My Friends Inside

There are rules. Serious rules. While on supervision, I cannot knowingly have contact with another felon. That means that I am not to write or contact any of the people I consider a friend who is still incarcerated, or who has a previous conviction (unless I get permission from my PO). Other than those GA folks I received approval for, it will be very difficult staying in touch with those I met on the inside.

I hate the idea that if I want to send a card or something to Freckles, Lola, or Taz, it is a violation of my supervision. Serious violations or repeat violations could land me right back in Carswell. Being as the authorities know of this blog (and may not be happy with all it's content) and know I'm the one maintaining it, I could be an easy target to punish. That, is definitely not something I want to have happen. I never want to be incarcerated again!

So, I have to trust that my friends know I'm thinking of them. Once in a while, I hear of updates, and I'll share some of those with you. For some of my former comrades, it could be years until we speak again. They are never far from my thoughts, however.

Lola LOVES Carswell Camp. Even the food is better on that side of the fence. They have a lot of freedom and the scenery and wildlife is wonderful to watch. Squirrels will literally come to your room's window and look at you until you exit your room with food. That's well trained wildlife! Plus, with Lola in the puppy program, she gets to spend her days with a happy puppy to hug and care for. How wonderful!

Freckles has had to go through a couple tough weeks at the end of her time at Carswell. The accusations that led to her termination from education went viral there, and she is the focus of a lot of gossip. Her birthday is this week, and I just pray our friends do right by her! She has three weeks to go - so ridiculous since she was supposed to get out of there two weeks ago.

Taz is working on a 2255 of her sentence. The 2255 is a basic appeal saying that your lawyer, the judge, or the sentence decision was a mistake. Many inmates file them, few make it to real consideration. Taz had a deal that turned out to be a lie and she never knew that they would pursue federal time for her. She has proof of conversations with promises that prosecutors would keep the case from going federal. She signed and then the federal charges came immediately after. So uncool!

By now, Nurse should have been transferred to Victorville. I pray they give her the protein supplements she never received at Carswell. I'm happy she can see her grand daughter again - that little girl is her pride and joy!

Mama's paperwork has gone through for a transfer closer to home. After losing nearly 150 pounds in less than a year, Mama is off 90% of her medication and all the docs cleared her for transfer. I pray that comes soon - as her sons are finally home with her parents and her family is so happy to be back together again, except for Mama.

I wish I were allowed to communicate with these and other friends. I truly care about their well-being. I guess I'll just keep them in my thoughts and look forward to the day that we can speak again. We've been through our worst together, I look forward to being able to share our best!

The Big Event

I used to be an event coordinator. There was a time when I would have 2-4 events nearly every weekend. Most for nonprofits and fundraisers. In my role as a graduate student now, I am rarely in an event coordinator role.

When I offered to volunteer this summer at my former job, I found myself being put in the role of event coordinator for an Academic Showcase highlighting the work the high school youth do during their summer. In just three weeks, we had to put together the plan for an event with 150 guests. Since I was there last year, I had a feel for what the event would be like. 

Tonight was the event, and it went off without a hitch. In fact, that colleague that decided to donate money on my behalf, gave a second check tonight - doubling the stipend I am now earning this summer. I guess I'm not a volunteer anymore. The donor, also, made a promise to donate the same amount next summer, so they can have me there. I guess I have a summer job next year (often grad assistants are only Aug-May since summer funding is hard to come by). I should receive my full stipend in 2-3 weeks.

Also, another coworker handed me some cash today saying it's to get me through the weekend. She won't let me refuse. This is her third time handing me some spending money. She's the one who told me to accept and not refuse - just say "thank you."

I can't imagine many ex-prisoners being handed money. I have never complained to anyone at work about being a volunteer, I took pride in just the ability to help out an organization I care about. I need to take what is happening and when I can afford it, pay it forward to someone in need. I never knew such kindness from people was possible.

I suppose my lesson from all of this is that we never know what our decisions will lead to. I had no thoughts about volunteering at my old job until I was on the phone with my boss and she informed me that one of the key employees (there are only 4 - small office) had a stroke. I immediately said, "well, then I'm going to come in and volunteer so I can help alleviate all the work" falling on my boss. She had to get permission for me to do so, and I had to pass that background check I mentioned in the past. I certainly had no thoughts that I would be paid, nor that I would become coordinator of tonight's important event.

