A Day with Dad

My dad is not the person he once was, then again, neither am I. The person he is today is relaxed, confused, simple, exhausted, frustrated, passive, kind, and quiet. I can't begin to tell you how many of those words would not be on this list ever in the past.

Health-wise, it's truly impossible for me to know what's going on. The cancer is still there - in his brain and in his bones, and he just finished another round of chemo and radiation. We will know in a couple weeks if it has spread more. When I try to bring up anything health related with him or my step-mother, I just don't get any straight answers.

The biggest effects on my dad has been from the stroke he suffered the same week as my sentencing. I wasn't told about it until the day before my sentencing. My dad was not lucky, he never regained his full communication functions and from what I can tell, his memory is also affected.

Where does this leave things? My step-monster pretty much talks and talks and complains and talks and whines and bosses my dad around and talks for him and talks some more... It's so hard to watch. I'm grateful she's taking care of him, very grateful, but I am upset by how she talks to him, at him, about him, etc. He is sick and desperately trying to do things right, and she screams that he didn't start the dish washer, pulled the hood rather than the gas cover, or can't remember going somewhere.

I can only imagine what it must be like for one's spouse to suddenly be ill and need you in unexpected ways. That's what you sign up for in marriage. Growing older means that we all change and sometimes we face very scary struggles. No one should be made to feel worse about the struggles they are facing.

I have one more full day with my dad. I'll enjoy every minute of it and lean on my program of recovery to deal with the stresses of the unknowns of his health and the behaviors of my step monster. She tries hard, perhaps she tries too hard. She's just very judgmental. My dad used to be that way. He's not anymore. Now, he's just my quiet, simple, loving dad. I'll take him this way and hope he can still live a while yet!

I am Really Me!

It was a good Christmas Day. Not that I have that many to compare from. Most were full of Chinese food and movies. Spending time with Sporty's family is always full of energy, imagination, and food! She has a large family and there are a lot of cousins, kids, and drama. There's always a ton of laughter. Last time there was a small food fight. Today, three separate adults got scared as they opened the food pantry and a person jumped out at them. This is family. 

I had one responsibility upon leaving the house - grab the two tins of Christmas cookies to take with us to my dads and to Sporty's cousin in New Mexico. About halfway to the airport, we realized I failed in that one task. I got distracted by Super Dog and looking for T.S. who had my phone. So, no cookies for the relatives.

Once at the airport, Sporty and I approach the counter for baggage check. We only brought small carry on suitcases, but this is one of those airlines that allows no carry-ons. They charge for everything!

Pull out my wallet and everything is there... Except my driver's license. The start of a 8 day trip and no license?!? Really?!? I pulled everything out of my wallet and my backpack. No license. T.S. pulled off the highway and searched my car, nope. I have all my other pieces of id and cards in my wallet, just missed that one critical document.

I nervously stood in the TSA security line. Would my university ID get my through airport security? Not a good line to be nervous in!! I smiled as "next," was called and I walked up to the next agent. I showed my ID as if it was normal. It was not. She took one look at me, and asked me for a state issued ID. I explained the situation and was asked to show several other cards in my wallet. This got me through to the next level of security where I once again explained my situation and had to prove my address. My many medication bottles came in handy for that purpose!!

Finally, I was passed on to the next level - the hand security check. Another frisk. Oh, I'm used to this. Stand up spread legs, hands out to sides, glove covered hands patting through every crevice of my clothed body. Doesn't seem to matter the situation, I'm always selected for hand screening. It's been nearly six months without a pat-down, guess it was time!!!

Then they emptied everything from my backpack again! They had to make sure there were no bad chemicals or anything. Once I re packed it, I have no idea where anything is anymore in that bag! Can't say it was an especially special beginning to our trip.

I'm now stuck trying to problem solve. I'm supposed to rent a car Monday to drive between two states - impossible without my license. I need to figure out how to get something temporarily. I have NO idea where my license could be. I had no reason to doubt it would be where it always was in its place in my wallet. Did I really just take off for another state without a license??

Merry Christmas

I imagine that the vast majority of the people that read this blog celebrate Christmas and I want to wish each and every one of you a great holiday. After a very long drive to my moms home today, I enjoyed a nice dinner with my folks. It was nice to be back home with my parents as the last time I was with them was for my grandma's funeral. Tonight was much more positive!

For me, my holiday is over so I think it would be a good time to write a gratitude list. Since it's now the wee hours of the morning, I'll write 5 things I'm grateful for - although there are so many more!!!

1. I love my family and that includes my chosen family. 

2. G.A. and my special friends in the program fill my life with recovery, a connection to a higher power, and a constant reminder of the progress I've made in my life.

3. The open mindedness and acceptance of so many people I've met in the past six months. They make it easier for me to face telling my truth the next time.

