulsive gambler and that led me to make the worst mistake of my life and hurt everyone I cared about and a community that had been my home. Today, it leads me to want to go into Criminal Justice and help others who may find themselves on a doorstep not so different than my own. While I hate what compulsive gambling did to my life and the people I hurt, I am actually glad that I am one - because it has made me a better person and has given me the insight into the lives of so many people that are misunderstood in our societies. I was saying at the meeting tonight that we have no recovering gambler role models. There are AA and NA role models in the world. However, there are no well-known GA role models. People don't understand our addiction. Maybe I can be one of the hundreds of thousands of people that can help make that change. Yep, it was a great meeting tonight.