A NutriBullet

Sporty and T.S. brought home a NutriBullet today. If you are not familiar with this gizmo, it is a pulverizing blender used to make juices and liquid meals. Throw in spinach, kale, cucumbers, berries, peanut butter, yogurt, protein powder, ice, carrots, corn, milk, water, pineapple, coconut milk, well, not all these things at one time, but choose like 4-6 items, pulverize, and drink. I tried one with berries, pineapple, milk, and ice. It was good, but lacked sweetness somehow. Back to the drawing board.

I'm sure we will use this new toy over time. A smoothy in place of a meal can be a healthy choice. I know one woman who juiced for nearly 4 months and lost a ton of weight. She used kale as a base and every juice was green. Guess you can get used to anything!

It's really amazing the technology we have these days, and how little of it is offered in our prisons. There are so many women at Carswell who could barely chew food, how great it would be to offer them a quick nutritious meal in a cup! Big problem is that the ingredients are nearly impossible to get in the Feds - no berries, no kale or spinach, no cucumbers, no fresh carrots, no pineapple, no yogurt, etc. The only possible smoothies would include apples, oranges, and milk (and bananas on Wednesdays and Fridays). It's a miracle we can maintain any health in prison, with so few nutrients being served.

My friends and I started to notice that we were bruising super easy over the last several months. The lack of nutrients were also showing on our nails and in our eyes. I'd get a bruise and wouldn't heal from it for weeks.

Just two weeks home and my nails are healthy and I don't have a single bruise on my body. Eating normal has already improved my nutrition big time. It's just crazy to think how unhealthy people get from having to spend years on the prison diet!

I wish I could send my friends a nutribullet and the ingredients they need to have a healthier diet. Granted, everything would probably be sold for 10x cost on the underground market, but it would be so nice to see people healthier while incarcerated. Even without the bullet, it would be nice to see more nutritious food offered, period!

Tomorrow, I'm going to make a chocolate, banana and peanut butter smoothy. Something tells me that it won't be my most nutritious option. But, it should taste damn good!!!

A New Meeting

Sporty and I started a new gamblers anonymous meeting tonight. Four people attended, which is good because it is not advertised yet. I chaired the meeting and it felt great! We were able to celebrate Sporty's 6 year anniversary, which was wonderful as well.

The two others at the meeting have been in GA for years, but struggle to stay clean. They are both back just a few months since their last relapses. It's so hard to see people struggle so much with this debilitating addiction. There's no magic cure, we can just pray that at some point they will be able to surrender fully to recovery. Only recovery can really help when the urges to gamble are so strong. Recovery is so much more than attending meetings - it's working the steps, checking in with a sponsor, getting involved, finding ways to fill the void, connecting with fellowship, believing in a higher power, and most of all ACCEPTANCE that we really do have an addiction.

I was very lucky when I came to GA. The meetings I attended were filled with people who worked the full program and achieved many years of clean time. I even know a couple with more than 45 years in the program. With so many people relapsing, it's inspiring to meet people who have not only stayed clean, but who continue to attend meetings and share their wisdom after 5, 10, or more years.

It's really weird to think that I may be one of those people now. Where I live now, there's only a handful of people with more than 5 years clean. Even fewer that have done the steps and really done the hard recovery work. I suppose it's a gift that Sporty and I have something to offer this community - the wisdom gained from our meetings where we used to live. Paying it forward.

I imagine it'll take a couple months for the new meeting to be strongly attended. That's okay, we've helped start two meetings in the past. We won't get discouraged. What matters is that we are giving people another night of the week to attend a GA meeting if they need it. Even if it's just the two of us some weeks, it'll be okay. We only need two people to make it a meeting. And, as is said in any recovery program, meetings make it!!

Things I Enjoy Being Home

-Sleeping without a bra on

-Taking a shower barefoot

-Spending real time with family

-Choosing my own time for "lights out"

-Using the Internet

-Healthy food choices

-Driving a car

-Sleeping in my bed, not on top of an already made bed

-Wearing all color clothing

-Texting my friends

-Hugs

-No lines for email

-A dish washer

-So many pens to choose from

-Playing fetch with Superdog

-Cooking with a stove 

-Relaxing on a couch

-Opening my windows for fresh air

-Watching TV with sound

-Attending GA meetings

-Friends stopping by

-Being in control of the thermostat

-Playing with my iPhone

-Doing laundry whenever I want

-Decorating my room

-Not hitting my head constantly on the bunk above me

-Sleeping without someone snoring next to me

-Not eating on my bed

-Refrigerating my mayo, cheese, and cream cheese

-Enough closet space

-So many shoes to choose from

-I never run out of things to do

-A stuffed animal is not contraband

-Non-feather pillows

-Microwave popcorn

-No full body searches

-Wearing shorts to lunch on a weekday

-No granny underwear

-I can keep my calendar electronically and make my own appointments

-I can listen to any song I want at any time I want

-It gets dark

-I don't need ear plugs to sleep

-I get to make many choices throughout the day!!!

First Conversation with my P.O.

