A Whole Week

I can't believe I allowed almost a full week to pass without my writing. I was up until after midnight every night making the most beautiful montage of my grandmother. The funeral was Monday and we drove back home yesterday. It was very hard emotionally. Yet, the real emotions were between my mother and her siblings who were on edge with one another the entire time. It broke my heart that I really didn't see them being able to support one another at all this weekend. Well, my aunt and uncle supported one another, but they were pitted against my mom, who was putting all of us up in her two bedroom condo, which also served as the location of the shiva, and everyone was on top of one another. The tension was heavy and I was extremely grateful for my montage project that allowed me to put earplugs in and escape from it all. In fact, everyone supported my project fully and the end result was well worth it. The montage included footage of video from my grandmothers 1945 wedding and honeymoon, family picnics through the years, and a lifetime of photos. She was beautiful, stylish, and oh so loved and the montage showed it all. Married at 18 and spending 52 years with my grandfather before his death almost 20 years ago, and then succumbing to Alzheimers in the last decade, my grandma had strength, wisdom, and a sense of ingenuity that could not be matched by many. It was a privilege to be her granddaughter. I may not have always matched her expectations, but I knew she loved me and I have so many warm memories of her throughout my childhood and beyond.

We all have those mistakes in our lives we wish to erase. I choose to try to integrate them all into who I am and the lessons I've learned. For my grandma, though, after my grandfather passed, we thought it was a fairy tale... a man she dated from high school came back into the picture and kinda swept her off her feet. He wanted to marry her, move her to Florida, promised her travel, fun, and that she would no longer have to work. Well, she did not work anymore, but they barely traveled and he enjoyed living on my grandmother's money, and he did not inform my family that my grandma was starting to show signs of memory issues. I guess he was enjoying his new life with her too much. Six years ago, when he had to come back up north for surgery, my grandma lived with my mom briefly, we all realized how bad she had gotten, started to process their divorce, realized what the guy had done to her financially, and we have never seen or heard from him or his family again. Although her last name was changed to his, she is buried with my grandfather's last name - the name of her true love and name of more than 52 years. As her memory was leaving her, she would talk all the time of my grandfather. She never remembered that she ever had a short second marriage. I'm so grateful that she didn't remember that mistake in her life.

Today, I was supposed to take a midterm exam. This was an impossible task. I simply could not be prepared for such an exam. I had no time to do anything for myself over the last week. My professors are super understanding and the one giving my midterm extended the exam until Monday morning for me. That will give me this weekend to prepare. Perfect. In the meantime, I have several papers also to be working on and a lot of reading to catch up on. I hate missing classes, it always just gets me behind on my work and means a lot more time to make sure I am prepared for the next class. This weekend will be very busy. Tomorrow, I have to concentrate on getting a lot of work caught up at work. Today, though, was low key. I had to take care of myself, make sure my body got the rest it needed, and relieve the stress of the week. Living with chronic illness demands that sometimes I have days like today so that I can have weeks like the one I just had. Tomorrow, I move forward, carrying the knowledge that my four birth grandparents are now all looking down on me and smiling with the knowledge that I am not being defined by my mistakes, but by how I am moving forward despite them all.