Every day, as I sit outside my case manager's office, I see the women enter and leave her office. We all just want to get out of here - some to transfer to a different facility, some to halfway house, some just across the street, and some to home confinement or home at the end of their sentence. No matter what, we stand there, waiting, for her attention to tell us our next steps and hear news. Often, many of us leave with frowns. No new news. No known next steps. Just wait.
However, today, I watched many people with smiles. Two women got news that they are being transferred to other facilities. A couple people learned that they will be transferred across the street, to the camp. Among those people, Lola was one of them. That means that before I even leave the prison, Lola will be safely across the street, with no fences. They have a puppy program, and she hopes to be given the opportunity to train a puppy. She'd be great at that. For the longest time, we had imagined her walking me out of here, but instead it will be me, walking her out.
I left with a frown. No new news on how processing my exit is going. My case worker called someone at the region I should have been processed through. They need to call her back. It's the first time we actually reached anyone, so that's progress.
On news about my dad, there's no update. He's home resting. The docs haven't received all his results yet. He'll have a game plan for treatments to extend life on May 15th (if there are any). His voice sounds better. I just hope his hope holds out too.
I will keep going, every day, to my case manager's office for an update. It's the only thing I have the ability to do. I will see many of the same faces that walked out with frowns today, as well. One day, each of us will be the one's with smiles.
A blog about a woman sentenced to one year and one day in a federal women's prison camp and was sent to FMC Carswell for a crime related to her history of compulsive gambling.
Highlights
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Friday, May 2, 2014
Thursday, May 1, 2014
From Dragonfly: Sore from One End to the Other
When I was on the outside, I was told that I should exercise, even if it hurts. Since everything hurts, the docs recommended walking and swimming. I keep going to look for a swimming pool, here, but alas I have yet to find one. So, walking is what I have been doing. On an almost daily basis, I walk around the track. Some say 4x around is a mile, some say 5x. I don't walk fast, but I walk what I can - sometimes two laps, sometimes six. I usually walk with a friend, sometimes on my own.
As I wrote yesterday, I decided to try the yoga video for people with arthritis. Now I know exactly why I was recommended walking and swimming, and not other types of exercise. OUCH! I think every joint I have is inflamed at the moment. Obviously, when you start in yoga, you find muscles you didn't even know you had, but these are not my muscles hurting. It is all joints.
The thing that sucks the most about this, is that I really enjoyed doing the workout. I went with Cali and it's always better to have a "workout buddy," than to go it alone. She even chose to do my video with me. I learned poses - like Warrior I and Warrior II; Standing Mountain was by far the easiest. I enjoyed part of the warm-up, the standing poses, and the reclining poses. The video shows ways to do it with a chair, which would help some with bad balance (like myself), but we don't have chairs in there. So, I grabbed a large blow up "thingy" and used that to help with my balance. It worked. Until last night, when the expressions on my face led everyone to wonder what the heck was wrong with me... "ouch."
Red asked me to avoid the yoga today and to just try it on days I'm getting my injection or just after. It's not a bad idea. I don't know if my injection will help, but perhaps it would. I just got an injection on Monday, though, so a Wednesday workout should be close enough. It sucks when you no longer can make the healthiest decisions concerning your body. I want to be active. I want to run. I can never really run again. At least, that's what the doctor's and websites about my condition, say. I watch softball, kickball, and basketball. I can not play any of the three. I used to play all three. Well, I "could" play anything I want, but paying the price right away during/after, is just not good decision making.
Anyway, it is not going to stop me from trying to be more active. Even if I don't do a video today, I will go with Cali to Inside Rec this morning. I can just do some stretching, or basic mat exercises I learned in physical therapy back home. There's are exercise balls that I know some exercises for. There are steps, where I can continue to strengthen my walking up/down stairs. There are 1 pound weights, that I can use for toning - although I prefer my exercise band for that purpose (it's working, too!). It's been a long, long time since I've been active. I'm going to keep trying to find the right exercises and even stick with the yoga if I can, because being active feels good, even if my joints hate me for doing it!
As I wrote yesterday, I decided to try the yoga video for people with arthritis. Now I know exactly why I was recommended walking and swimming, and not other types of exercise. OUCH! I think every joint I have is inflamed at the moment. Obviously, when you start in yoga, you find muscles you didn't even know you had, but these are not my muscles hurting. It is all joints.