I am not yet under the supervision of my probation officer, since the RRC is in charge of my supervision. I've never met him either, since I had no supervision prior to my self-surrender, so I decided to give him a call yesterday. I'm curious about what supervision will be like and how much freedom I'll actually have. Obviously, not freedom to do anything bad, but will I still have a curfew? Can I plan to do a special weekend away with my close friends? Etc.

My P.O. seemed like a nice guy when I talked to him on the phone. He knew exactly who I was with just my name - he's talked with Sporty a couple times since I'm living with her. He didn't want to answer any questions until my official out date - July 2nd. He was like, "wow, that's right around the corner, isn't it?" So, we made a time for me to meet him at his office that afternoon and he said he will give me all the details then. It's crazy that people only tell you what to expect when the day arrives... No ability to prepare oneself. Just another unknown in the future.

I tried to see if my 2x weekly check in could get transferred to him for the remaining time of my home confinement... His office is 15 minutes away, the RRC is 1 1/2 hours away. It isn't possible. So, after this morning, I have 3 more times of that ridiculous drive.

I did get him to answer one question in the positive, though. He says I'll be limited to the western side of my state for the first 60 days or so of my supervision, which will allow me to do my special annual weekend retreat with my close GA friends. Eleven of us will be doing the retreat this year and since I had to miss last year's, I'm super pumped for it. I started this retreat, but it has really become part of all of our lives. I do a lot of the organizing, still, and I've already planned some weekend activities! I can't wait to sit around a campfire and eat s'mores!!

Also, even though I'm restricted to the western side of my state, my P.O. gave me permission to attend a Queen (with Adam Lambert) concert next month on the eastern side of the state. I've been a Queen and Adam Lambert fan... the two together just sounds like an amazing concert! Glad my P.O. said yes. He sounds like a pretty reasonable guy!

I don't know what my life will be like once supervision starts (being on paper, as we call it in prison), but I know it should be more relaxed than my home confinement. It's just one more step closer to real freedom. I think it really depends on who your P.O. happens to be. As long as mine has a sense of humor, I think it'll be all right.

Thunderstorm

Last night there was an enormous thunder and lightening storm. It's the kind of storm no one could sleep through. I woke with a startle from very loud thunder - my body literally leapt in the air from a deep sleep. Loud and surprise noises have that affect on me whether I'm awake or asleep.

Survivor told me today that I don't sleep well. To me, I'm sleeping better than I have in nearly a year -other than last night. This morning, I didn't get out of bed until after 9am! Once I was able to fall asleep, I slept! There's no better feeling than waking and feeling well rested.

I've just put a new goal on myself. As I mentioned before, survivor recently had breast cancer and is thankfully a true survivor! Last summer and earlier this summer, a group of friends have done the Avon 2-day walk for breast cancer. Last year, I was too sick and facing the legal stuff. This year, well, we all know what I was doing this year. So, next year I'm going to walk! I am going to train and work hard and I'll do my best to do at least 13 miles each day. I can do it! Plus, I'll have a bunch of friends walking too! As a kid, I walked 18 miles in a day each summer for Israel as part of my Hebrew school, I certainly can do this for breast cancer!

Survivor and I did one of our favorite things today - we went thrift store shopping. For less than $25, I picked up 8 pairs of pants/shorts that fit! I kept singing the Macklemore song in my head, "I'm gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket." For a while, thrift stores will be my go to place for my clothing needs!

Speaking of money, I also learned today that I'm approved for food stamps. I've never been on public assistance before, and now I'm on Medicaid and food stamps. I went from a hard-working, tax paying adult to now being a felon on public assistance. I continue to question why it makes sense to take people away from being responsible adults and force them into poverty. I'm going to do whatever it takes to get off food stamps as soon as possible, but I'm really glad I have a way to afford feeding myself for a while. Just an FYI, anyone with a federal drug conviction cannot qualify for public assistance. 

It's thundering outside again. The rain sounds calming, but the thunder is disturbing. I suppose that's kind of like my life right now. There's a lot of calming things going on, but the thunder keeps trying to make me jump.

The Good and the Bad

My meeting with the professor went fairly well. There are steps to take and things I need to do, but she at least didn't say "no." I asked if the department would consider a fall admit. They've never taken on a student outside of the normal deadlines... Which would mean applying in winter and if admitted, starting in fall, 2015. I'm really hoping to be able to get into school for this fall, especially since I already have my graduate assistantship/ funding.

It might have been because two different faculty members from my previous department saw me in the building, or by coincidence, but just after that meeting, I received a fairly nasty reply to my email requesting a meeting sent to my old department chair. She made it pretty clear that I would not be re-welcome back into the department given the circumstances of my departure. Pure judgement without once talking to me. It's a closed door - I knew I would have plenty of those!

Having Survivor in town has been great! I'm incredibly fond of her and enjoy her company. We can talk for hours, or just sit and relax, and we are perfectly happy. I'm so glad she chose to visit!!!

