Maybe this is Harder than I Thought it Would Be

I'm one week from the end of my first semester and I have to admit that it's been a struggle lately. I've pulled two late nights in a row to ensure projects/papers are complete on time and I will barely get a chance to breath before I have to cram two more papers and preparation for a huge final exam over the next several days. I don't remember it being this physically demanding and stressful before I went to Carswell. It got me to thinking, maybe there really is something to the need to take things slowly once out of prison.

I came out and jumped right in, didn't I? I worked so hard to get myself back in school and put myself on the fast lane so that I can get officially into the doctoral program within a year. I'm tired though. I didn't think about my need for more balance. I hate that I don't feel as if I am communicating with my friends and family as much as I wish I were. All these incredible people did so much for me which I was away and I barely have the energy available to send a note or even a text sometimes. If I had this last five or so months to do over again, I would have chosen to take only the required 6 credits and eased myself in a little bit. That would be my recommendation to others who are just looking to get their lives back to ordinary as fast as possible.

I also notice that I think about everyone I met back at Carswell a lot, especially now during the holidays. They were certainly unique relationships, but so important to my sanity as I did my best to get through the realities of day after day there. As I've been reading, learning, and hearing more first hand accounts of life at prison camps, where most people with crimes such as mine are imprisoned, there is no real comparison to the world in which I and my fellow inmates had to endure. It was a short part of my life, but the affect may take a long time to wear off.

In just a week, this semester will be behind me and I will have a month to be working, starting the analysis for my thesis, and preparing my application for the doctoral program. I will also have opportunity to really catch up on the news - just watching for a moment about the most recent death in NYC of another black man caused by police use of force makes me glad I am entering a field where I may be able to be part of the solution of a major criminal justice issue. In fact, one of my own professors is on tonight as an expert on many news stations. One day I will be a professor and perhaps I will have something to say one day that will not be about my own experiences, but rather about helping and changing the lives and experiences of others.

In the meantime, I need to just take it all a day at a time, accept that this won't be the best semester of work I've done, but I will have successfully completed another semester of school and be closer to my goals. Sometimes it is hard to remember that we need to be kind to ourselves and not expect too much from ourselves, especially when we are already at a stressful state of being. Truth is, I am still happy, I am still so very grateful, and life is a journey and I'm enjoying the ride.

An interesting study from Australia

One thing I love about what I'm studying is that I am constantly coming across interesting things that I can share here... Recently there was a study in Australia about the prevalence of fraud cases connected to compulsive gambling. I found it interesting and so I am sharing it here...
http://www.warfield.com.au/Warfield_Gambling_Fraud_08_10.pdf

Holiday Gifting

It's the time of year where people want to know what I want for the holidays. I've had an Amazon list for years and I've done my darnedest to update it. Truth is, I don't need that much. I'd also rather people think about me and find gifts they think I'd like than me have to guide them toward the right gift. It's selfish, maybe, but I don't need any gifts, really, but if someone wants to buy me something, I would prefer them put some thought behind the gesture.

I do my best to do that for each person I purchase gifts for. I may look at their "wish lists," but ultimately, it's about things that remind me of them or things I think they could use, or funny things, or fun things they'd never buy themselves, that catch my eye and I want to give them. I also don't need the holidays to buy someone their gift. I bought a gift for Cashe like four months prior to her birthday because I saw it and had to get it. People put too much pressure on themselves to find all their gifts in November/December for loved ones. There aren't just sales now and gift giving is not just about "things," it's about memories and the people we are giving the gifts to. I always try to give gifts that result in memories if I can.

I'm not going to say that I do not enjoy receiving gifts. I do. I enjoy giving gifts just as much. On my birthday, I give gifts to everyone I celebrate with - not just receive gifts. I mean, they chose to celebrate with me - just like the goody bags we gave our guests when we were young. There were many, many years that my holiday gift consisted of a check, usually arriving late, from my mom and step-dad. I would tell them every year that I would rather they took the time to find a gift that had thought behind it, but the check showed up each year. I would thank them, and then I would lose every penny of it at a casino. Their gifts gave me a couple hours of addictive action. Crazy that I actually verbally asked for something different. Something with meaning.

Now, when the check shows up each holiday season, it is deposited into my bank account. It is used for my winter trip or something else needed. I don't pay bills with it, I know that was not it's purpose and I budget my general income for that purpose. It's not a ton of money, but a meal or two can be paid by my folks' holiday gift and we can toast them at the time for thinking of me at the holidays. I appreciate that. I know that they do not send me a general gift because they simply do not know what to send - no matter how many things I add to my Amazon wish list - I will still receive an annual check. At least I am not gambling it away. One year my step-dad was pissed at me for being unemployed and he sent me black licorice in a package that said "coal" as a joke and I received no check that year. Every year I hear the story, "as least I'm not sending you black coal this year..." The one year I really needed those extra funds, I didn't receive them - I was young then, mid-20's, and very, very broke and broken.

Anyway, I am nearly done shopping for the gifts I plan to give out. I cannot afford to give gifts to everyone I want to or as big of gifts as I wish I could. I'm still on a tight budget and still just a grad student and newly out of prison. I'm okay with that, though. It's the holidays and I will participate in the way I can and will show those I love that I am thinking of each of them with the gifts I am able to give them. Unless begged to do so, I will never give someone just money or a simple gift card, I fear it lacks imagination and thought to do so. Some people really want those things and I will provide what they want. When people receive a gift from me, though, I give it a lot of thought an energy - and then seek out the best deal for what I want. The best part is giving the gift away. I love seeing everyone's reactions - and pray they love the presents. If not, I can always give them cash or a gift card next year, I suppose.