The thing that sucks the most about this, is that I really enjoyed doing the workout. I went with Cali and it's always better to have a "workout buddy," than to go it alone. She even chose to do my video with me. I learned poses - like Warrior I and Warrior II; Standing Mountain was by far the easiest. I enjoyed part of the warm-up, the standing poses, and the reclining poses. The video shows ways to do it with a chair, which would help some with bad balance (like myself), but we don't have chairs in there. So, I grabbed a large blow up "thingy" and used that to help with my balance. It worked. Until last night, when the expressions on my face led everyone to wonder what the heck was wrong with me... "ouch."
Red asked me to avoid the yoga today and to just try it on days I'm getting my injection or just after. It's not a bad idea. I don't know if my injection will help, but perhaps it would. I just got an injection on Monday, though, so a Wednesday workout should be close enough. It sucks when you no longer can make the healthiest decisions concerning your body. I want to be active. I want to run. I can never really run again. At least, that's what the doctor's and websites about my condition, say. I watch softball, kickball, and basketball. I can not play any of the three. I used to play all three. Well, I "could" play anything I want, but paying the price right away during/after, is just not good decision making.
Anyway, it is not going to stop me from trying to be more active. Even if I don't do a video today, I will go with Cali to Inside Rec this morning. I can just do some stretching, or basic mat exercises I learned in physical therapy back home. There's are exercise balls that I know some exercises for. There are steps, where I can continue to strengthen my walking up/down stairs. There are 1 pound weights, that I can use for toning - although I prefer my exercise band for that purpose (it's working, too!). It's been a long, long time since I've been active. I'm going to keep trying to find the right exercises and even stick with the yoga if I can, because being active feels good, even if my joints hate me for doing it!
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
From Dragonfly: The Game Never Ends
Sometimes, once you've jumped through so many "hoops," you think, okay, that's it, I'm done... The game never ends, though. There's always another road block or hoop... just get used to it. Accept that fact. Stay on course. Advocate for yourself - no one else here will!
I write this because we know how hard it was for me to finally get my exit paperwork completed. Then, we know how many mazes I needed to find my way out of to get approval for home confinement. Then, we know I've been doing the waiting game on when will region send back my paperwork --- with my choosing to check in with my case manager on a very regular basis. We are told to wait 45 days from when our paperwork is sent, but some regions only average 26 days, and I'm so close to the date that I needed to see if we could get the process moving. My case manager never complained, she'd look on the computer and say, "not back yet..."
Yesterday was 36 days from when the paperwork was sent. I once again waited in line to find out if my home confinement date of May 28th has been processed by region. While I waited in line, another inmate, who is with me almost every time I am seeing my case manager, came to tell me the update on her wait... She is to be going to halfway house on May 6th. Her paperwork was sent a week prior to mine. She hadn't heard anything. Turns out, her paperwork was never actually mailed. I'm not sure who failed to send it, but now they need to send it off and expedite it. Her sister already checked the halfway house, beds are available... they just need the paperwork processed. A story like hers is not irregular here. We all have so much difficulty getting out.
So, then it was my turn. Once again, my case worker was incredibly kind. She looked up my computer record. "Nothing yet..." It's been over a month, though, so she said, "let's email them..." She looks up my state. Turns out my state has two regional offices - one for the eastern side of the state and one for the western side of the state. She doesn't know whether the right office received my paperwork... so she emailed them... "I hope I sent the paperwork to the right address..." I wish we had known this issue a month ago - because if the wrong region received my paperwork, it could be a couple more weeks to get it processed by the right region. I pray not. I need to go home.
Going home, though, is going to be more of a process than I had realized. Even though I was told that I medically could not go to halfway house, I have to still go "through" the halfway house to home. So, instead of going home, I will spent 2-14 days (approx.) at a halfway house first. I will have to go through orientation. I am not sure why, if I was not allowed to go to halfway house, I am still required to spend time in one. I should have been at the halfway house, going through orientation already and heading home on or before the 28th of May. Now, I will have to go to the halfway house during my home confinement period. Seems really backward. Hasn't that been my entire experience here?