I think I'm enjoying food way too much since I've gotten out. I have a stomach ache right now. I really need to be much more conscious of what I'm eating and how much... Perhaps those seconds at dinner were not necessary- even though they tasted great going down!! Luckily, I have a very active workout planned for the morning.

Nervous

I want to write that I got this and I'm holding my head up high and can take on the world. Reality is that I'm totally nervous. I'm sitting on the first floor of my school of education building waiting to meet with a professor I don't know and tell her my whole story in hopes she will support me joining her department... Even though the department works collaboratively with my old department a lot. It's a good match for my interests, but I can't help but feel like I'm sitting somewhere I'm not wanted.

A professor I took a class with, and even traveled overseas with, walked by a bit ago. He saw me, I saw him, so I said, "hi," and he said, "how are you," and I said, "good, thanks," with a smile on my face. He kept walking and I kept sitting, but my stomach dropped. If the department doesn't know I'm back in town yet, they will now. It's okay, just everything makes me nervous.

I actually don't care what they think of me. In fact, I look so much better than the last time they saw me. Plus I'm more confident in a good way. This place just used to feel like home to me, I pray it will again.

In order to not get stuck in my head, I walked next store and found T.S. having lunch. It was my first time ever bumping into her on campus, as I was gone her whole freshman year. She sat, talked to me and hugged me when I headed back to the school of Ed. She took the parent role for that minute. 

I need to concentrate on all the good in my life and get my head away from the "what ifs."I know, easier said than done. Entirely possible, though. I just have to remember, no one gets to tell me that I don't deserve my education! I'm here to move forward, not stare at my past. This is a perfect time for the serenity prayer.

SERENITY, ACCEPTANCE, COURAGE, WISDOM

A Full House

Last night felt so normal. We did a "make your own pizza" dinner and I had my friends with their daughters (6, 3, and 1), Survivor, Sporty, and T.S. all here. It was wonderful to be surrounded by the little ones. I just love the imagination and freedom of kids.

This week, I get to spend a couple days with Survivor. She drove in yesterday. She told me the story of the day she dropped me off at the Carswell parking lot. She couldn't drive away. She captured photos of the van taking me onto the base- a photo of my hand held up on the window, saying "goodbye." I guess she cried for the both of us. I was too numb.

Perhaps a year has passed since I've seen my friends, but when we are together, it's like there's been no time at all. We laugh, we share, we still have the deep connection. I'm so lucky to have so much love in my life.

Yesterday, I heard from a friend from my 90's law school days. We are still connected via Facebook and were incredibly close in school. She just read my blog and wrote me a multitude of messages showing her support of me. Even though we've only seen each other 2-3x since our graduation, and now live on separate continents, she will always be important to me. Her friendship was instrumental in helping me survive law school. We would take unexpected long drives to somewhere just to relieve studying tension and cook chocolate chip cookies. We traveled over winter break together and found ourselves often at one another's home hanging out. It's amazing that so much time could pass, but the memories and friendship are still strong.

Today is another meeting with a professor on my campus. It's a department I'm considering to continue my education. I don't expect anything to happen today in terms of decisions, but I hope she'll keep an open mind as I share my story. Even if 40 doors are closed to me, I need to keep on knocking.

Life is feeling nearly normal now. I'm comfortable in my home. I'm starting to get on track with working out, making plans, and enjoying what freedom I have. I don't really know what makes a life "normal," but this is a good life.

Two Weeks at Home

After two weeks on home confinement, I really question why this is not a viable option for so many non-violent offenders that are sent to our federal prisons. I am culpable for my actions, I am able to take on real responsibilities and work, I can maintain community ties, and I'm much more likely to be able to meet my restitution requirements. I'd like to say that there was some benefit I received by doing my time in a prison, but the benefits I received were of my own doing. There was no program, staff member, or opportunity offered by the BOP that made it make sense for me to be in prison. Here, I'm still under BOP custody, AND I'm able to be a much more productive member of society.

I admit home confinement isn't the right fit for everyone. You have to be fairly independent. You have to accept limitations to freedom. You have to marry your home phone. You have to be able to support yourself or have someone willing to help you out. You have to follow lots of rules - some that may be illogical. You have to keep your home alcohol and drug free. You have to have healthy outlets for stress at home. You have to be willing to go wherever the BOP wants you to go and whenever they want you to. You have to be able to answer your phone out of a deep sleep in the middle of the night. You have to allow strangers to randomly stop by anywhere you are supposed to be to ensure you are there.

I am doing pretty well on home confinement. I really have no complaints. Due to my health, I've had a lot of practice spending long periods of time at home. I'm also lucky to always have the great companionship of Superdog, who still rarely leaves my side. Having a pet at home can make home confinement much more bearable.

I have just over two more weeks until I'm officially at my "out date" and supervision starts. I'm hoping the last year has helped me slow down enough, that I don't try doing everything my freedom gives me at once. Supervision will come with its own set of challenges that I imagine I will face. Even so, this home confinement options seems like a good option for so many people. With the prisons overcrowded with too many non-violent offenders, a home confinement sentence in lieu of prison should be considered a much more viable option and better for community as a whole!