My LGBTQ Rights

This blog post is not going to be anything I've written before. I usually write here about my life inside and outside of prison, being a felon, or something like that. However, an incident from yesterday has been bothering me and I want to get it out of my head, so best place to do so for me is in writing and best place for me to write is on my blog. Forgive me the liberties I take in writing about a totally different subject in this post.

As you all know, I love my job. I love who I work with and what I do. I feel respected and needed. My boss knows my history and held my job for me. It's incredible. She is incredible. I am so very grateful.

There is one area though that I've always felt a little awkward, and that is around the fact that I am out and proud around my identity within the LGBTQ community. I came out at 18 years of age and we can just say I flew out of the closet. I immediately was named a leader on my college campus at the time. I also became political in the community. It was 1991 and we needed role models, equal rights, positive media, changes in policies and laws, etc. It is one of the reasons I went to law school.

Since 18 years of age, I have never hidden who I am. There is a saying, "silence equals death." I have a great uncle who was gay or bisexual and hid his identity from our family. His silence resulted in his hiding who he was with and when and he died from AIDS in the 80's. I take that saying literally. Had he not felt like he had to hide who he was, maybe he would have found a long-term relationship and lived a happy healthy life. One never knows.

Anyway, my work within the LGBTQ community is all over my resume and CV, I never hide it. I do a lot of volunteering and other work within the community. I was hired with the knowledge of that background.

So, yesterday, I was made a bit uncomfortable when asked about how I handle situations around my "personal life" with the youth of my organization. I was told that the staff don't talk about their "husbands" so there would be no reason for me to bring up my "wife." I was told that our youth may have conservative parents who may misconstrue something I would say to the youth and it would be interpreted as if I were saying that "homosexuality" was okay when it is not according to their parents.... Things like that.

So, I informed the person talking to me that I felt perfectly comfortable in my rights with how I would talk with any youth around the subject. First, one youth who is out approached me about how to figure out what colleges had safe spaces and which did not. I was glad that the student knew there was someone on staff that they could approach to talk about that! 

My role is to listen to the youth. Not guide them. I have worked with youth practically my entire adult life. I am a safe person to come to and to help guide them to further resources. I am not concerned about how parents would interpret my words because I never meet 1on1 with a student in total privacy and my job is to listen and help, not tell a young person how to think or feel.

Students do know that I got married this summer to my wife, however, and so far they have only said "that's cool." I may be the first out adult they know or maybe not. These kids respect me in my role and maybe it helps them break down some stereotypes. 

I'm not going to change being who I am or worry three years into my job. I said that I am no different on staff than the other diversity we offer among our staff members. They didn't see it that way. Homophobia even in the best of places. Trying to see past it.

Glad I was able to write all of this. Thanks for reading!

Supervision Status

I met with my P.O. again this week. I had to meet with him because I needed to fill out the paperwork again for travel approval. I am leaving town later this month to help spread my fathers ashes along Route 66 with my step-mother. It will be a way to officially say, "goodbye." I have no idea if/when I will have any communication with her again after that weekend. I know it will be up to me. She is already making plans on the rest of her life with her family. My father would have no expectations on me to keep in touch with her - I know that. It just seems odd to spend a weekend at "their" home and then leave it on a Monday knowing that she and her family will now have everything and I will never see or know anything of that part of my family again. She has "chosen" to not probate a will and I am still deciding on whether I want to make any trouble about that decision. As his daughter I believe my father would want me to have something and that he likely left me something. As a recovering gambler, I do not want to make his death about my trying to get something of "financial gain." I do not know what his will said and the only way to find out is if I hire an attorney and force probate. Things then become ugly. I may not even be listed in his will - he could have left everything to his wife and just had me as a contingency. If so, she will change the will to leave everything to her daughter and grandson long before anything happens to her. I earn my financial well-being in recovery. I do not expect anything from my father's death. People tell me that I should at least find out. It is so confusing because of my recovery. If money was left to me, perhaps it could help with my restitution payments, schooling, etc. There is no right answer, I just want to keep serenity in my life - yet not be passive to what is lawfully my right.

As for my other trip, I am going to a national conference to make two criminal justice presentations. One I am not concerned about - it is based on the research I did this summer through my independent study. The other presentation is based on my thesis and is all about this blog!! I'm focusing my actual presentation more on the methodology of autoethnography in a woman's prison than on findings, since I have not reached my findings stage in my research yet. This will be when I am at a conference of amazing criminal justice researchers, however, and I tell them all that I am Dragonfly Hazel, I am a graduate student at my university, and I may be seeking employment at their universities in the future. My story will become much more public this November in the Criminal Justice community.

My P.O. approved both trips. He does not know the emotions behind both trips, just the purpose of the trips. He has approved every trip I have requested since my supervision began in July, 2014. I have taken many trips outside of the state. I do not have to ask for permission for trips outside of my district, as long as I stay within my state.

While with my P.O., I once again asked, "is my name going to the Judge for consideration for early release from supervision?" I know that many people are being released from the federal prisons very soon due to the change in mandatory drug sentences and they need to get people like me off the higher level supervision rolls. My P.O. looked at a bunch of stuff on his computer screen and asked me to provide him with updated bank statements this week. He will go to his supervisor. Three possibilities will follow.

1) His supervisor could agree with him that my file is ready to go to the Judge for consideration for removal from supervision. The judge will consider everything to date and I may be released. I have been on supervision 15 months of my 3 year sentence.
2) His supervisor could decide to put me on a lower level of supervision in which case I will be assigned to a different P.O., but remain on supervision for a period of time with some level of contact and some responsibilities.
3) His supervisor could disagree and have me remain on the same level of supervision and I stay with my same P.O. for some period of time until we do another review.

My P.O. asked me "why do I want my supervision to end? what would change?" A very smart question by him... but I already knew my answer. I have no idea what others say to it. I said, "the only thing that would change for me, is my ability to travel without having to ask permission, especially with notice." My mom and stepdad moved down South. My dad passed away. My step-grandfather now lives with my parents down south and is 97 years old. Sporty’s family still lives back in the state I grew up in. T.S. decided last minute to have a pumpkin carving party just last weekend back there and I could not go because I need at least 2 week notice to travel. I want to be able to travel for family things and not have to worry. If something is going on with my aging parents or my step-grandfather, I want to be able to just go. The only thing that changes for me is that.

I will keep going to G.A. - I was going before and I never plan to stop. It's a part of my life. I need it. It is my medicine to stay in recovery!

I will keep paying my restitution. Perhaps some people don't pay it if they don't have to, but I will. In G.A. we believe that repayment of our debts is essential in our recovery. It may take me years and years to pay on my restitution amount that was set by the court, but as long as I continue to pay I am doing my duty and it will be a forever reminder of how far my illness took me. I know I will never forget, but a monthly payment is a good reminder nevertheless. I have no idea where that money goes and I just pray that it is going to a good cause and into the community that felt the most hurt by my actions! When enough money is there, I hope they are able to build a fund that really helps individuals within the community.

I do not know if I will be off supervision in a month, three months, or a year. It could be that I am on it for the full 3 years. I do know that my only way off supervision is to continue to do the right next thing every single day. I am honest with my P.O. every time I am asked a question. I submit my monthly reports on time. I pay my restitution every month. I do my best to be the client/supervisee that he does not have to worry about. I have enough personal worries of my own.