A New Direction

Sometimes writing something really sticks with me and that happened this past week. I wrote that I needed to stop trying to catch up with who I was before I went away and start being who I am today. I was reminded just yesterday, that's what living one day at a time is all about. Perhaps since my prison release, I've actually been failing in my own recovery beliefs and so caught up in it, I didn't even realize it.

This is why recovery is a journey and a lifelong act. No matter how long we are clean and/or sober, there is always work we can be doing on ourselves. No one can force this on us, we need to see it for ourselves and want to do the work.

So, what does being who I am today mean? Well, I still want to be a professor and I'm proud to be going into criminal justice. However, I'm going to stop being sad that I am spending time in Master's courses, because that is obviously where I need to be right now in order to learn what I need to know. I start the new application into the official doctoral program this week and two of my professors from this semester are writing me letters of support. My other letters of recommendation are coming from my former fellowship supervisor and my undergraduate professor/mentor. I know it will be a strong application. I will start writing my personal statement this week.

My next thing is to manage my time better. I've spent way too much time running around chasing my past. I need time with family and friends and much more time by myself. I need time to workout and to try to get back into shape. I learned in prison to wake up earlier, so I should take advantage of mornings and make sure I get a good night's sleep.

I need to plan out my studying like a job. No more cramming and late nights. I'm not 20-something. I've been too hard on my body since getting out of prison. Pushing it to far. I need to be kinder to myself. I need a study schedule that I stick to that is a priority that not only I respect, but that Sporty and T.S. know and therefore can respect as well- like another job. I'm working toward a PhD- very important.

I need to schedule in some time for friends, card writing, and just keeping in touch. I know the importance of letters and cards and phone calls and it's my turn to pay it forward. I need to schedule that in as well. 

I'm not calling this a New Years resolution, it's what I am doing because I need to do it for me! This is who I am today. It's a little different than who I was before I went away. Prison changes us. We don't know all the ways and I'll write about some of that later. For now, I just needed to reflect on how I need to let me be me now, and stop trying to be me then.