4. Life has so many possibilities. Instead of making my life having limits, my experiences have only broadened what opportunities are available to me.

5. I am finally being given the opportunity to see my father tomorrow. It will be the first time since 2010 and since he's been ill.

Holidays are always a time to remember what we are grateful for and trying to keep everything else in perspective!

Officially on Vacation Supported by my PO

Vacation? Yes. Vacation! With my PO's permission!! Today was my last day of work for 1 1/2 weeks. I thought I'd have to work tomorrow, but at 5:50pm tonight, my boss and I uploaded our cover sheet to the federal government and officially filed our annual performance review a week early and we high fived one another. There's no reason to come in tomorrow, she informed me. I'm off til the 5th.

I have plenty to be doing, but it's all on my time now for a bit. I like that flexibility. Right now I'm focusing on finishing wrapping gifts and packing for our trip. We leave tomorrow late afternoon and spend tomorrow night with my mom. My mom, being the good Jew she is, is making a ham, green bean casserole, jello mold and more for dinner. We usually do Chinese food and a movie, but I guess she wanted to do something a little different this year.

Christmas Day will be with Sporty's family with likely more ham, more green bean casserole, and a lot of Christmas cookies! We fly out that night to Arizona to see my father.

My dad's brain tumor is still there, but has not grown. I guess that's good news?!? His cancer is also in his hip bone now. That puts his cancer starting in his bladder to his brain and then his hip. They will do another PET scan next week and I'm a bit scared for where they'll find the next location. It was a miracle he made it to now and I fear if these three days with him may ... Well, I shouldn't go there, should I?

Anyway, I'm not expecting much from the trip. My dad's stroke in 2013 left him unable to fully communicate his thoughts. 

In other news, I stopped in on my PO today. Took an hour to get through talking to him. Nothing is quick. He approved me to go to a GA conference out of state at the end of January and to a couple meetings I have out of state as well. So far so good with him. As I was finishing up, he realized it has been nearly six months of my supervision and he hasn't done a urine analysis since the beginning... So even though I just happened to stop in, suddenly I was told to pee in a cup with a female PO watching. No problem... Except, I always have the worst aim!!! I made a total mess! Their cups are like really narrow and especially splashy and ... Well... Let's just say nothing was dry by the time I finished my sample - eeewwww. Glad I don't have to do that often. I have nothing to worry about in terms of results!

I think I should start bringing a funnel with me just in case...

Anyway, right now, I have no worries. I'm on vacation. It's a vacation I can afford because I'm staying with family and I no longer gamble. It's a vacation where I can spend time with people I care about. I love vacations!!!

A Happy Holiday

It's been a very good holiday. Sporty, T.S., and TS' little sister (share a dad) are all celebrating with me, even though they are not Jewish. We are doing Chanukamas or Christmakah in our home I guess you could say. We have my menorah up and their tree up. There are stockings for us all, but while theirs are red and white, mine is blue and white. If we weren't a family, I would not celebrate Christmas, I certainly do not celebrate any religious connotations of it, but we are family and it's nice sharing my traditions with them and theirs with me.

Tonight was even more special, Joy and Traveler came over for matzo ball soup and latkes (potato pancakes). We all lit the menorah together. My gift tonight was a small autoethnography book and immediately Joy said, "nerd," with perfect timing. It could have been a set of Big Bang Theory. It was a very enjoyable evening and such a difference from how the holidays were inside Carswell last year.

I'm trying to send out cards to everyone who helped support me emotionally over the past several years. I made some simple cards. I've been much busier at work than I thought I'd be, so I may need to travel with it as a project. I'm okay with that. I actually have many goals for while I'm on my trip. I am going to read, work on my application, work on my thesis proposal, and write these cards. 

I'm even sending cards to people that I'm not sure want to hear from me. I guess it doesn't matter, though. I just have to try to do the right thing on my side. One person I wrote was someone who is also home but things did not end great when she left Fort Worth a few months prior to me because of this blog. People had learned about the blog and rumors spread that I was gossiping about people, using their real names, and doing really awful stuff on here. 

I have no idea if she ever looked at this blog to see what it's really about and she was certainly not the only one who turned their back on me after learning about this blog. However, I liked this woman, so I wrote her. Clean up my side of the street. Wish her well. All I can do. 

Tomorrow night will start the last day of Chanukah (Jewish holidays start the night prior). I think I'll remember this years as one of my favorites. It's not about the gifts. It's not about the food. It's that every night we are home. We light the menorah. I sing the prayer and we sing the Oh Chanukah song together and it really feels like we are together. It feels special, important, and fun. I already know that Christmas is going to be special as well. I'm so grateful to be home and relatively free for the holidays!!!