Independence Day

Officially, this is my 319th day from my self-surrender. The holiday and one day credit from the day of my arraignment, allowed my release day to be two days ago. It's officially Independence Day.

I thought I'd be more excited to celebrate this year, since I am no longer in BOP custody. Instead, I am thinking of my friends, locked behind the Carswell fence, and far from freedom. It always pissed me off a bit, at 8am every morning, hearing the Star-Spangled Banner playing out of the base speakers. Is this really the land of the free? I truly believe some people should be in prison, but I sit here and think about a friend, already inside for eight years, away from her three sons, for a conspiracy drug charge. She wasn't the ring leader, but mandatory minimums resulted in her kids growing up without a mother. I'm not an advocate for the legalization of drugs, I'm actually quite conservative when it comes  to issues around drugs, but I don't like how we criminalize it either. 

The drug industry exists for several reasons- one is addiction, and we shouldn't be criminalizing addiction. The other is because the demand in the U.S. outweighs the supply available. Drugs make money and we live in a capitalistic society. In some communities, the drug trade is the only answer out of poverty. It's a very sad reality, but true. My PO made it clear that I was a rare client - someone without a history of significant drug use.

I took a short break between writing the above and now writing... We drove to a parking lot in our town, parked, and we look up and there's fireworks going off in every direction I look, including straight up. This is a strange city for 4th of July. Instead of one big fireworks show, there are about 4-5 going off in every direction. It's like chaos in the sky. Plus, it's a state that allows people to do their own fireworks, so there are people setting off their own fireworks, too. We were driving down a main thoroughfare and a group set off a huge firework right in the middle of the center lane (three lane one-way road leading directly to downtown). Ummm, really???

As a kid, I was the child, under a bunch of blankets, crying at the noise set off by fireworks. I still don't enjoy the noise, but now it's like any other annoyingly loud noise. I do enjoy the beauty, though. I really love fireworks displays set off to music - those take my breath away. There's nothing like that here.

One cool thing I see in the sky, are these Chinese type lanterns with candles flying up into the clouds. I think they are selling them across the street. 

Okay, you can't really tell what that is, but it's a lantern flying up in the sky. I am imagining it to be a wish lantern and if it is, I hope thier wish comes true!

Once the official show started tonight, it was full of color. It reminds me of the night that Lola and I watched random fireworks above the FMC Carswell rec center. I think they are allowing the women to stay out an extra hour tonight and watch the fireworks set off by the military base. I know that just when the fireworks are getting good, it will be inmate recall and a big sigh will communally connect everyone for just a moment.

Here are some pics from tonight's fireworks:

Now, at 11pm, I am out at Denny's with Sporty, T.S., and T.S.' younger sister Hype (9 yrs old), and Hype's niece Minnie (2 1/2 yrs old). T.S. and Hype share a father and Hype's other sister is the mother of Minnie. Okay, no reason to go into their full family dynamics. What matters is that we don't define family entirely by blood, but by love. Anyway, we are at Denny's and they have a $2 menu, which is right up my alley. 

$2 pancakes at Denny's

I really didn't want to be eating after 8pm when I got home, but that hasn't worked so well. I'll have to work on it.

So, it wasn't a bad Independence Day. The fact that I'm out past eleven is what independence allows. In the end I had a good day. I'm thinking of my friends who are not so free, and also grateful that being incarcerated is behind me.

Happy Independence Day to all celebrating!

First Meeting with P.O.

I need to start by apologizing for not posting yesterday. By evening, I was really not feeling well and fell asleep in my clothes until morning (although I was woken a few times). I'm much better today, plus I was given the opportunity to start volunteering at my old job on campus, so today was a great day!!!

My first meeting with my PO went for 2 1/2 hours. He promised it would be the longest meeting we ever have. Here's pretty much what the meeting entailed...