It really is possible to move our lives forward swiftly after prison. There are no shortcuts and no guarantees. We can't have any expectations. We just need to be kind, humble, and willing to work hard. Now that my legal issues are in my past, I have only good to look forward to and tonight was a whole lot of good!

The Tough Decision

My insurance company paid me enough to replace my scooter with a new one. I started looking at all those available - 50cc maximum- so I can park at the bike racks on campus - and short enough that my 5' tall body can sit and my toes can reach pavement at stops.

There are three models - Yamaha Vino, Honda Metropolitan, and Genuine Buddy. The Buddy won out for several reasons and I was excited at the prospect of purchasing my replacement scooter this Saturday. It's been difficult without any vehicle of my own and it would be well ridden.

The other day, though, I was thinking about the insurance funds and just couldn't shake the feeling that I should not be spending that money on something right now. I still have a month until I receive a full paycheck, rent is due, I'll need to purchase text books, and I can really use some clothes that fit. So, I made the decision to put off purchasing my replacement scooter at the moment. I will revisit it in a month when my finances will likely be in a more comfortable place.

When the time is right, the Buddy will still be there.

One of the most important things we must learn during recovery for a financial related addiction is how to appropriately budget. In my gambling days, I would not have thought about the expenses to come or the importance of a little buffer. The same amount of money I received for a new scooter could be gambled away in a matter of hours. I didn't own a scooter, then. I couldn't spend money on anything but bare essentials, gambling, and vacations that included gambling.

Today, I have a choice. There would be nothing wrong with a decision to replace my scooter now. After all, the funds were given to me for that specific purpose. It just felt more "right" though to put that 'want' on hold and stay concentrated on needs until I know I can afford more.

Incredible Generosity

It's hard to accept other people's generosity sometimes. I love giving gifts, but sometimes it is really difficult on the receiving side. Over the past year, I've had to learn to just say, "thank you," and accept the gifts of friendship, money, books, cards and more from my friends and family.

This week, though, I've been overwhelmed by the generosity of a practical stranger. She works with the summer program at the job I've been volunteering at. She called me and told me that she will be making a donation to the organization so they can pay me for the work I've been doing over the past several weeks. She says she is impressed by my work and wants to give me the funds. Whoa.

Without being too specific, she is donating several hundred dollars, which in turn will be given to me as "project pay." The Director of the organization had to talk with her bosses to make it all work out appropriately. I did tell the generous soul that I could not accept such a gift, but she just poo pooed my statement and told me it was not a choice. So, I'm left simply saying, "thank you," and I'll add this to my missions of paying it forward one day. The funds will help me pay bills until I'm officially hired in mid-August. You hear about angels in this world, but I would have never guessed this woman was one of them. She most certainly is!

As a gambler, the idea of money being handed to me, that was unexpected, would have caused me to believe it was my lucky day and I would have likely lost every penny of it in a matter of hours at a casino. Even if it happened to be a winning day, I would lose even more than I won the day after. It was always a vicious cycle. Money would come into my hands and just as quickly go out.

Now, in recovery, I understand the real value of money. I keep a budget, try to pay more than minimum due on credit cards, and maintain a savings. I have not been able to do much financially since I have not had an official job. Now, though, I know that not only will I have the funds to pay my bills, I will have a slight buffer in case of emergency. I am able to hold onto money now.

I'm still in disbelief that this woman who barely knows me has decided to help me out. I guess it's yet another example of the idea that if you keep doing the right next thing, good things happen. There's a lot of bad in this world and if you focus on the bad, you will just wallow in it. If, instead, you focus on the good, you will be able to experience the beauty of the human heart. I am incredibly grateful to have experienced such beauty this week.

The Public Defender Debate

In my friends update recently, I asked you if you had any questions for me. One reader asked me about my lawyer experience. Specifically, her questions were:

Could you comment/write about the quality of your representation? Did you have a federal public defender? Private attorney? How much did it cost you (if I may ask). Are you satisfied? What recommendations do you have for a rising 2L in terms of connecting with clients, making your life better, etc?