It's hard to not get frustrating at all the bureaucracy. Thank god I can spend some time relaxing and clearing my brain of the chaos. I always feel better after that. I am also starting a video program today, called "Yoga for Arthritis." I'm going to see if it helps me relax even better. It's the only work out video they offer here for people with medical issues (except wheel chair aerobics). Cali wants me to go to the rec center and work the video every morning - while she does a crazy video called Extremes or something like that. Ah, to be fully able-bodied. We'll see how today goes... I'm down over 30 pounds now without doing much for trying, so maybe this will help take off another few before I head back north.
This afternoon, I will be back at my case manager's office. We will see if she received an email back. Steps will be taken depending on what we hear. I will not give up hope that I am leaving here on May 28th. I still have 27 days and wake up to make it happen!
I write this because we know how hard it was for me to finally get my exit paperwork completed. Then, we know how many mazes I needed to find my way out of to get approval for home confinement. Then, we know I've been doing the waiting game on when will region send back my paperwork --- with my choosing to check in with my case manager on a very regular basis. We are told to wait 45 days from when our paperwork is sent, but some regions only average 26 days, and I'm so close to the date that I needed to see if we could get the process moving. My case manager never complained, she'd look on the computer and say, "not back yet..."
Yesterday was 36 days from when the paperwork was sent. I once again waited in line to find out if my home confinement date of May 28th has been processed by region. While I waited in line, another inmate, who is with me almost every time I am seeing my case manager, came to tell me the update on her wait... She is to be going to halfway house on May 6th. Her paperwork was sent a week prior to mine. She hadn't heard anything. Turns out, her paperwork was never actually mailed. I'm not sure who failed to send it, but now they need to send it off and expedite it. Her sister already checked the halfway house, beds are available... they just need the paperwork processed. A story like hers is not irregular here. We all have so much difficulty getting out.
So, then it was my turn. Once again, my case worker was incredibly kind. She looked up my computer record. "Nothing yet..." It's been over a month, though, so she said, "let's email them..." She looks up my state. Turns out my state has two regional offices - one for the eastern side of the state and one for the western side of the state. She doesn't know whether the right office received my paperwork... so she emailed them... "I hope I sent the paperwork to the right address..." I wish we had known this issue a month ago - because if the wrong region received my paperwork, it could be a couple more weeks to get it processed by the right region. I pray not. I need to go home.
Going home, though, is going to be more of a process than I had realized. Even though I was told that I medically could not go to halfway house, I have to still go "through" the halfway house to home. So, instead of going home, I will spent 2-14 days (approx.) at a halfway house first. I will have to go through orientation. I am not sure why, if I was not allowed to go to halfway house, I am still required to spend time in one. I should have been at the halfway house, going through orientation already and heading home on or before the 28th of May. Now, I will have to go to the halfway house during my home confinement period. Seems really backward. Hasn't that been my entire experience here?
It's hard to not get frustrating at all the bureaucracy. Thank god I can spend some time relaxing and clearing my brain of the chaos. I always feel better after that. I am also starting a video program today, called "Yoga for Arthritis." I'm going to see if it helps me relax even better. It's the only work out video they offer here for people with medical issues (except wheel chair aerobics). Cali wants me to go to the rec center and work the video every morning - while she does a crazy video called Extremes or something like that. Ah, to be fully able-bodied. We'll see how today goes... I'm down over 30 pounds now without doing much for trying, so maybe this will help take off another few before I head back north.
This afternoon, I will be back at my case manager's office. We will see if she received an email back. Steps will be taken depending on what we hear. I will not give up hope that I am leaving here on May 28th. I still have 27 days and wake up to make it happen!
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
From Dragonfly: Friends
Friendships are very temporary in prison. People come and go - some are forgotten, some never are. Today, my friend whose bus ticket didn't work 10 days ago is once again leaving. She's one that will never be forgotten, at least by me and many other people.
As much as friend's go, new people arrive daily. Some you immediately 'click' with, others you don't. In just these past couple weeks, I have gotten close to a new handful of people - Cali, Smiles, and a few others. They are just beginning their journeys, while mine is near it's end. I will see if I am allowed to keep in touch, but I know the rules while on home confinement/supervision are very strict about who we can and who we cannot communicate with. Even if I can't send them letters/email, they will be on my mind. I'll be praying that they can go closer to home and that they are out sooner than initially expected. Cali has big dreams - law school, helping others... she needs to be out there and not in here! She's an idealist - reminds me of myself a bit, when I also chased similar dreams.
