And she passed...

I was the last one who spoke to her. I had called her and told her I loved her and to sleep peacefully. She didn't make it through her first night. I'm glad my grandma suffered little if any pain. I learned of her passing during my staff meeting this morning and I stepped out to call my parents and start to figure out arrangements.

I still could not reach my PO. At least this time, his voicemail was not full, so I was able to get his emergency cell number, but he didn't answer that. No one answered the general office line either. I was asked to pick up my aunt and uncle on the way home, so getting in touch with my PO became that much more urgent. Funeral will be Monday, but I need the weekend to put together a beautiful long montage (and find/scan the pictures), and my aunt/uncle need to be in town to be with family (as I do as well).

The montage will give me a nice purpose and gift to my mom, aunt, and uncle. I happen to have vhs tapes of my grandmas wedding (not sure what kind of camera my great grandpa used 68 years ago to film it), honeymoon, some of the childhoods of my mom, aunt, and uncle, old family picnics, and more. I'm currently digitizing them to my computer so I can take clips of my grandma from them to include with pictures in the montage. Some of the videos I don't think anyone even knows about and I don't even know how I got them! I'm going to separately surprise my mom, aunt, and uncle with a copy of the full videos of the childhood one because I know they don't know it exists!

Anyway, none of this matters if I couldn't get permission to go, so I got resourceful and called the regional office. I explained the situation and they gave me the office assistant's direct line here where I go. Voicemail. So, I tried my officer's office one more time. 

He answered!!! I apologized for stalking him and he said he was going to get back to me... About my vacation requests... He hadn't even listened to any of my messages yet!! I explained that I was calling because my grandmother passed away and I needed permission to pick up my aunt/uncle and leave the state for four nights... La la la...

He heard me out. He told me that I can let me mom know not to stress because he will grant me the trip but I needed to go into the office this afternoon. No problem. I went into the office at 2pm. I didn't leave til 3:15. We talked the entire time.

I had to do a vacation request for the trip and I will need to bring back a program from the funeral - I guess people lie about such things. He also granted me permission to attend my friends' wedding reception in November and when I explained the invite was done by evite, he logged into my evite to see it before he granted the permission. 

He was much more reluctant to grant permission for the trip to see my father in December due to the length of trip, modes of transportation, and short time I've been on supervision. I had to promise to stop at another parole office while there and attend at least one GA meeting at each city we vist (we would do that anyway!). Hoops, but that's okay! Permission granted.

She was not only a great grandma though - she was one heck of a great person!!!

When I Feel Limited

Tonight, I officially feel like I'm in custody again. I received one of those calls you never want to receive. My grandma is ill. She has Alzheimer's and we've slowly watched her deterioration over the last 6+ years. For some families, it can be 20+ years. I guess we can be seen as lucky in that regard, although we certainly do not feel lucky. The person my grandma once was is no longer there. She kinda looks like the same person, but she recognizes no one and remembers nothing. She doesn't even remember what foods she enjoys. When I saw her last week, she was still laughing and talking, but she was forgetting how to walk. I told her I love her and she told me she loved me, but I knew that she didn't know who I was. She was always a great actress. I do love her, though.

My grandma was officially put on hospice tonight. It won't be long. My mother told me to come in as soon as I can. I will. If I can. I've left two messages about unrelated things for my P.O. in the last week. I haven't heard back. I dropped off two documents for my P.O. yesterday, he wasn't in. I tried calling my P.O. tonight when I got the news, his voicemail is full and I couldn't leave a message. I couldn't even hear his message where he leaves the "emergency" number, because it is full. Tomorrow, I will have to search for another number to the local office somewhere on the web. I hope it's not too hidden. It seems my P.O. may be on vacation or something.

I can't go to my grandma if I don't get permission. Also, there's always the possibility that since she's likely to pass quickly, my P.O. may limit how long I can go and I will only be able to go in for the funeral. Since we are Jewish, there's the sitting shiva piece... our funerals don't last just one day... I wonder if my P.O. has ever had a Jew on his caseload... something tells me that given where we are located and the low percentage of Jewish people in federal custody, it's not very likely. We shall see what is and what is not permitted. I know my P.O. does not distrust me and I know he has a heart, but he follows protocol. I have no idea of the protocol if he's not in town or off.

I want to be there specifically to relieve some of the tension from my mom and step-dad. I don't want my grandma at the hospital alone and confused as she is going through this. My parents have a lot to do and they also have to work as they will only get some time off for the funeral. I have the weekend off, they do not. I can study there. This is what we do for family and it's one of the reasons I chose to go to school within a couple hours drive of where my family lives.