The PO's office is in the downtown region of the smallish city I live in at a federal building. I walk in and I'm literally the only person in the entire entryway, except for three security officers. I'm immediately asked if I have any electronic devices - ummm, yeah, my cell phone. I'm told I cannot bring my phone into the building and I must go and put it in my car - along with any weapons I may be carrying. I say something like, "I almost took the bus here, it's a good thing I drove," which is followed up by them with, "yeah, it is..." So, if I took the bus, I wouldn't even be allowed to check the phone with security, I just would not be allowed in - period.

So, I go back to the expensive garage I had to park in, leave behind my phone (I don't have weapons...) and walk back in. This time, I go through the metal detector, which shows two 'hot spots' on my body - left hip and upper back. So, the only female guard wands me - it goes off on my zipper, my bra straps, and my bra closure. I think they have it all set a little too sensitive. After being pat down (I'm used to this), I am told to go up to the second floor and keep turning left.

I am the only one going up a grand staircase and on the second floor, the only person I see is another guard. This place is eerily quiet. If you wanted a good place for a haunted house, I think I found it. So, in the silent corridors, I turn left, left, and left and find myself at the federal probation office. It says, "come on in."

So, in my head, I had a picture of what a PO office would be like. Folding chairs set up in rows. Screaming children. Scary men with hating eyes. Okay, the DMV, only more chaotic and scarier. Instead, I walk in and it's empty. It is a small waiting room, with six cushiony chairs, a lamp, some brochures, and bullet-proof glass separating the waiting room from the administrative desk next to the door that leads to all the professional offices. With the box of tissue next to the table lamp, it looked exactly like a therapists waiting room. Once again, it was eerily quiet. The admin person was away from her desk, so I just sat down and comfortably waited in silence. I whispered the serenity prayer to myself.

My PO came out to introduce himself about ten minutes later. He has one of those names that is spelled a way that you think it's a common name, but in fact it's pronounced entirely different and you'd better not goof it up. He handed me an 80 question survey to assess my drug/alcohol abuse, mental state, and  thoughts about my acceptance of my crime. It's the kind of psychological survey that asks each question in three different ways to ensure honesty. I finished it in under five minutes.

The admin person showed up, opened the door, and asked if I was who I am. I guess they weren't expecting anyone else. This place was soooo empty - I mean, don't they have people that need to check-in? She explained she had been entering my information all morning into the computer - procrastination??

My PO brought me to his office. I discovered he has a law degree and he told me he's been working on all sides of the criminal process for a long time. He seems to like being a PO. He kind of made it clear that my educational/ professional background and my type of crime was not typical of the people he supervises on release. He said a lot of, "I guess I don't need to do [blah, blah, blah] with you..." It didn't stop him, though from being very tough on my restrictions on supervision.

Important to note, however, is that it is entirely possible to be released from supervision early. How does one do that? Follow ALL the rules, don't make them nervous about any behavior/ decisions, and always check in when you are supposed to. I have a goal of being off supervision by June 30, 2015. 

I had to do a drug urine test. A female PO watched me through one-way glass while I made a mess trying to catch enough liquid. I hate doing urine tests. I was embarrassed about the mess, and tried cleaning up the drips best I could. She said to not worry, they clean it up every night. Whew. 

My PO and I went through a lot of paperwork. There were forms I had to sign - like the fact that I'm prohibited from owning a gun or explosive device. I had no idea that some fireworks count as explosive devices under that rule and not only can't I do them, but no one around me can either. My PO said that a sparkler is the most advanced firework he would recommend.

It took a while going through all my rules and restrictions. He gave me a map of my state and showed me what constitutes my district. That is where I can freely travel. However, he is allowing me to the eastern side of the state for day-trips or quick outings. He may permit me to stay overnight on the eastern side for a GA conference coming up in August.

I am not allowed to travel anywhere else for 60 days. After that, I have to submit a travel authorization form at least 10 days prior to any trip I want to take. At least I no longer have to call in before/after every time I leave my house!!

