Distraction Overload

I want to quickly update that someone must be mysteriously following this blog, because hours after posting my troubles, a phone call came and Enbrel found its way to my front door today in its cooler like packaging along with paperwork that shows a six month approval. No more month to month approval - it'll be automatically delivered through April. It's almost as if I still have those same miracle workers looking after me from the outside like they were when I was locked up and fought for my Enbrel approval in prison. It'll take a bit for my body to catch up, but I just hope for less days like Monday when I fell up the stairs...

Funny, I wanted to write tonight about distraction and as I was writing the paragraph above I received a text from T.S. simply with, "??" She'd asked me about thirty minutes earlier if I could help her find a source on a writing topic she has. I said, "yes," finished whatever I was doing, and then started writing this. I'd once again gotten distracted from what I intended to do. It's a miracle I remembered to come back to this blog...

In fact, I'd say that, lately, not more than ten minutes into any homework, assignment, project, work obligation, TV show, conversation, song, movie, anything,... My mind is somewhere else. It's horrible. It's rude. It's doing me a disservice. I'm in one class thinking about two others. I'm at work thinking about holiday gifts. I'm in my car putting seven different reminders in my phone. I'm paying bills and the next thing you know, I'm uploading pictures of my niece to my mom and sister.

I'm thinking that my head is especially like this right now because the semester end is near, I'm working on four different research projects, and so I'm juggling a lot of information in my head. I once compared my constant thoughts to someone flipping the channels on a remote control. Right now, I think my head is more like a broken search button on a radio that searches, stops, catches about ten seconds, just starts to like a song, then suddenly starts searching again...

I need to start setting mini goals, using pomodoro, and cutting myself off of the Internet when studying and in class except when necessary. I guess I just put all that out to the world, so I need to start trying. I'll start Monday. 😊

Mandatory Counseling

When the Judge sets your sentence, there are usually several additional provisions given that only pertain to your post prison sentence and are part of your supervision. For me, my Judge put mandatory counseling on my paperwork. This was put there because the Prosecutor requested it and the Judge pretty much went 100% with the Prosecutor's recommendations in my case.

My PO put me in for counseling at the one place they send all their supervisees --- the local catholic charities nonprofit organization --- perfect place to send a nice Jewish girl. That's okay - a good organization is a good organization. Anyway, it took until today for me to have my intake (four month wait), and I made my way there to fill out all the release papers and spend an hour with the assigned counselor, who was quite nice.

I opened up immediately. I have nothing to hide. I nicely shared my story and my recovery. I shared my experiences of prison, life in Carswell, continued support through GA, and life in school, etc. As we started to get toward the end of my session, the counselor said that she could not come up with any goals for my counseling. In the end, she said, "I really do not see a reason for you to be in counseling at this time." I had to agree, but I said I would continue if it is court ordered.

The counselor said she would call my PO and tell him that she did not see a reason for counseling. She said that she would also write something up for my PO about why she felt I did not need to continue counseling. So much of what I needed counseling for I did prior to my federal charges. The Prosecutor put in my paperwork that he thought I needed the counseling because back in 2008, when my life was in total chaos, I was suicidal and broken. Six years later, I am strong and aware of my addiction, and the "whys." I like myself today. I am as far from suicidal as I ever have been in my life. That doesn't even come close... I am just not suicidal at all. I am strong. I am okay with judgement. I am okay with the fact that I am far from perfect. I love many. I am loved. Life is good. Life is not perfect. I am okay no matter what. In the past, none of that was true.

I believe in counseling. Had I not had five years of regular, intensive counseling, in addition to my GA recovery, I would not be able to be the person I am today. I am SO grateful to the program that gave me nearly free counseling and the woman who was a superb counselor and who really, really got me and challenged me in just the right ways. I felt safe and there's no way I held back. I grew and I finally understood that I was not "broken." I forgave many. I forgave myself. I let go. I came to acceptance.

It's just that today I don't need that kind of counseling - not that I won't in the future. Everyone goes through ups and downs. I shared exactly where my life is today, and the counselor just saw a fairly well-balanced person. I certainly still have my good and bad days. I certainly still have anxieties. Overall, though, I am okay. She sensed that. I did not ask to be taken out of counseling. I'm okay having someone sit and listen to me. I love to talk... I was happy, though, to hear her say that there was not a necessity that she could see for me to keep coming. It means that I must be continuing to do something right on my journey of recovery and hope. It's always good to have these check-ins.

Ultimately, my PO and the new local Judge will decide if I have to go to counseling or if I can stop. If they want me to keep going, I will set aside an hour every other Wednesday and be there for the exchange of ideas. I can always learn something and, if anything, I can tell that the counselor was willing to learn more about gambling addiction from me. That happens a lot - we end up teaching about our addiction when we are the successful people to actually be in recovery from it. Whatever happens is fine. Once again, we never know why we are where we are - maybe someone will see this counselor that needs GA and she will remember me and the meeting we started and she will send them our way... maybe that is why I needed to be there today or two weeks from today, or even longer. Maybe, I will learn something I need in my life. Whatever happens is fine. All I have is time to find out.

The Enbrel Crisis

Call your congressmen and women, the President, the local media, anyone who will listen... We are in a crisis... There must be a shortage of Enbrel in the world! No, I'm just joking... There's no shortage that I know of, just incompetence- I think.

Enbrel is an essential part of my medication regiment. How it works and why, I couldn't tell you, just that it helps me have far less pain, stiffness, and fatigue. I inject myself twice per week with the medication that includes some DNA from mice (I believe) and it makes all the difference in the world. 

We already know that Autumn isn't the best time of the year for me, too, so when it was time for my delivery this month (delivered each month on ice from a specialty pharmacy after an approved renewal through my insurance), I never received the phone call to schedule delivery. I called the pharmacy several times, and they said my doctors office never completed the authorization. I'd call my doctor's office and they'd listen to me, call me back later that day and tell me everything is approved and delivery will be scheduled later that day. Then the same cycle starts all over again. It's been 2 1/2 weeks of the same story. Since I receive my medication 2x/week, and this cycle started before my final treatment I still had, I'm now 1 1/2 weeks or 3 treatments off now. 

I'm a mess. I hate to admit that. My stiffness is 3x worse than before throughout my body. I can't reach down and touch my toes, which I proudly could do before. I get winded walking up stairs. I have pain in places I'd forgotten could be painful. I'm sure my inflammatory markers have skyrocketed.

I'll call everyone again tomorrow. I'll explain once again that I still do not have my medication. At $3,000 or so per month, and the need to come from a specialty pharmacy there's no way to just get some... I happen to have an appointment with my doc this week and I know that it will all be sorted out perfectly by then. At most, I'll go without four treatments and then I'll be back on track. 

At Carswell, it took a month to get approved for my Enbrel and that's because I had outsiders advocating with the right people. I went without Enbrel for 9 treatments. At that point, I was barely walking, breathing was heavy, and I slept all day. I hate that I have a chronic health issue that is so controlled by medication, but at least it is controlled to the point that I can control it and my health doesn't control me. I will be back on Enbrel soon. It's a first world problem that I'm having to wait as long as I'm having to, but I can wait. So, call off the emergency search party for Enbrel, I'm sure there will be some on its way to me soon.