Mandatory Counseling

When the Judge sets your sentence, there are usually several additional provisions given that only pertain to your post prison sentence and are part of your supervision. For me, my Judge put mandatory counseling on my paperwork. This was put there because the Prosecutor requested it and the Judge pretty much went 100% with the Prosecutor's recommendations in my case.

My PO put me in for counseling at the one place they send all their supervisees --- the local catholic charities nonprofit organization --- perfect place to send a nice Jewish girl. That's okay - a good organization is a good organization. Anyway, it took until today for me to have my intake (four month wait), and I made my way there to fill out all the release papers and spend an hour with the assigned counselor, who was quite nice.

I opened up immediately. I have nothing to hide. I nicely shared my story and my recovery. I shared my experiences of prison, life in Carswell, continued support through GA, and life in school, etc. As we started to get toward the end of my session, the counselor said that she could not come up with any goals for my counseling. In the end, she said, "I really do not see a reason for you to be in counseling at this time." I had to agree, but I said I would continue if it is court ordered.

The counselor said she would call my PO and tell him that she did not see a reason for counseling. She said that she would also write something up for my PO about why she felt I did not need to continue counseling. So much of what I needed counseling for I did prior to my federal charges. The Prosecutor put in my paperwork that he thought I needed the counseling because back in 2008, when my life was in total chaos, I was suicidal and broken. Six years later, I am strong and aware of my addiction, and the "whys." I like myself today. I am as far from suicidal as I ever have been in my life. That doesn't even come close... I am just not suicidal at all. I am strong. I am okay with judgement. I am okay with the fact that I am far from perfect. I love many. I am loved. Life is good. Life is not perfect. I am okay no matter what. In the past, none of that was true.

I believe in counseling. Had I not had five years of regular, intensive counseling, in addition to my GA recovery, I would not be able to be the person I am today. I am SO grateful to the program that gave me nearly free counseling and the woman who was a superb counselor and who really, really got me and challenged me in just the right ways. I felt safe and there's no way I held back. I grew and I finally understood that I was not "broken." I forgave many. I forgave myself. I let go. I came to acceptance.

It's just that today I don't need that kind of counseling - not that I won't in the future. Everyone goes through ups and downs. I shared exactly where my life is today, and the counselor just saw a fairly well-balanced person. I certainly still have my good and bad days. I certainly still have anxieties. Overall, though, I am okay. She sensed that. I did not ask to be taken out of counseling. I'm okay having someone sit and listen to me. I love to talk... I was happy, though, to hear her say that there was not a necessity that she could see for me to keep coming. It means that I must be continuing to do something right on my journey of recovery and hope. It's always good to have these check-ins.

Ultimately, my PO and the new local Judge will decide if I have to go to counseling or if I can stop. If they want me to keep going, I will set aside an hour every other Wednesday and be there for the exchange of ideas. I can always learn something and, if anything, I can tell that the counselor was willing to learn more about gambling addiction from me. That happens a lot - we end up teaching about our addiction when we are the successful people to actually be in recovery from it. Whatever happens is fine. Once again, we never know why we are where we are - maybe someone will see this counselor that needs GA and she will remember me and the meeting we started and she will send them our way... maybe that is why I needed to be there today or two weeks from today, or even longer. Maybe, I will learn something I need in my life. Whatever happens is fine. All I have is time to find out.