I spend my nights, now, still with Lola at the Rec, playing RummyKube. Then I am in my unit, and I spend time with my unit friends. I made a game yesterday - a question game. It sits in a box that once housed Gefilte Fish from Passover. So, we call the game "Gefilte Fish" which makes us all laugh. The questions are "getting to know you" type about all kinds of issues. Everyone is enjoying playing it - at one point we had 9 of us sitting on chairs under the staircase playing yesterday. Some women only wanted to answer questions about sex, but there were questions like, "who would you like to meet from history," or "if you could plan the perfect dinner party, who would you invite," or "describe your best friend," or "if you could work any profession, what would it be and why?" Of course, there are questions about body and sexuality, but it is balanced with so many other types of questions. It is kind of like a board game called "Cowgirls," that I play with my best friends back home. I have a feeling we will have many evenings of playing Gefilte Fish and laughing as we get to know one another even better.
If you are headed in to prison, don't worry about friends. It will happen. There are so many different kinds of women here. We all mesh with someone. Even the ones that seem to have severe mental health issues, have friends. If you are not wanting to be friends with people who are unlike you, well, there are people here just like you. It's very diverse in prison, and you will find yourself someone you can spend time with. It's something you really do not need to worry about.
it's 27 days and a wake up now for me (and for Red). Red has her travel plans already, I'm still waiting for my papers back from region. A young woman who is supposed to leave in under two weeks, hasn't received her papers back yet. Stories like those scare me. We both stand often at our case manager's door, waiting for a moment to check --- "Are they here yet?" Then our brains inevitably go to those bad places, "What if they never received our papers?" "What if I won't be released on that day?" What if, what if, what if... The waiting game is hard.
However, even as I wait, I am not alone in my waiting. People are here to support us and understand what we are going through. Friendship happens in prison. Laughter happens in prison. Support happens in prison. A little game called "Gefilte Fish" may even bring new people into your circle. It helps make the wait to leave a little less stressful.
As much as friend's go, new people arrive daily. Some you immediately 'click' with, others you don't. In just these past couple weeks, I have gotten close to a new handful of people - Cali, Smiles, and a few others. They are just beginning their journeys, while mine is near it's end. I will see if I am allowed to keep in touch, but I know the rules while on home confinement/supervision are very strict about who we can and who we cannot communicate with. Even if I can't send them letters/email, they will be on my mind. I'll be praying that they can go closer to home and that they are out sooner than initially expected. Cali has big dreams - law school, helping others... she needs to be out there and not in here! She's an idealist - reminds me of myself a bit, when I also chased similar dreams.
I spend my nights, now, still with Lola at the Rec, playing RummyKube. Then I am in my unit, and I spend time with my unit friends. I made a game yesterday - a question game. It sits in a box that once housed Gefilte Fish from Passover. So, we call the game "Gefilte Fish" which makes us all laugh. The questions are "getting to know you" type about all kinds of issues. Everyone is enjoying playing it - at one point we had 9 of us sitting on chairs under the staircase playing yesterday. Some women only wanted to answer questions about sex, but there were questions like, "who would you like to meet from history," or "if you could plan the perfect dinner party, who would you invite," or "describe your best friend," or "if you could work any profession, what would it be and why?" Of course, there are questions about body and sexuality, but it is balanced with so many other types of questions. It is kind of like a board game called "Cowgirls," that I play with my best friends back home. I have a feeling we will have many evenings of playing Gefilte Fish and laughing as we get to know one another even better.
If you are headed in to prison, don't worry about friends. It will happen. There are so many different kinds of women here. We all mesh with someone. Even the ones that seem to have severe mental health issues, have friends. If you are not wanting to be friends with people who are unlike you, well, there are people here just like you. It's very diverse in prison, and you will find yourself someone you can spend time with. It's something you really do not need to worry about.
it's 27 days and a wake up now for me (and for Red). Red has her travel plans already, I'm still waiting for my papers back from region. A young woman who is supposed to leave in under two weeks, hasn't received her papers back yet. Stories like those scare me. We both stand often at our case manager's door, waiting for a moment to check --- "Are they here yet?" Then our brains inevitably go to those bad places, "What if they never received our papers?" "What if I won't be released on that day?" What if, what if, what if... The waiting game is hard.