I will attempt to answer this question best I can, as I sit across from T.S. at a Panera trying to not distract her as she studies for her Chemistry course. We have already wasted two hours as we looked at possible replacement scooters for me to purchase, she bought some great artwork online from a friend, we worked on her 2014-15 college schedule, and just generally enjoyed one another's company. We are going to have to be better at this "studying together" thing if we are to do it when Fall semester starts up. Okay, it's weird for a "semi" parent to study with her teenage "semi" daughter, but as you all know, I'm weird. Amazingly, T.S. is an amazing young woman who doesn't mind being around the adults in her family (as long as she is not hanging with friends). Whoa, off topic, sorry.

I remember that in one of my first posts, I mentioned that I had a public defender. I'm going to start with that decision. When I received a notice that charges may be filed against me, I started the process to obtain a public defender immediately. I did not wait for the charges to actually make it to court, I wanted to be prepared. I did not spend much time considering a non-public attorney, as I had very little funds (grad student and former gambler after all). If you are considering hiring an attorney for your defense, unless s/he is your best friend's sibling or something like that, you are looking at a large retainer - no less than $10,000 to retain the services, sometimes more in the ballpark of $25,000. I am so grateful that public defenders exist, because no one should go to court without one. There's a lot of game play that occurs in the courtroom and you need someone savvy enough to understand what's happening and object when necessary.

My only thought about hiring a for-profit attorney was that if I could hire a real savvy one, perhaps they could have kept me out of prison. We all know the O.J. Simpson story. Unfortunately, I am not aware of any best friend's siblings who are savvy attorneys who would have taken on my case for practically no funds. Nor, could anyone no matter how much you pay the attorney, make any guarantees that you will not have the book thrown at you or that you will be found innocent. It's just not something any attorney has within their power.

The other thing I know is that good people become public defenders. It is not a fall back career for lawyers, many great, smart people go to law school to become public defenders. They believe 120% in the belief that everyone deserves to have legal counsel and many believe that they will do something good for their clients. They can be just as idealistic as anyone. Not only that, they choose a career that pays them less than half what they would make if they chose private practice. During my law school days, I was always so impressed with my peers that wanted to work as public defenders.

The bad thing is, though, that you do not get to select your public defender. Depending on the defender, they can be any type of personality and some are just plain burnt out by the system. I don't regret my decision to go with a public defender, though. I could not afford more, and she was a skilled attorney. My assigned attorney had more than 30 years of criminal law experience and over 20 as a public defender. She always returned my calls, answered my emails, and listened to me. I cannot say that she was particularly savvy, however, nor did she take the time to truly understand my addiction/reasons for my criminal behavior. She was very matter of fact, and encouraged me to take a plea from the get-go. I was not planning on going to trial, so it was alright. Something many don't know is that even when you accept a plea, in the federal system they cannot promise you what your sentence will be. The judge decides that. The plea may include what the recommendations will be, but ultimately your sentence is decided by the judge.

My attorney was pretty certain that I would get supervision only, or spend at most 1-3 months in prison. She had no idea that due to my medical issues, I would have to be at a secured federal medical center. Nor, did the judge for that matter. My attorney's jaw dropped to the floor when I was given my 1 year and 1 day sentence. While my sentence could have been much longer, she had not prepared me for a sentence with a real amount of prison time. I told her from the beginning that I could be kicked out of school if I were to go to prison, she kept telling me to not worry about it. Even my pre-sentence report stated that a prison sentence may exceed the necessary punishment for me, due to my nearly 5 years of recovery and growth at the time. I'm not sure any attorney could have predicted how the judge would have decided my sentence. So, I guess I'm glad I didn't allow my family to go into great debt trying to hire an attorney for me. My public defender was fine. At times, she was good. I won't say she was great, but she may have been earlier in her career. I think she's been dealing with the feds too long and knows the limits - so she won't be savvy and push, she gets the job done. Period.

It's important to know how to find a public defender. If you receive any indication that you are going to be charged with a crime, you can contact the public defender's office in the federal district your case is/will be filed in. For example, if you lived in Texas and were going to be charged in Fort Worth, you would call the public defender office in the Northern District of Texas. They will likely ask if you know of any indictment or have received any documents indicating that you will be indicted imminently. They will then send you a questionnaire to qualify you for a public defender. You cannot have significant assets or funds. If you can pay for an attorney, than a public defender is not going to be assigned to you. Once you are assigned a public defender, they will likely get in touch with the prosecutor's office and find out the status on everything.