I have to check-in once a month through a computer site. There's a report I will need to fill out each time. No matter what your crime was, the reporting is the same for everyone. The only other times I have to check in are when I'm needing to travel, I've had any police interaction, I'm called and told to come in, or my PO randomly stops by my home or work.

My PO is in support of my trying to get back in school. He knows that a job awaits me when I'm readmitted. So, for the next several weeks, my energy should go to that, and not finding an outside job. If I learn that I will not be back in school this August, I need to find a job and let the job on campus go. He gave me a bunch of job search forms to use as I apply for anything.

I have a form that needs to be signed at each GA meeting I attend. He needs proof that I'm as involved in GA as I claim. No problem. I told him about how Sporty and I started a new meeting for Friday nights. He said he may have some people to send to it (so much for not being around other felons -ha). As for that rule, I immediately got permission for Survivor and Hansome to be allowed contact with me, even though they have past felonies. When I explained how involved with GA these two are, he said he'd rather see me hanging with them, than people doing drugs who aren't felons. I hadn't realized that was the either/or scenario I must choose between.

My judge is also REQUIRING me to be in mental health treatment. My PO doesn't know why that is part of the judgment. So, he's sending me for an assessment at a catholic charities mental health center. I inquired on if it's a religious type of counseling, since I'm Jewish. He said that it's not religious, they are just the charity running it. I have to call for my intake within one week.

So, other general conditions of supervision include that I cannot commit another offense, I must allow them to collect my DNA anytime, I must support my dependents and meet family responsibilities, I must maintain a job unless given permission for school or other reasons, I have to give two weeks notice before moving or changing employment, no alcohol (it actually says no excessive use, but my PO wants me to refrain... fine with me!), I cannot be anywhere illegal activity is going on, I cannot be a special informant, and I must inform my employer about relevant information surrounding my felony (since I have a money crime, if I want to work at a bank, they must be notified... if I want to work at a bakery as a baker, they don't because it doesn't connect to the job duties...).

My judge added nine special conditions to my supervision, which my PO said is quite a lot and we agreed that she must've really disliked me. My PO will have access to all my bank accounts, tax records, and anything else financially-related I have. I cannot purchase or sell any assets without permission. I informed my PO about Hope and the fact that I may need to purchase a replacement scooter- he was okay with that. While it says that I cannot use any credit, get new credit, or loans, my PO thought it okay to reasonably use my existing credit and he'd okay necessary student loans. I am not allowed to gamble, nor frequent any place where gambling is occurring. I'm required to participate in a credit counseling program - although, my gambling debts are no more and within GA we believe in paying off our debts - not doing bankruptcy or working with a scamming debt consolidator. My PO agreed that the condition is a little out there and is checking with his supervisor on what we should do. So far, I like the reasonableness of my PO!

The big condition, of course, is my restitution. He started the conversation by saying he's seen people's restitution much, much higher than mine. Me, too - I know people who have millions due. While mine is not nearly like those, it's still a lot to come up with. The judge set my amount due at 10% or more of my income - no matter what my income is. So, if with my grad assistantship I am receiving $1200/mth - I would have to pay $120/mth. With a low income, 10% is a lot! Now, when I'm earning $3,000/mth in the future, and I owe $300/mth, at least I can live on $2700 minus taxes. My hope is to pay off my restitution faster than the 10% per month as I am able, so I can rid myself of the monthly payments.

So, that's what happened yesterday. Other than a contraband cell phone, urine dripped on the floor, setting off a metal detector, and a very expensive parking garage space, my 2 1/2 hours went pretty well. I hope my PO is able to see my seriousness in taking on these responsibilities, my acceptance of the situation, and my growth that helps me ensure that I am always trying to do the next right thing. I have no idea if my first PO meeting was typical, but it was okay. Okay, these days, is good!