Wouldn't you know it, though, that this all happened on the day that Sporty and I started our elimination diet. All day we've been eating nothing but limited fruits, limited vegetables, some tuna for lunch, etc. No caffeine, no beef/no chicken/no pork, no beans, no gluten, no grains for me, no nightshade veggies, no to so many foods... and now, instead of completing my two weeks of this elimination diet and then slowly reintroducing foods, I'm going to be traveling and back with my family which means - we need to put this elimination diet on hold. Our headaches and other effects of getting through day 1 will have to happen all over again in a couple weeks when we start all over again. In honor of my grandma, though, I'll keep with her tradition. She always said to avoid "white foods." Those were her words on how she always stayed so thin. She said, "I never put anything white in my mouth." Ha, she cracks me up. I look forward to seeing her soon and telling her one more time, "I love you!"

My Secret Wish

I haven't mentioned this here before. The timing never seemed quite right. I mean, how does one admit that despite all their troubles in the world, they still hope to be called, "mommy," some day? Back on Mother's Day, I wrote about three amazing children I co-parented for a couple years prior to my gambling recovery and who were never mine legally. Walking away from them broke my heart into a million pieces. T.S. has been a wonderful light as a "step" daughter through the past six years. 

I've always wanted to adopt, though, especially out of foster care. I've always wanted to make a forever family with a child who never knew what a parent's love could really be like. Due to my need to have a hysterectomy at 35, I can't have my own, and honestly there are so many kids being raised in foster homes, so that's the direction I want to go.

The big question is, though, am I allowed to adopt? I don't mean just now, during supervision, but even after, as a felon? My crime had nothing to do with children, but an extensive background check is done. I've read the laws and I can only see that they do the background check, not the exact offenses that would disqualify me. In some states, it seems any felony would disqualify an offender. 

I think it's crazy, because if I happened to have a uterus, and I got pregnant, I'd be allowed to raise my child. However, since I can only adopt, I may not be allowed to.  Obviously, I agree that some crimes should keep people from adopting - as we need to protect the children. Any crimes against children or sex crimes of any type at the very least - perhaps also any domestic violence... 

I'm a firm believer in second chances, though. In this case, we aren't only talking about a second chance for me, but also for a child who may be able to have a forever family with me. I've been permitted to work at an organization that helps at risk youth, I have a history of working with youth, I pray that in the future I will also finally have a home full of my own youth!

Car Dealers

Yesterday, I had the privilege of taking a new friend who recently moved here from Africa, used car shopping. He's perfectly capable of buying a car on his own. He's well-spoken, intelligent, in his 40's, and certainly commands more initial don't screw with me power than I would in the situation. As we all know, women are not usually respected by most car salesmen... They talk directly to the males!

As my friend is new to the country, though, and really did not want to be taken advantage of, he was smart to ask someone to come along with him and I was better at negotiating on his behalf than I ever thought I would be. It actually can be fun helping someone else choose a car! Used car salesmen, on the other hand, are not all that much fun.

With Sporty along, who truly was the the expert among us, we looked at several lots and many, many vehicles. My friend was very quiet, asking questions where appropriate and really allowing me to take the lead on negotiations. We found some decent cars, even were given some decent offers within the price range, but it wasn't until we found a Honda van that my friend seemed close to ready to really want to talk numbers. Before we could, though, he needed to show the van to his wife.

Here's where this story gets interesting for me. Honda let us just take the van to where my friend lives to show it to his wife and kids. You know how the dealer usually joins you for a test drive? Not at this place. We did the test drive without the dealer too. At one point I said, "we're going to take the van to Disney World," and the dealer said, "see you in a couple months."

Okay, we didn't go to Disney. We took a test drive. Later, we brought it to where he lives so his wife could see it and get her own test drive. She liked it. Other than a copy of my friends I.D., Honda had no other information on us, not even our phone numbers. Never in all my life have I been given the keys to a car and just told to return it later.

I suppose we look innocent enough and the van isn't a new car. Here's the thing though, I'm a felon on supervision. I can't believe there's a Honda dealership that wouldn't even require someone to leave something behind if they are taking a car without a salesman with them. They were right that they could trust us, I may be a felon, but I have no intention of ever commuting another crime again in my life. I do not think like a criminal or want things the way a criminal does - I prefer to earn them.

We returned the van and my friend will work on his financing tomorrow. It's a good investment for him and his family. It felt good to spend the day helping him and, as Sporty put it to me, I'd hope someone would do something similar for me if I needed that kind of help in another country. 

One more positive came out of it, the guy at Honda offered me a job. Actually I'm sure he was joking, but he said it numerous times. He also said that I am a very talented negotiator. Yeah, I was pretty hardcore in negotiating - even if I am a female!!