NEVER TALK TO THE PROSECUTOR'S OFFICE OR FBI WITHOUT YOUR ATTORNEY!!

Anything you say can be warped into an admission. If a prosecutor, state's attorney, private investigator, or the fbi contact you and want to "just talk" or send you a letter, or have any communication at all with you, you should not say anything. Immediately tell them that you will speak to them once you have an attorney. You have the right to that attorney and they cannot communicate with you without your attorney present. But, YOU must request the attorney or say you have one. They will not stop communicating with you unless you say you want an attorney present.

Well, that's a lot of information to digest and I'm not even sure I answered the questions adequately. I do want to answer the final question, though... what do I suggest for a student seeking to become a public defender. Here are some suggestions that come to my mind:

• Every client is not just like the last client. 
• Every person is unique and while some may lie, not all will. 
• While some clients may be guilty, once in a while someone may be innocent. 
• While the system is stacked up against the client, it is your duty to represent them to the best of your ability. 
• Stay aware of the changing law and recent appeals, use them to help your clients.
• Allow your client to tell you their story, if they want to share it. Most people have a reason behind their actions, it may not matter in the law, but it matters to them.
• Don't make any promises.
• Work within the system to make it more just. Be willing to challenge the status quo.
• If you have a client that is going to prison, be available to them just as a check-in before they go. Check in with them once while they are inside. You may not be able to do anything more for them, but it matters to know you were seen as a person and that your public defender still knows your name.
• Prepare for all scenarios to happen in court. Don't let your client see your jaw drop to the floor. Object if something is not right.
• If your client insists they are innocent, try to figure out if someone else is guilty.
• Don't just tell your client to plea if they are innocent, it may result in more prison time to go to trial, but this is their right to freedom they give away if they plea out.
• Be personable.

Well, I'm sure there's more I can say, but know that it's a very important right in the U.S. to have a public defender available to those who need them. It's a noble occupation to select and one that will certainly keep you on your toes. Balance your life between work and home - getting burnt out is never going to help anyone!

For most of us, there is no debate between having a public defender and hiring a private attorney. Money speaks volumes. Lots of money may help get guilty people off and having little money means we are much more likely to go to prison. It's a broken system. However, public defenders are just one piece of the puzzle and are very important to ensure some justice can exist.

A Friend

Something that rarely happens to me occurred yesterday. I was out and about running errands and I ran into someone from my old school program. We were literally standing next to one another, so when we realized who the voice next to us was, we immediately hugged. She was several years ahead of me and working on her dissertation when I self-surrendered, so I had no idea what she did or didn't know about my situation. We were friendly before, and I just didn't see her being too judgmental. In fact, remember that I deleted nearly half my Facebook contacts a couple months ago? Well, she friended me back a month or so ago, so I figured she was okay with me. Turns out, she'd known about why I was gone, but she hadn't known about my being kicked out of the program. I suppose many of the students are not aware of what occurred after I left for Texas.

Anyway, she had read on Facebook that I was accepted into the criminal justice program, so she congratulated me. She then asked me a bunch of questions around what happened to my being in my old program. I told her that it wasn't my choice for leaving and she asked more questions about that. It wasn't a long conversation, we were in a store staring at a shelf of shoes after all, but she was curious and I would be too, so I answered best I could. As we left the store, neither of us buying any shoes, I told Sporty that I really like the person and I was glad to have seen her. 

Unexpectedly, today, I received a message from the friend. She apologized for "ambushing" me with questions. I didn't really feel ambushed, but she said that it must be a difficult issue and she shouldn't have asked so many questions. What a kind thing to do! Most people would ask personal questions and never think twice about it. At some point, this friend of mine thought over our conversation and felt strong enough to reach out to me. I really respect that! I've always had a lot of respect for her, but it's always when things are difficult that we know who our real friends are - or at least the people we want to be friends with...

I've had several relationships adjusted to be closer or further based on this past year. What has been most surprising to me is that the people I now consider to be my closest friends are not the ones I would have necessarily named a year ago. There are some incredible ones who I will always be close with, but others have not been the kind of friends I deserve.