The federal building was just as quiet as I made myself downstairs and back outside. Is it really possible that I was the only client visiting the entire building of offices yesterday afternoon? With budget shortfalls, maybe they are all on furlough... 

Last Day of Home Confinement

Of all my time in custody of the BOP, this last month went the fastest. I am suddenly on the cusp of my out date and the almost freedom that provides. I am so grateful that I've been allowed to spend this past month at home, surrounded by my loved ones. Even though my movements were limited, it was really a great month!

I was told yesterday that there is very little anyone can do for Hope. They no longer make the scooters, so parts are scarce. State Farm told me that they may need to "total" her. I guess I may be starting my almost freedom by purchasing a replacement scooter. I guess it's a time of new beginnings.

I also start work, well volunteering at my old job, this week on Thursday. I will be working about 20 hours per week doing both my old job and helping cover the work of a long term employee who recently had a stroke. They need me right now and I'm so happy to be able to be there, helping high school youth find their way to college. The youth specifically asked for me to do some diversity and acceptance exercises with them when they spend a week staying on campus. I did some of the exercises last year and they asked for me again. I have purpose!! When I used to run the summer camp I helped found, I did many of the same exercises with the teenage youth, and they always asked for it again the next year. I discovered that youth want a safe space to explore issues in an interactive, experiential way.

This leads me to where I am presently on my journey back into school. I have no definite inroad yet.  Today, I have a rescheduled meeting with a professor of a non-education based program. I'm always a little anxious telling my whole story, but I still tell all, as at this time I have to. I'm going to just spend some time with the serenity prayer before walking into the building.

While I haven't been as productive as I could have been these past several weeks, I feel as if I'm starting my almost freedom with some good possibilities in life. I also know that I need to keep my mind open to all possibilities that may be sent my way. There is good ahead for me, I just need to allow the journey to unfold.

I'm doing nothing particularly special to mark my last day of home confinement, but I am going out for a good dinner tomorrow night to celebrate my first day of almost freedom. That dinner will follow a 3-hour morning drive to go to/from my not a real HWH/RRC to pick up my end of custody paperwork (they couldn't give me it yesterday when I was there, only tomorrow), and my afternoon meeting with my probation officer (PO for now on). I've spoken to him once, but will meet him for the first time tomorrow. So my first day of almost freedom, won't feel so free at all. 

I'll think through some home confinement tips to share with you all and post them soon. I sincerely believe that we should be leaning on home confinement for non-violent offenders as a real answer to the prison overcrowdedness issue. Even if I had to wear a monitor, which I didn't, it would have been a much better option.

So, my last day of BOP custody. It had better be my last day EVER!! I know a lot of people violate probation/supervision, but I will walk a safe and narrow path. I have but one goal, full (not almost) freedom for the rest of my life.

A Daughter Writes

Many months ago, I wrote about a daughter who reached out to me about her mother who had just self-surrendered. They were readers of this blog and the daughter was worried about how her mom was doing. It took me a couple days, but I figured out who her mom was (she had the wash time just before mine) and I introduced myself. Turns out, she had Danbury's old bunk. Later, when I was moved upstairs, we were neighbors. Small world.

This past week, the world became even smaller for another reader of this blog. Once again, it was her daughter that reached out to me. She and her mom read this blog and she told me it helped them prepare for her mom's self-surrender. My heart sang when I read that. Well, she informs me that her mom was placed in MY old bunk. Out of 1800+ bunks in the facility, this new woman is given my bed!!

The daughter wrote me because her mom is having a difficult time adjusting. It was her first week there, and we all go through that. Here's a bit of what I answered:

"The advice I would give her includes:

1) make a couple friends - safe to usually start with other self surrenders, or people transferred there from a camp. They are also non violent and have many of the same issues dealing with medical. 

Tell her that she does not need to buy everything immediately and what she does buy, is for her only. Young folks and broke folks seek newbies to try and claim they are broke or hungry and take advantage of folks - especially older folks.

