When I Feel Limited

Tonight, I officially feel like I'm in custody again. I received one of those calls you never want to receive. My grandma is ill. She has Alzheimer's and we've slowly watched her deterioration over the last 6+ years. For some families, it can be 20+ years. I guess we can be seen as lucky in that regard, although we certainly do not feel lucky. The person my grandma once was is no longer there. She kinda looks like the same person, but she recognizes no one and remembers nothing. She doesn't even remember what foods she enjoys. When I saw her last week, she was still laughing and talking, but she was forgetting how to walk. I told her I love her and she told me she loved me, but I knew that she didn't know who I was. She was always a great actress. I do love her, though.

My grandma was officially put on hospice tonight. It won't be long. My mother told me to come in as soon as I can. I will. If I can. I've left two messages about unrelated things for my P.O. in the last week. I haven't heard back. I dropped off two documents for my P.O. yesterday, he wasn't in. I tried calling my P.O. tonight when I got the news, his voicemail is full and I couldn't leave a message. I couldn't even hear his message where he leaves the "emergency" number, because it is full. Tomorrow, I will have to search for another number to the local office somewhere on the web. I hope it's not too hidden. It seems my P.O. may be on vacation or something.

I can't go to my grandma if I don't get permission. Also, there's always the possibility that since she's likely to pass quickly, my P.O. may limit how long I can go and I will only be able to go in for the funeral. Since we are Jewish, there's the sitting shiva piece... our funerals don't last just one day... I wonder if my P.O. has ever had a Jew on his caseload... something tells me that given where we are located and the low percentage of Jewish people in federal custody, it's not very likely. We shall see what is and what is not permitted. I know my P.O. does not distrust me and I know he has a heart, but he follows protocol. I have no idea of the protocol if he's not in town or off.

I want to be there specifically to relieve some of the tension from my mom and step-dad. I don't want my grandma at the hospital alone and confused as she is going through this. My parents have a lot to do and they also have to work as they will only get some time off for the funeral. I have the weekend off, they do not. I can study there. This is what we do for family and it's one of the reasons I chose to go to school within a couple hours drive of where my family lives.

Wouldn't you know it, though, that this all happened on the day that Sporty and I started our elimination diet. All day we've been eating nothing but limited fruits, limited vegetables, some tuna for lunch, etc. No caffeine, no beef/no chicken/no pork, no beans, no gluten, no grains for me, no nightshade veggies, no to so many foods... and now, instead of completing my two weeks of this elimination diet and then slowly reintroducing foods, I'm going to be traveling and back with my family which means - we need to put this elimination diet on hold. Our headaches and other effects of getting through day 1 will have to happen all over again in a couple weeks when we start all over again. In honor of my grandma, though, I'll keep with her tradition. She always said to avoid "white foods." Those were her words on how she always stayed so thin. She said, "I never put anything white in my mouth." Ha, she cracks me up. I look forward to seeing her soon and telling her one more time, "I love you!"