Although, I sometimes know that I am not always a good friend to others. Over the past several years, I've been on the receiving side the majority of the time... Health issues and legal issues weigh heavy on friendships! I still feel as if I'm not always pulling my weight in my relationships.

While I was incarcerated, mail was my favorite thing. However, about half way into my time, I stopped corresponding back much. I became much more dependent on this blog as my writings to the outside world. Honestly, I stopped writing when things got to be the worst in there, someone I cared about went to the SHU and I started receiving threats. Even my job became at risk. Also, I realized I was being kicked out of school. There was nothing good to write about and no one wants to write one depressing letter after another, nor lie and say they are great when they are not. I really owe an apology to all those that were so good to me while I was at FMC Carswell, and I wasn't a good friend back.

I wish I could say that I'm doing better now, but I'm actually not. I started sending thank you cards to folks when I got home, but I haven't finished them yet. I was trying to call and catch up with people, but I barely talk to anyone outside my closest circle. 

I'm finding myself needing a lot more quiet time now, than I did before I was at Carswell. I spend hours doing almost nothing, not even watching tv. I meditate, relax, work out, and play mindless games on my phone. Instead of waiting for the bus this afternoon, I randomly decided to walk a couple miles - something I never would have done in the past - especially with the heat. Even at my volunteer work, I spend less time chatting with coworkers and more time focused on what I'm doing in my office.

I should be calling my friends when I get home, but I don't. I sit on the couch and relax. I take in the quiet. I take Superdog on a walk. Maybe I'm too independent with my time now. I need to make a much better effort at being a friend, though. So many people have given me the incredible gift of friendship. I need to pay those gifts forward. I don't know exactly what the effect of incarceration is that has made me be more distant from those I care about, but I am going to make a conscious effort to be a better friend. I need to learn from the act of kindness from the friend I bumped into yesterday and apologize to all my friends out there. Know I care about and love you. I'm here and it's time I become the giver for a while!

Slab of Concrete

Sporty, T.S. and I live in a townhome that is very affordable and offers us ample room for all our things. It's fairly quiet and close enough to a couple shops and restaurants that we don't have to jump in a car when we need something small.

The drawback, though, is that it is a typical 1970's townhome with no upgrades. Imagine brown paneling  kitchen cabinets, incredibly squeaky floors, and very old appliances. We also often find that things are not holding up very well anymore. There's a portion of our floor that seems to be coming up, a large chunk of concrete missing from our stairs at the front stoop, and chips in both our bathroom sink counters. 

It is what it is, though. I don't mind the slight imperfections. I'm so grateful to have a home - with heat and air conditioning, my own room, my Superdog, and a washer, dryer, and dish washer. I don't need even all of this, I've heard of ex-offenders sleeping on the floor at someone's home, or even homeless, so you will never read a complaint from me.

I do worry about safety though. This morning, I opened the front door to let Superdog do her business, and the concrete slab that is part of our doorway literally fell right off.

It made a huge crashing sound as it fell. Superdog took little notice, but I was about to step there and I definitely took notice. The slab is too heavy for me to move, so it sits there on our front stoop, waiting to be tripped over, carried off, or just avoided. I wonder how long it will take this complex to fix it. 

I suppose these are the problems of the real world. They are so small compared to the realities of life in prison. There, a slab of concrete on the ground is a potential weapon. The doorway wouldn't be fixed for quite a while, but some make-shift thing would be set up for wheelchairs and walkers, or we would just have to avoid the door until it was fixed. Gossip about how the slab of concrete broke would find it's way around the entire compound until the most elaborate set of lies about someone doing something they shouldn't becomes the story everyone believes. Life is so simple on the outside - the slab of concrete fell off the doorway. Period.

The good news is that we will be moving into a rental home in about six months. A friend is moving and we will be renting her three bedroom home. It's not new construction, I'm sure we will do some fixing up at times, but it has the cutest porch and swing. It has a fenced in yard for Superdog. It has plenty of space to park my new scooter, when I choose it, and the storage in the basement is awesome. We plan to live there until I graduate... In other words, quite a few years! While I am in no position to purchase a home, this will be the best next thing.

Also, it doesn't have brown paneled cabinets, old appliances, or very squeaky floors - just a squeak now and then. It will be made into a real home. Even better, there's no cement slabs on the doorways to fall off. Something to look forward to.