Keep her income no more than $300/mth. That way her frp will stay under $50. Tell her to transfer funds she isn't immediately using onto the phone, corlinks, and into her out account for saving. She can transfer corlinks and money in her out account back to her commissary account when she needs it. 

She should buy a radio, but the mp3 just sucks money... Go with the cheapest radio. Most often it's used for watching tv and the basic one actually has the best reception.

If your mom can physically, she should try to walk the track every day for some activity and stress relief. There's a wonderful woman who teaches yoga in the rec. The rec center has a lot of craft classes, too. Most important is finding things to stay busy.

Since your mom is still in her orientation period, she will hear about "sex" and std's a lot. They try to scare folks from being "gay for the stay." It will calm down when she's past her first two weeks.

Her room is her safest place, and unit 1 North is the safest regular housing unit; so hanging out in the atrium is fine. She will meet others by going and sitting with folks watching tv."

I, also, gave some names of friends there for her to seek out for friendship and advice. Those first weeks are the toughest. We are not yet gone long enough to have acclimated to such a different life. Medically, we are neglected as we fight for our medications, stand in the awful pill line, and wait hours/days to be seen in the clinic. From the very start, we try to do whatever we can to get medically cleared and transferred to a camp. Most wait over 6 months to be cleared and another several months for transfer approval. 

The entire experience can be very draining physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. Plus we are given the horrible advice of not to cry. So, we try to hold in all our overwhelming emotions. It's truly a recipe for disaster. At some point, most of us break, and we have a good cry. Acceptance comes after that.

Getting to acceptance is really key to getting out of that initial funk. Those of us who self-surrender usually do not have more than months to several years on the inside. Living one day at a time, being your own advocate, trying to keep yourself as healthy as possibly, and keeping busy, will make the time pass.

It's hard in there, but you do not have to become "hard" to endure it. A good cry with friends will help relieve tension. Check out books and get lost in their stories. Write family and friends. Visit religious services, if you seek spiritual connection. Sign up for ACE classes. Take a daily walk. Make an appointment to visit the salon (Cosmo school). Sign up for hobby craft classes. Play games in the rec. Watch sports or join in at outdoor rec. Find employment. There are options to keep your days busy. The best thing is that days end early - 9pm rack up time. So, once dinner is over, you are nearly at the end of the day and you are one day closer to going home.

For those on the outside, send lots of cards/mail/books. A nice journal from Amazon is a great gift. Send crossword or word seek magazines. Subscribe your loved one to their favorite magazines - people, us, cosmo, newsweek, entertainment weekly, reader's digest, tv guide, even the national enquirer are commonly seen at mail call. Letting your incarcerated loved one know that they are loved and cared about is incredibly important. Remember, you are going through this experience too, even though you are not incarcerated.

Everyone adjusts at different amounts of time. For some it's weeks, others months. Sometimes our medical condition makes adjustment very difficult; sometimes there are family issues on the outside that make it hard. Remember that no one can solve all their problems at once, so try to tackle just one thing at a time.

One day, you will be walking the compound and you'll realize that you are halfway through your sentence, that you are able to smile and laugh, that you have incredible friendships, and that you are stronger than you realized. It may be a brief moment, but it will happen. Try to make a list of things you are grateful for at the end of each day. In the morning, read that list before you start your day. You will survive this experience!

I hope the woman who sleeps on my old bunk feels some positive energy left by me. I pray she finds some comfort and that people are kind to her. I hope her medical issues are adequately addressed and she finds healthy ways to deal with the bureaucracy.  While each day feels like a week, each week a month, each month a year, when you look back, you will realize those days, weeks, and months add up and, soon, you will be planning for home.

Thank you to the daughters who love their moms enough to help them through this experience. It is not easy on anyone, but knowing that someone cares enough to reach out for you usually goes on top of that daily grateful list!