Two Years

Two years ago today I self-surrendered to FMC Carswell. It feels like a lifetime ago and it still feels like yesterday. I have the two boxes I shipped home from Carswell still with me. The blanket I promised to finish had not had a single stitch added. The books that I had to bring home with me have not been touched. I shared photos with some people and I actually carry most of them around in my school backpack. I pull one out from time to time. I look at Lola, South, Freckles, Appeal, Mama, others... Some are out, some still in, some I don't know about. But it makes me think of them. They are all in my heart. I want to think of them, pray for them. They were/are still important to me even if I am unable to keep in touch.

I recently took the most amazing road trip with Sporty, TS, TS' little sister, and TS' girlfriend. It started with visiting my father who is on hospice. It's just a matter of time, but he certainly has help on a long time. The cancer is now everywhere. I was glad to spend the time with him.

The road trip took me through 12 states. I spent two nights in the state where I had lived and worked for 10 years and where my addiction had reached its peak. It is where my crime occurred and where my sentencing was given. My last three times there were always emotional and I left in tears. This time, surrounded by family, it was a real vacation. I was able to show the highlights of the state and city I called home. I visited with some of the people I still call friends and who stood by me all these years (even in the courtroom when our other friends sat on the other side) and my tears were of happiness.

I also learned something - some people who sat on the other side of the courtroom (not all, but some) have started to understand that I do have an addiction and that my behavior was not to harm them or the community. Learning this was huge to me as while I know that other people's opinions don't matter, I never had intentions to hurt others or especially my community or the organizations that I was working with!! I was sooo irrational and lost in my addiction at the time. I thank god every day that I have not placed a bet since May 5, 2008. I hope to make a difference for others to help them stop earlier than I did so they do not go down the kind of path I did!!!

I also received a message recently from someone associated slightly with my old school program. They apologized for a message they sent me prior to prison saying that they never wanted to interact with me again. They had heard the gossip and at the time made a judgement based on it. They asked me for forgiveness. I did not hesitate. I hope you will do the same if people who may not have understood your actions and may have hurt you ask for forgiveness. Remember, we hurt people and we want to be forgiven, we need to do the same back. Also, no one knows anyone's full truth. No one knows yours and you don't know theirs. Peace comes when you allow forgiveness in your heart!!!!

Two years and I’m still in school, but still have three or more years to go, a lot more calm, and close to being off supervision I hope. I still believe in paying it forward. I have not been able to hold up to everything I wanted - like keeping in touch with folks - but since I'm studying criminal justice, I know I'm going to help make a difference! 

I'll never forget that day. Survivor dropping me off. The hugs. Releasing everything to her. Knowing she would sit in that parking lot. Trying not to cry. The drive to the prison in the van. Going through processing. Meeting South. My first meal. Fear. Unmatched shoes. A bra too big. Tight undies. A view of the whole housing unit from my bed. Standing count. Sleeping "on" my made bed instead of in it. Fights. Noise. Light. Stairs. Appointments. Boredom. Confusion. No pillow. No change of clothing. And that was just the first day...