However, even as I wait, I am not alone in my waiting. People are here to support us and understand what we are going through. Friendship happens in prison. Laughter happens in prison. Support happens in prison. A little game called "Gefilte Fish" may even bring new people into your circle. It helps make the wait to leave a little less stressful.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
From Dragonfly: Seeing Blue
Most of the time in prison, you don't see outside life coming across the fences. Other than seeing some women from the camp doing their thing, we rarely see anything else. This weekend, though, life is happening everywhere and we get to watch in awe.
The base is hosting an air show and the Blue Angels are here as part of it. In upper 80 degree weather, we are all turning red like lobsters as our faces face up and over the trees to see parachutes (one yesterday had an American flag as he/she fell to the earth), planes flying upside down, water vapor making hearts and circles, and other designs, and formations that are so close it's impossible to imagine how the planes are not touching wings. I imagined "bumper planes" that somehow could bounce off one another and still stay flying.
For the most part, honestly, the air show is boring from our view point. A lot seems to happen below the tree line. It doesn't stop us from watching for a glimpse of something amazing; something that can remind us that there's life out there that we get to return to (some soon, some not so soon).
I'd never seen so many inmates outside at one time before (other than our many fire drills). People were everywhere on the compound sitting in groups and enjoying the sun or shade. I even did some things I hadn't done here before. I played a couple games of horseshoes. Then, I tried Bocce Ball for the first time.
Everyone was out near me - Lola, Freckles, Red (who is living up to her name with the day's craziest sunburn), Taz, Nurse, Curls, and so many others. If we didn't see the fences, it could have been a large family picnic. The mood was generally positive. People played kickball and softball. Small picnic feasts included chips, candy, and a lot of ice cold water.
After my bad news this weekend, it was a perfect day for the most part. I did sneak in, while most were still out, and was able to talk with my father. His voice is very hoarse. He received the pictures of myself I sent him. He has double vision now due to the tumor, so he has double of me with him right now. One of my pictures sits with him at the hospital. They are releasing him for at least a short time tomorrow. We will know if anything can prolong his life in less than a week. I hope that he and his wife get a chance to take that Mediterranean Cruise that they've been planning for several years. Those are the things one should do when they know that time is suddenly shorter than expected. I have seen two of the seven new "natural wonders of the world." If I knew my time was short, I would want to see the remaining five... and perhaps the 7 'man-made' wonders of the world, as well.
It's not my time yet, thank god, so for now, I'll just keep looking up... the Blue Angels fly again this afternoon. Perhaps that is another check off my bucket list.
The base is hosting an air show and the Blue Angels are here as part of it. In upper 80 degree weather, we are all turning red like lobsters as our faces face up and over the trees to see parachutes (one yesterday had an American flag as he/she fell to the earth), planes flying upside down, water vapor making hearts and circles, and other designs, and formations that are so close it's impossible to imagine how the planes are not touching wings. I imagined "bumper planes" that somehow could bounce off one another and still stay flying.
For the most part, honestly, the air show is boring from our view point. A lot seems to happen below the tree line. It doesn't stop us from watching for a glimpse of something amazing; something that can remind us that there's life out there that we get to return to (some soon, some not so soon).
I'd never seen so many inmates outside at one time before (other than our many fire drills). People were everywhere on the compound sitting in groups and enjoying the sun or shade. I even did some things I hadn't done here before. I played a couple games of horseshoes. Then, I tried Bocce Ball for the first time.
Everyone was out near me - Lola, Freckles, Red (who is living up to her name with the day's craziest sunburn), Taz, Nurse, Curls, and so many others. If we didn't see the fences, it could have been a large family picnic. The mood was generally positive. People played kickball and softball. Small picnic feasts included chips, candy, and a lot of ice cold water.
After my bad news this weekend, it was a perfect day for the most part. I did sneak in, while most were still out, and was able to talk with my father. His voice is very hoarse. He received the pictures of myself I sent him. He has double vision now due to the tumor, so he has double of me with him right now. One of my pictures sits with him at the hospital. They are releasing him for at least a short time tomorrow. We will know if anything can prolong his life in less than a week. I hope that he and his wife get a chance to take that Mediterranean Cruise that they've been planning for several years. Those are the things one should do when they know that time is suddenly shorter than expected. I have seen two of the seven new "natural wonders of the world." If I knew my time was short, I would want to see the remaining five... and perhaps the 7 'man-made' wonders of the world, as well.
It's not my time yet, thank god, so for now, I'll just keep looking up... the Blue Angels fly again this afternoon. Perhaps that is another check off my bucket list.