You'd Do That For Me?

I guess prison really did change me. Before I went, I still had fear of authority. Before I went, I would reluctantly walk up to a professor and insecurely tell them my thoughts hoping they'd think them worthy. Before I went, I feared judgement and belonging and looking over my shoulder and complications and enemies and lies and the truth and losing everything and well... I guess I just was full of fear. 

Maybe the biggest change in me is my lack of fear. Today, I do not fear authority. I walked right up to the director of my academic program, talked access to research with him, and he said, "I'm going to look into that for you." I said, "you'd do that for me?" (All that time in prison, I forgot that people in authority roles really do go out of their ways to help others), and I think I made a good collegial relationship with a very important colleague.

Then, I went directly to a female faculty's office that I want to be on my thesis committee, introduced myself, and we are having coffee together next week. I suppose that's how it's all supposed to happen. I feel as if I'm exuding a confidence I never had in the past - even though I know less about the exact subject matter than in the past, I know how to be a researcher and an academic.

I know where I belong. I am excited to know that the research I may be doing could potentially help many women involved in the federal justice system. Wouldn't it be something if all this experience turned out to help me change the lives of accused and/or convicted female offenders? 

I wish I could share some of this happiness and what is happening with my friends back at Carswell. I wonder how they are all doing. Some may have successfully been transferred by now. Others may still be fighting the system. I wonder who is sick and who is getting out. I pray Taz is well. I imagine Lola and Jin are well at the camp. Is it possible that one of Appeals appeals have won? How much longer does Glitter have? Is Nurse and Cali back in California now? Has Mama seen and/or talked to her boys? Did Curls find a new job? Did they figure out what was wrong with Taz? Has my bunky finally been released? So many women cross my mind. I may not be allowed to reach out to them, but that does not mean I forget.

If I could, I'd let them know that I'm doing what I can to make a difference - one day at a time. It's going to take me years for the degree, but my research will hopefully be useful and help women in the future. All I have right now are my prayers. I'll be doing that for you!