An Offender in the Classroom

There is an offender in the classroom. Everyone sits around the table, talking about what causes crime, why people commit crimes, how to best understand the dilemma of criminal justice and we talk about person "x" - those people, those juveniles, those 'others' who have gone through or who will go through our systems of justice. I'm likely not the only one. Sure, some others have gone to court for traffic violations. Perhaps, there are some who faced the realities of our criminal justice system when they were young, or by watching family members stand before the court and/or hugged them goodbye as their family member left them for prison. There are a million reasons these incredibly smart colleagues of mine chose to seek graduate study in criminal justice.

I see everything I learn from the lens of an offender. I see it from the lens as a recovering addict. I see it from the lens of someone who still knows so many people who are away and who talks with other women facing the reality in the future. I'm not just a researcher, I am one of us, one of them... My professor said to a fellow student tonight about conducting research, "the women are all on probation or parole and you are not," and I am sitting in my chair thinking, "well, for me, I am!" I am on supervision. I am who we study. I am also the researcher. I can separate my role of researcher from the research I am conducting, but it does not change my identity. I am a felon who is on supervision.

When my colleagues learn about my history, which will occur at some point (I am not living the double life anymore), I often wonder what kind of reaction I will receive. Will they look back on their discussions and think about the assumptions they made over the prior weeks? Will they feel less comfortable with me because of my background? Will I become an n=1? (One of my professors referred to me last week as an N=1). N=1 means refers to sample size and we as researcher always try for as large a sample size as possible. A sample size of 1 is not at all generalizable - it's one person's story and cannot be explained for anyone else in society. It's once you study a large group of people that you can see patterns and start to understand behaviors...

Anyway, as a convict in a criminal justice program, I am essentially an N=1 when it comes to white collar crime, federal prison experience, experience with federal prisons and chronic illness, federal supervision, felons and graduate school, yadda yadda yadda... in fact, it would be difficult to find too many other "N's" that would be in similar situations as me. Sure, we can study women with white collar crimes, but it would be much lower for those with chronic illnesses as well... in fact the "N" would make the study non-generalizable because you want studies with thousands of similarly situated people if you can... that leaves us with more qualitative research methods, which I enjoy anyway. Plus, my own background can come "into" qualitative research methods moreso than quantitative research methods - I can reveal my background - which is important because I need to reveal it so my research is not criticized for lack of disclosure.

I suppose, this all comes down to the reality that as an offender in the classroom, and as an offender who is a researcher in criminal justice, there is a constant reality of knowing who I am matters when in comes to the work I do and how I interpret what I am reading and doing. I will need to look if there is anything out there about offenders as grad students... if not....hmmmm

I'm so happy to be a grad student. I am learning so much. I have so much to give as well. I belong here still. So, glad I took the risks to get myself back in. Fear would only have stopped me from trying. Maybe my N=1 will help others and one day there will be 2, then 5, and maybe someday there will be 100, and perhaps a real study could be done about us - maybe one day my story won't matter because it will already exist. Something to ponder.