The Real Rock Bottom

In Alcoholics Anonymous they call it the Big Book or sometimes the Blue Book. I think NA has a similar book. Most 12 step programs have some book of readings that are used at most of their meetings. At gambler's anonymous meetings we have a much thinner yellow book that we call a combo book. We also have several more books and pamphlets available just like other groups have. Almost all our meetings include readings from our combo book. Page 2 of that book talks about compulsive gambling and is read at nearly every meeting I've ever been to. The last line talks about how the "depths of our misery are fathomless and many pursue it into the gates of prison, insanity, or death..."

I always think about my gambling and how I was right at those depths with my own actions. My thoughts were no longer sane. I went to prison. I was nearly dead... Just four days from my planned suicide when I was caught (my Devine intervention).

Tonight I learned of yet another suicide by a GA member. I believe it is the third I've learned about since my release from prison. There is no real rock bottom from any addiction - except for death. That is the ultimate price of addiction. At that point, there is no further damage possible. I'm so saddened and affected by each person that I hear about that takes their life from this devastating addiction. Most I hear about have families. Young children that grow up not knowing why suddenly their parent is gone. Spouses in disbelief and with the heartbreak and the financial issues caused by the gambling. People have so little understanding of this addiction, how can we help those left behind?

When in the grips of this illness we can only imagine that gambling will be our solution to our problems. A big win will get us out. That is our sickness. Gambling is both the cause and our irrational solution. When it cannot and does not work, we dig deeper and deeper into trouble and find ourselves so lost and cannot imagine a way out. Our irrationality and inability to solve our problems lead to even bigger and riskier problems. It's a spiral effect that none of us ever imagined we could or would ever find ourselves in. 

Yet, in recovery, we find that there's practically nothing any of us did that someone else in the rooms didn't do. It's the addiction. Once in recovery, we are really different people. We are able to think and act rationally. As long as we can and do stay away from all kinds of gambling one day at a time and work our programs of recovery, we are able to live healthy, happy lives. 

Unfortunately, some people are not ready for the program. I always say that you have to be ready to surrender and be willing to truly give everything to recovery. My way got me in trouble, so I was a sponge to recovery. When we lose someone who takes their life, it just takes me back to how close to me that was. Just four days. It would have been May 15, 2008 if I had done it. It wasn't a particularly special day, it was just the day I chose. I wouldn't have been known by the GA community because I would never have been to a meeting. I would just be another statistic of a compulsive gambler who took her life. However, they probably wouldn't have even have known me as that. They would have just highlighted my crime and said it was due to that. Everything else about me would have been erased.

Tonight, I mourn for the brother who took his life and the others who we may or may not know about. If you are in trouble or even if you are not but ever consider suicide, please know that it is not the answer. I'm proof, as well as so many others I know, that life does go on. There are low days but they get better!!! Reach out to someone if you need to. We are always here for you!

If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, there is help - 1-800-GAMBLER

Suicide Talk Line: 1-800-273-TALK